Mandatory Year Ender Post

As I write this, I have neighbors going wild with the fireworks, firecrackers, horns, and all the other loud things commonly found during New Year's Eve. Disclaimer! I won't write about New Year's Eve or how much I dislike the noise it comes along with it. Mostly, this post is about how colorful this year was.

I think, my posts from early this year up until a couple of months back showcase this emotional roller coaster I was on. Was. I thank God because He has delivered me from this. This year has been full of so many challenges, heartbreaks, and tears. I probably cried more this year than I have in my whole existence. I have experienced tremendous pain, but I've also experienced so much blessings and happiness. It was difficult, no doubt about it, but pushing through the pain, learning to depend on my God more, believing that He's got my back 100%.. It's all worth it. 

This year has been such a great test of faith for me. I didn't even think at first that I was going to make it. But God has a funny way of reassuring us that whatever it is, He'll pull us through. I thank God because He is a great, sovereign, and wise God. He knows what He's doing. He had put me through a tough refining, and it's proven me that I am certainly made of tougher things. I didn't realize that I was drifting away from Him until this year happened and He pulled me closer to Him. And if that entailed being a little worse for wear, then it's fine. Because in the end, it's not about us, it's about God.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future -- Jeremiah 29:11

As for 2012, God has placed in my heart the desire to disciple, and a heart for missions - not to be a missionary, but as a support. I don't know what God wants to do with these desires - but I hope He flourishes them into something meaningful. Ever since I started with the discipleship program, I knew for certain that I wanted to be a discipler myself. I pray that God will equip me as I start to disciple. Here I am Lord, send me! As for having a heart for missions, I think that instead of sending me out on the field and being a full time missionary, God has instead, placed a desire in me to play a supporting role. To be more specific, to help the missionaries who have their children with them, and can't really pay much attention to them because of being out in the field all the time. (Well, I don't really know how it works, but I'm all for it as long as I get to work with children.)

It's exciting, I suppose, 2012. I say, bring it on. Whatever 2012 has in store for me, I'm sure that there's something to be learned every single day. Here's to another year everyone. Cheers!

Making Prayer Intentional

Dear Lord, 

I know that they told us that when praying to You, there's this guide or format that we're encouraged to follow: ACTS. I mean, that's how Jesus prayed to You right? But, I wonder. Would it be bad if it were less formal than that? Is there a wrong way or praying to You? Because I kind of feel more comfortable with talking to You as a friend. I know of course that You're God and You require the utmost respect and reverence, but I just think that sometimes, I'm not myself when I follow ACTS.

Do I maybe, have a wrong concept of how my relationship with You should be? If I do, then I'm scared. Dear God, I know that You understand me better than everybody else in the world. So I'm hoping that You aren't taking this the wrong way and that You know exactly where I'm coming from. But as for now, I think I'll just go follow the guide that Jesus said is the way that we should pray.

Heavenly Father, most gracious, loving, and holy - You are a God that is too good: for sending Your one and only Son for us, for loving us, for being the most faithful person that I have ever met. You are a merciful God, but also a Holy God, so dear Lord, forgive me for my shortcomings. I humble myself before You, O God, because I know I have this pride in my heart, and an impatience for all sorts of things. Lord, I know that this does not please You in anyway. So chip these imperfections away dear God. Help me to walk in the way of Your Son, to be more like Christ in all aspects of my life. Father, I actually don't know why I'm irritable towards a person. Maybe I'm envious or maybe I think it's getting to be a bit annoying, so Lord I ask for forgiveness from this. Also, I don't like this other person for reasons that You already know, for reasons that I've already divulged with You, a few others, and most especially with that person. Lord, it's difficult, and frankly, I'm not very successful in it. But I think that the best thing to do for me is to steer clear away from that person and to just remind myself that You also died for them. It's so difficult, Lord, and I know that this is my pride talking now. Break me Lord, if needed be. Take this pride away from me.

Yet despite all of these, I thank You because even as the sinner that I am, You've stuck by me through whenever. And this year, Lord, You have blessed me with quite a year. I am truly grateful for all the things that You've taught me all year round, of the way that You've transformed me - both emotionally and mentally. Lord, I thank You because You made yourself truly known to me this year. I thank You because though You've broken me, You've also made me stronger. And I know with a certainty, dear God, that You can make seemingly impossible things happen. Truly, I am in awe of You.

Right now Lord, I won't ask for any supplication. I just wish and hope to honor and praise You each day.

You are awesome God. In Your name I pray, Amen.

Day 74: Revelation Song; Thankful for Christmas

"Holy, Holy, Holy, 

is the Lord God Almighty

who was, and is, and is to come." 

We've been singing this song for a long time now (or, well... I can't really remember when we started to sing and use this song during services), but I didn't really pay much attention to the title until now. Following Bible 365, although I am a couple of days late, today's devos was on Revelations 1-5 for me. So it just occurred to me now that the reason why they call it the Revelation Song was because they got it from Revelations 4:8 (give me a moment to absorb this. Haha). I always assumed that the reason behind the title was that something was revealed to the songwriters during the process of recording and writing this song. 

Yes, sometimes I amuse myself with my own thoughts and ideas too.

And I think, I just want to meditate on this verse as well as the lyrics of the song. I guess, I'm just realizing how I've taken my relationship with God for granted. We always say how great and how awesome He is, and how much He loves us. But I think that we forget that He is also a holy God - blameless, sinless, perfect. He is everything that we are not. And for an imperfect, sinful, selfish person as myself, it's hard to wrap my brain around the fact that someone like Him would die for someone like me - that a perfect God would send His one and only Son to save me from condemnation. 

Hi friends, this is what Christmas is all about. 

It's the fulfillment of God's promise from all those millenia that has passed. It is also the greatest miracle given the fact that He came out of a virgin - and for some of us who grew up in Sunday School and in traditional Catholic schools, this fact sort of lost its charm after the first 10 lectures. But it shouldn't, it really shouldn't. This fact that may be easy for some of us to overlook is one of the greatest things that we will ever know. He is full God, who became full man (blameless, sinless, but man who was tempted just like us) to save us. I am left in such great wonder by this fact. Are you?

Revelations 4-5 give us the setting in heaven - His rightful place in Heaven, being worshiped and praised. I can't speak for anyone else, but it really excites me to worship Him in Heaven, to praise Him, and to bring further glory to His name for all eternity. 

Hey God, thank You for sending Your son to die for us. Thank You for giving us Christmas, thank You for giving us something to celebrate. You are awesome. 

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! LET'S CELEBRATE THE GOD WHO GAVE US ETERNAL LIFE. CHEERS. :) 

Days 69-73

I think that the past few days have mostly been a blessing, but at the same time, God has been teaching me some things as well. I think this is the first time I'm mentioning it here, but for a little less than a month, the Youth Worship Team rehearsed for a Christmas presentation held last Saturday. 

Day 69: Thursday's Technical Rehearsal

In my last post, I mentioned how I was feeling emotionally terrible last week. I also mentioned the most possible reason for that - which came true on Wednesday. Anyway, I was actually prepping myself to have more bad days, but God gave me a break by showing me the joy in baking. And so I spent most of the day making oatmeal raisin cookies - which I brought to rehearsals that day too.

Jess and I met up before rehearsals for some much needed AP date. It wasn't like our usual conversations, this one was very light - just talking about baking, and family, and what it's like being Chinese. Haha. Before heading back to church though, we decided to go to Watson's first and (I would like to think that this was God's bonus for me) lo and behold, Up Dharma Down was performing at the same mall that we were at and I finally, finally got to see and hear them live. (I was just a few meters away from them!) I took a couple of videos of them - I'd post them here but I just took them with my phone and they're of really bad quality. But it doesn't matter, because at least now, I have the memory of watching them perform live - and I could not stop thanking God for it. As shallow as it seems, this was one of the reasons why my day went infinitely better. 

I won't go into the full details of how rehearsal went. All I'll say is that it was both a blessing and a challenge to serve God with all those who were there that night. It was a long night, everyone was tired and getting caught up in the technicalities of things, but somehow, we still managed to get some work done, and I just thank God that He's the one working in the production. I'm also grateful for Him teaching me to be a bit more patient and not get so worked up by the smallest things - although, I guess I learned the lesson but I just failed to apply it.

Day 70: Prayer Time

There are no words to explain how it feels to just take the time to talk to God and to pray for other people. Mark gave us a time limit of 30 minutes to take the time to pray for at most 5 of us who were there at the prayer meeting. We went over time though, and I think that was okay - because none of us minded that we finished late and I think all of us appreciated the day that we allotted to just commit the presentation to God, and surrender all our worries and anxieties to Him. 

I thank God because He never fails to teach us that prayer - though it is about Him - is for us too. I mean, He is the One who understands us the best; when we're feeling all sorts of things and we don't know how to encapsulate it in a word or a sentence, He already knows it. We've been told that prayer is our way of communicating to God, and it's true. Communication is always the best way to get close to a person - and I think that that's really all what God wants for us.

Day 71: The Sound: A GCF Youth L.I.V.E. Christmas Celebration

If I were to sum this day up in one sentence, it would be that: This day was well worth all the trouble and headache that the people spent on because in the end, it was a day just celebrating God and His greatest gift for all of us. It was a long day - yes, I will be lying if I said that it wasn't. But for the most part, it was just an honor to be serving God, to give back what He's given us, and it was just a pleasure to know that somehow, He was glorified and that people were drawn closer to Him and have committed their lives to Him. 

Though there may have been some difficulties getting there and during the performance, I don't think anyone of us minded them. I think that for the most part, all of us were just joyous at being able to serve Him and enjoyed worshiping Him. All of us had a role to play, and though some things were a far cry from being perfect, we did the best that we could at the time, and I know - well, I hope - that God was pleased with what we had offered Him that night. 

I thank God because He proved to all of us, time and time again, why we do the things that we do. He reminded us of just how great, awesome, sovereign, and amazing He truly is - that though while practically all of us were anxious about at least one aspect of the presentation, God proved that He's got us covered.

Day 72: YGroups Christmas Party/Discipleship with Ate Rhods

Okay, so I don't think I was able to enjoy the Christmas party that day because I was still pretty much tired and sleepy from the day before. My parents and I arrived at Church at around 11am, and I literally just woke up an hour ago, took a shower, dressed and left the house in 30 minutes. Usually, I'd be frantic - for waking up late and rushing to finish everything in a short amount of time but I think that time, I was mostly tired to do or complain about anything. Haha.

I think the Youth sort of went all out for this year's Christmas party. I mean, we had concessionary stands of nachos and siomai, street ice cream, and a photo booth station. :)) And although there was a program and games, I don't think a lot of people were paying attention and participating though - but I doubt the ygroup leaders minded very much. I think everyone was just happy to be there and to have fellowship with each other. 

After the party, I had discipleship with Ate Rhods whom I haven't seen in almost 2 months. 

Here's the both of us , posing and doing dorky faces :D I love my discipler ♥

We had lunch at Hainanese Delights, and sometimes, I think we're not meant to stay at a public place just because we're so loud and we laugh a lot. Like, disturbingly a lot. :)) But we never fail to have deep and meaningful conversations while we're having fun. Come to think of it, I think it was one of the best conversations that we've had this year. She was mostly asking questions that caused me to reflect on the past year, especially of how God has been to me this year. And I guess, despite the things that I went through this year, it made me see just how God was working in my life every single day of the year. He was a real teacher and a true protector. 

The talk that we had made me realize just how awesome God is, and how precious I am to Him (of course, we're all precious to Him). I know that this year, He taught me a lot of things - like depending on Him more, knowing for a fact that He only wants the best for me, being certain that my God is everything that I will ever need.

All the while, You hear each spoken need. Your love is way too much to give us lesser things. (Blessings, Laura Story)

I think, I learned that lesson the hard way, but I'm still grateful anyway. I'm grateful that though I was far from being faithful, my God has always been faithful to me.

Something else to be grateful for, was when Ate Rhods gave me the go signal to be a discipler myself. I'm really excited for this one, because it's one of the things that I truly look forward to. It's one of the main reasons why I wanted to in the discipleship program in the first place. Ate Rhods asked me to pray to God about who I would want to disciple some day, and I'm excited as to who this person that God will reveal to me will be.

Day 73: Destiny's Promise Orphanage

Just this Monday, the Youth's Missions Team went on an outreach as a final activity for the year. It was an orphanage in Taytay, Rizal called Destiny's Promise. It's only been up for a year, so it's not the huge orphanages we see on TV. 

Photo by Oliver Pagulayan

The Missions Team and other volunteers with the social workers and the kids :)

Now, I know I haven't mentioned it before. But the days leading to the 19th have been a little tough for me, emotionally. I was getting a lot distracted during the rehearsals for the worship celebration because I couldn't help but notice that it was getting closer to what would have been the first anniversary. The past few days, I was distracted, and I wasn't really dealing with it. I was also worried about how I would be like - emotionally - on the 19th. 

But once again, God had me covered and that there really wasn't anything I needed to be worried about.

I could not have spent this day any better. It was such a blessing, to play with these children and to, somehow, be able to minister to the social workers as well. It certainly makes me see things in a different perspective, and I've just been blessed that they found joy with each other. And I'm certain that they already consider each other as family.

Thank You, Lord. Thank You for adopting us into Your family and making us co-heirs with Your son. You are just amazing.

It's A Girl Thing

I don't know how many times I've blogged about and during my monthly period. I guess it's when all the emotions are active and I just really need a release for something. 

Furrowed brows, not amused face = GPOY

GPOY GPOY GPOY

So, I hate that everything right now just ticks me off and that I have absolutely no patience for anything. We had rehearsals for the concert on the 17th and I was just so flipping irritable. I suppose it was triggered by people arriving late for practice - which was supposed to start at 2, but the singers started rehearsing at 3. For me, being on time is really important - as a matter of fact, it'll be better if people got in early. But they didn't need to; all that was asked is for them to be there when they're supposed to be there. But I guess it wasn't too bad because I got most of my studying done anyway.

That's not the only thing that irritated me today of course, there was an assortment of them. And it's so easy to dwell on staying mad, frowning, and snapping at anyone who tries to talk to me - but I know that I shouldn't. I know that I should try to smile and cheer up and think of butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns. What makes this more difficult of course is that besides feeling like I want to kill something right now, I also feel super ugly and fat, and really vulnerable. This, of course, is very dangerous. Especially since vulnerability has the tendency to make me do stupid things - like maybe text a certain someone and just rant to that person. So I consider it a miracle that I still have the self-control not to reach for my phone and do just that. (I mean, we were friends and he was one of my best friends that I knew I could rely on when things go crappy on my end) 

Everyday is a challenge, today more so. 

Oh God, I know there was a reason why you made me into a girl. When I see, this is one of the questions I will ask - why do girls turn into an evil witch at certain times of the month? Love You always, Alyssa.

p.s. I'm not even on my monthly yet - this is just me, PMSing.

Day 68: Saved Festival

I think I'll let the pictures do most of the talking for this one.

It was such an honor to have been led to worship by people who have such a passion for God. This is just a preview of what we'll be doing eternally in heaven, and I am just so excited for it! :D It was just so amazing and overwhelming for me to see all those people to come together and worship the one true God. More than the songs that were played, and the testimonies that were delivered, I was blessed by the hearts of each and everyone who have the same goal as I do - to bring glory to God's name.

Thank You, Lord. You are forever awesome and amazing.

Til next year, Saved Festival.

Days 61-67: A Crazy Week

As a disclaimer, I would just like to say that writing this will be quite a challenge - not because of some emotional struggle (though, of course those would be unavoidable, but they're not the main bulk of it), but because this requires some memory work. I've actually wanted to blog about a lot of things since last Sunday, but laziness and fatigue go the better of me.

Day 61: Y-Groups (Sunday)

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. -- Romans 5:3-4.

Our y-group last Sunday focused on God's grace and the righteousness of man through Christ, and the gifts or blessings that come with being right with God. Verses 3-4 of Romans 5 succinctly states these blessings that God has manifested in my life this year. It's no secret after all, just how challenging this year was to me and how much emotional pain I've gone through in a span of months.

Before this entire mess happened, I never actually thought that God's way of refining and disciplining me would be that painful - and I know it's nothing compared to the things that other people have faced or are still going through. It's not unusual either, for a lot of us to think that we don't deserve to go through such things because 'we haven't done anything wrong' and ask the question 'why do bad things happen to good people?'. Well see, it's a matter of perspective. In our limited, human point of view, we have this lacking notion of what is just, what we deserve, and what is right. We think that just because we're generally good people, we don't deserve to go through pain, experience hardships, or even suffer through the consequences of our actions.

As humans, we seem to be under the impression that we have the liberty to do whatever we want without taking responsibility for our actions.

The fact of the matter is, what we deserve, Christ took the brunt of it for us. We deserve to die, we deserve judgment, yet He was the one who took our places. We don't deserve God's grace, and yet He still gave it to us, redeemed us. So what's a generous amount of challenges that we need to face in God's time? We need to remember that our God is not a malicious God, nor does he take pleasure in our suffering just so He could see us in pain. He's not sadistic. We need to stop seeing trials as an evil, because good is still present in them. Trials are good because they come from God; we mature through them, our characters are further built in them.

Thank You Lord, because You love me so much that You kept me from drowning in my mistake, and that You gave me the strength to overcome them.

Day 62-64: The Strong Factor (Monday-Thursday) [oh hey look, I made a pun :))]

I suppose I should explain the need for the pun? Ahehe. Well, it's as simple as it was the common thread in those three days. See, on Day 62 (which is also the second day of my monthly), friend A was telling this story of the time when she and our other friend (friend B) saw an r-13 movie and the guard wouldn't let friend B in because she didn't look like she was older than 13 - when she was already 19 then. So I asked friend A what movie it was that they saw at that time. Friend A wasn't so sure which one it was, that it was probably Love and Other Drugs. She said that, basta iyong movie na nakasalubong namin kayo ni Strong sa sinehan! (with matching heartfelt pointing of the finger) She said it so enthusiastically that I was actually expecting myself to get upset over it, or at least be affected by it a bit. Instead, I continued eating my lunch and actually felt nothing when she said it. I was more affected by the way that she pointed at me!

And I can only attribute this to God. This is all Him and I can't ever take credit for this because if this happened to me several months ago, I'd probably gotten super affected and/or cried. Which was why on Day 63, I finally realized and truly believed that God has helped me to move on. While there are those days that I would inevitably feel vulnerable and think about him, these instances decreased over the course of the last few months. God has continually helped me to get back on my feet once again, and set me on the path that He wants me to take. It was also on this day that I intentionally made the decision to forgive Strong.

I know that I should have done it earlier, that I should have made that decision and promise earlier. Nevertheless, making that decision gave me this profound peace in my heart; that feeling that my burden has been lifted. I knew, of course, that he wasn't the only one at fault and that I had made my own mistakes as well. Besides, I knew from the start how irrational the decision of starting an illegal relationship with him was.

Joshua Harris' book Boy Meets Girl has helped me come to this decision. On the topic of forgiveness, he included a quote that he got from his father. It said, Forgiveness means that you never use someone's past against them. I know that it's going to be a constant effort, I know that it won't be easy, but should I ever feel tempted to bring up the past against him, I know that I can count on God to keep me from doing so.

So, having reached this conclusion, I found that God has such a tremendous sense of humor. On Day 64, I get an unexpected text from Strong, as I already posted on my previous entry. It was just so bizarre I guess, especially since we haven't spoken to each other in 3 months - not even hi's or hello's. God is just funny sometimes. But I ended up asking Him what that was about - because I seriously could not figure out why it happened a day after I realized that I was doing well. But I surprised myself by handling it better than I thought I would. I thank God that He kept me calm and relatively unaffected by what was happening. Still, I continually asked God to guard my heart and not to get myself too attached with him all over again. Although I am uncertain if what happened on this day was a test from God and I've no idea if I passed the test or not, I'm still thankful that God gave me an opportunity to show that I'm no longer mad at him; that I'd already forgiven him.

Day 65: The Truth (Friday)

This one will be short - actually, I can state the thing that I'm grateful for in a couple of sentences. I am grateful that the Protestant Reformation happened all those centuries ago. I thank God that the reality and the truth of His love for us has been known to us and that our faith in Him is not in vain.

Day 66: An Overflow of Worship (Saturday)

I would like to thank God for Band 3. I would like to thank God for the way that He has provided for our band. It is amazing how from being a "girl band", God has provided us with male singers that balanced out our band. In this way, dividing songs into girl-boy categories actually make sense now. :)) I praise God for Josiah who led worship with us last Saturday for the first time and for Josh Magsombol who led worship with us last Saturday after a very long time.

In addition, God has also provided for us a handful of competent pool of preachers who are passionate about God. Praise God for Theo and the message that he delivered last Saturday.

Day 67: A Friendly Reminder from Ate Chette (Sunday)

It's routine when we have y-groups to ask how each person is doing. So I told Ate Chette my concern about the workload that I have for school now. More importantly though, I told her of the unexpected text that I received last Thursday and again on Saturday evening after worship. I told her how I felt and how I've constantly checked myself if I was doing ok, if I could still handle it. And while I told her that I was actually find about the whole thing, she warned me to still be careful and that it would be better if I just ignore any and all texts coming from him.

I of course knew that this was only logical, because talking to him after only 3 months still puts my emotions at the high risk of getting attached and getting hurt all over again.

I praise God because He never fails to take care of me and to protect me. I know that should I have followed what I wanted, that is to start being friends with him again, it would undoubtedly fail. Neither of us are completely healed and have moved on yet, so starting something again at this point would have been a shame. So while I still love him (thankfully, less each day and more as a brother), I love God more and know that He's the one I need to focus on.

ANYARE.

One minute I was watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and the next moment I get a text from Mr. Ex. @-)

Kailangan day after ang challenge, Lord? Kakarealize ko lang kagabi na medyo ok na ako ah. Anyway. Besides being bewildered, I feel nothing. But dear Lord, please just keep on reminding me that You are far greater than this and that I have You to guard my heart. I will delight in You, Lord, and not just on some guy. I love You, Lord. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Something About Grattitude

Just a thought. It's really easy to be grateful when things are going so well. But often, we fail to be so when we're in a bad mood, or when nothing is going our way. 

Human nature. 

Quite fickle, isn't it?

Day 60: Bittersweet Grattitude

Today, my parents and I went to the Chinese Cemetery in Manila. 

gate entrance of the cemetery

I actually wasn't too psyched about it - well, I've actually never been to psyched about visiting the dead. Especially dead people whom I've never met when they were alive. I don't really know if this would make me insensitive, but the mausoleums that we went to were the ones of my mom's grandparents; and to be honest, I think not one cousin from my mom's side of the family have ever met tai gua-ma and tai gua-kong. I appreciate my mom's effort of making them known to us though. It was great hearing stories from her childhood. How in some bizarre way, the cemetery became their playground when they were young. I mean, I know of memorial parks that look friendly and really do look like your average parks. But this cemetery is all hard, dirty, and cold cement.

I don't know how they looked like during my mom's childhood, but this is how they look like now. In each street, there are rows of mausoleums about the size of a small studio apartment that house the remains of each families' loved ones. Historically, it's so interesting for me. It makes me wonder where the early Chinese got the idea that dead people need houses too. It's fascinating, this thing of learning about my culture as a Filipino-Chinese. And I know that I am rooted enough in my faith that I'm certain that the information I will be getting, traditions and culture that will be explained to me will remain just as that - information. 

Oh, I forgot to mention that we also visited this little tomb that belongs to my older sister (I'm not really clear if my mom had a miscarriage or if my ate was a premature baby: my parents never really discussed it with me and I never prodded for answers). So while I'm grateful for God's grace and His Son's redemptive act, it becomes a little bittersweet for me because these family members that we just visited today died without having been saved. I mean, as far as assumptions go with regards to my great grandparents anyway. It is highly likely though that they never got to surrender their lives to God, accept Christ as their Savior. 

It doesn't sadden me because I won't see them in heaven. As far as I'm concerned, they are related to me by blood but not by "relationship". The thing that's saddening is the fact that they didn't get a chance to experience God in their lives while they were alive; that until the very end, they were the masters of their own fate and did turn the reigns over to God. 

Everyone deserves the opportunity to know God. As Christians, this should make us more aware of the importance of reaching out to people who've not heard of the Gospel. And speaking of unreached people, I saw this segment on ABS-CBN about suicides; the people who committed suicide, their families, and how their suicides affected their families. The second segment was about this tribal elder in Palawan whose children all committed suicide. The thing that was surprising though was that it didn't even bother him. He explained that taking one's own life was simply a means of ending life - a quickie solution to end pain and suffering. Almost as though suicides are as common as taking painkillers for a headache. They also think that committing suicide is not a big deal because some people are built to be stronger. They also have no concept of the afterlife, heaven, or hell. When life ends, it ends. That is their belief.

And all of a sudden, it's like I had this burden or longing for someone, anyone, to reach out to them - to tell them of God's goodness, to explain to them that ending your life should be a big deal. Even if they say that the Philippines is the only Christian country in Asia, there are still so many people that need to know God. I mean, they shouldn't be ignored just because they're a minority. Everyone needs God in their lives, even if they don't know of Him yet.

He said to them: “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”  -- Acts 1:7-8

We're all called to reach out and be involved in missions, we are required to be God's witnesses wherever we go.

**images are from google, none of those photos are mine.

No One Is Exempt

Paul, I think, is the best example that everyone is called to evangelize and missions.

"Go! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name." -- Acts 9:15-16

To those reading this and have absolutely no background of who Paul is, for starters, he wasn't always called Paul. He was first, Saul - someone who knew the Mosaic Law by heart and persecuted Christians because he believed that they were going against God's commands. He was, initially, someone who didn't believe in Jesus as the Christ. With misguided intentions and misinformation, he became one of the most determined Christian persecutors in early Christian history.

The thing about Saul, eventually called Paul, is was that he was chosen by God. Despite the things that he has done, God still chose to use him for the furtherance of His kingdom. And if God can turn a persecutor/murderer into one of the most passionate and God-filled apostles, surely he can use us.

Here's the picture, I personally, have always been under the assumption that evangelism and missions are a special vocation; that only certain people are called to it. For the longest time, I've been really iffy about it. I was cool with serving God, but on my own terms. Shameful, I know. But we all go through this. We say that we commit our lives to God, and yet at the slightest call to do something out of comfort zone, we shrink back and politely decline. 

Is it safe to say that whenever we refuse to pay attention to the way that God calls us to do His work - no matter how uncomfortable it may be - that we haven't really surrendered all to Him?

I'm not trying to sound preachy about this, believe me that is the last thing I want to do. Besides, I am also very much guilty of this. For as far as I can remember, I have steered away from missions because I was afraid that God was going to put me in another place. Until recently, I hardly involved myself with missions at all. But I think now, God is directing me towards a path that I once thought that I would never take. 

We are all called to missions, and if we want to glorify God more, bringing more people to Him to be saved is the best way to go. Thankfully, I realized this during the prayer retreat almost a week ago. I believe God spoke to me very clearly that time - no doubt about it, He was telling me to get off my butt and start working for Him, to bring more people to Him. And though it's daunting for me, I just need to keep reminding myself that it should never be about me. It should, first and foremost, always be about Him.

We are called to know Christ and to make Him known.

Days 56-59

I had hoped to be productive this sembreak, but so far, I've mostly been just playing with our new golden retriever which we got the very first day that I was officially on break. I have been on a baking mood lately - I've been looking through some cupcake recipes online and have just been mustering the guts to start on it. Anyway, I'm blogging about the past few days that God has blessed me with.

Days 56-57

I, along with several other Youth Leaders from GCF, went on a prayer retreat over the weekend. I have to admit that my initial motives for wanting to go to this retreat was more for having fellowship with the other leaders than actually preparing for my encounter with God. I suppose, I just didn't expect a lot from it? It's not to say that I expected it to be terrible or horribly boring - which it neither was. I was, gratefully, proven wrong and was very much blessed by this retreat.

Admittedly, I have a poor prayer life - and I'm not just saying this. I feel bad that prayer to me, has become both an obligation and a list of things that I ask from God. This of course, is wrong. Prayer should never be about us, it should primarily be about God and glorifying His name. It's not new information. Given how I grew up in Sunday School and became very active in Church, it's something that I already know. But sometimes, head knowledge just stays precisely as that - head knowledge. We took note of the information and file it somewhere in our brains to take our for future reference, when it shouldn't be.

Glorifying God should be our topmost priority. It should be something that we constantly work for; that even when things get to be really difficult for us, we press on towards Jesus and to make His name known. Having already been saved, being secure in our redemption, we tend to be complacent and forget that we are all called to evangelize and reach out to billions of others all around the world. God is glorified when we pray for more people to be saved - prayer then, is evangelical in nature.

For this retreat, we also spent 13 hours in silence and just spent the time talking and listening to God. It was a first for me. I don't think I've ever stayed quiet for that long. It wasn't too difficult to do since it was during the night, and most of it was spend sleeping. But it was refreshing I guess, when you just immerse yourself in God's word, stay still, and let Him speak to you. It was really overwhelming for me that I ended up crying (which was a first; I don't think I've ever been driven to tears when I do my devotions). 

For the longest time, I've been avoiding missions and evangelism, because I was more afraid for myself than I was concerned to glorify Him.Now though, I know that I should be getting involved myself in missions and evangelism - they are after all, commanded by God. I know that it'll be tough, that there are those who would be resistant and would flat out refuse to listen, but I will do it for my God.

Day 58

Yesterday, my family and I went to the cemetery to visit my grandparents' (on both sides) and my great grandparents' graves. It was a little different this year since it was just us. Normally, we'd be having like mini reunions with my mom's side of the family when we visit our dead relatives. This year though, some of my mom's sisters already went a few weeks before us and I couldn't help but feel dismayed about not being able to see my aunts and my cousins. 

But despite that, it was still a blessing. I was able to learn more about my dad's side of the family while we were at the cemetery - years before I was even born. I learned about my gua-ma (my mom's mom) and how she was so excited about my birth that despite my being in the ICU (I don't exactly know why I was there), she had my ears pierced right away and how I was the last grandchild that she saw before she passed 11 months later. 

On my dad's side of the family, I've always been jealous of how my older cousins are so close. I've been jealous of the fact that all the cousins would have sleepovers at the ancestral home, playing and wreaking havoc. I've also been jealous of the fact that I my aunts and uncles would pick my brothers up from school when they were younger. Being the youngest, I never got to experience any of those since my cousins were already older when I was born (FYI, I am the second to the last youngest cousin in our family). But even if I was sobrang naiinggit, I was just grateful that I got to hear those stories from my family.

Praise God for family time :)

Day 59

Today, I found out that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced after getting married a little over two months ago. I wasn't surprised when the news hit. I actually don't know how to react to it. I suppose I'm just sad with the way that people have little regard to the sanctity of marriage now. It's as if the words 'til death do us part mean nothing. It probably doesn't anyway. I feel as though people go through the actions of having a wedding without understanding the implications of the vows that they've exchanged with each other and in front of their friends and family.

It's like they're not even trying to make the marriage work and at the earliest signs of struggle, they give up. I don't really understand what is happening to the culture in so many countries now or what goes through the people who want to be separated from their spouses. How hard is to understand that making a commitment means that there's no backing out, that you're in that relationship for life. Unless your life is in danger, there is absolutely no reason for you to get out of your marriage. 

You have troubles? Well tough, getting married did not exempt you from the problems of the world. That doesn't mean that you leave your partner behind. You stopped loving your partner? Well, marriage is not a feeling - it's a commitment. Besides, you don't leave just because of that. You find a way to woo your spouse and fall in love with them all over again. Do not be lazy when it comes to your marriage. 

This whole thing just made me grateful that after some 30+ years of marriage, my parents are still together and in love like nobody's business. They may not be affectionate or showy like the other couples out there, but I know that they deeply love and care for each other. I am grateful that they have a great marriage, and one day, I hope to have one just like theirs. 

It's frustrating, this news. But while there are couples out there who are getting divorced, they still exists couples who actually grew old together. I believe that God has provided for us someone who will complement our person - and someone who will be able to glorify God with. It's not the end of the world.

There is hope for love.

Taking a Break

from Tumblr.

Of course, I don't know how long I'll last without going through my dashboard but I think it's needed. Maybe I'm overreacting, I don't know. But I just spend way too much time there - way too much time online actually - and I feel like it's eating my life away. I could do so much more if I'm not on it all the time. Plus, I'm becoming a war freak, and that's always going to end bad. 

And to think Pastor BJ just told us the one and only situation that we're allowed to get mad. 

I just don't get it, I guess. When did saying the truth - that if majority of the people in the world engaged in same sex relationships, human population will decline - merit being called a homophobe? I guess, I just don't understand what they're fighting for. Humans are humans, that's basically it right? You have your human rights and your civil rights - regardless of sexual orientation. Deal with it. But I'm not condoning homophobia or bullying or abuse towards homosexuals. 

So I'll take a break from all of that. Spend some more time with God and on self-reflection, and to steer away from anything that would potentially cause me to get mad again.

Day 54-55: Realizations, Affirmations

I have been MIA for the longest time. I blogged thrice for the whole of September - which is really sad, come to think of it. But God has been awesome, without a doubt. I may not write about it everyday, but He makes me feel His love and His presence each day. He has continually sustained me and kept me alive for the weeks that lead to Finals week, and I'm grateful for that. :) So onto the point of this post: 100 days of God's goodness :)

Day 54: Affirmation

You know how sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just sort of end up thinking about what you're not supposed to think about? Well, my memories have been whooping my butt and it's quite common for me to end up thinking about him - the could have, might have, should haves of it all. You know how it is, when all of a sudden, you just sort of start thinking and asking yourself: Would I have been happier if I didn't end things? 

So, I decided to do my devos after. I was a day late with the reading assignment for Bible 365, so instead of reading Luke 3-6, I was reading Luke 1-2. God used this verse to affirm me that yes, having separate lives is better for the both of us.

"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?" -- Luke 1:34

I don't think I've shared this here before. But months ago, when Strong and I were still together and hanging out at MOA during a ridiculously long break, he asked me something that is - come to think of it - ridiculous. At that time, this was what he asked me: "Mahal, pano kung mabuntis kita?" (Love, what if I get you pregnant?). Blinded by love at that time, all I ended up saying was, "Edi panagutan mo." (Then take responsibility for it.)

Come to think of it, Mary getting pregnant at that time - out of wedlock and not by her husband - was setting herself up to be the target of people's judgments. Besides this, I'm not entirely sure, but weren't women killed at that time for committing "adultery"? She took a huge leap of faith. She knew that she was simply a vessel, an instrument, and that she was part of something greater. So despite the judgmental looks she was bound to get from people everywhere she goes, she took it because she knew that it was for the greater good and because it was God's will.

Now, contrast that with a "could have been" of my situation. Fortunately, I was able to tell him what I should have told him months ago when he asked me that. When we had counseling 2 months ago, I brought that up and told him that the fact that he even asked me that question just goes to show how much he doesn't know me. I asked him if he seriously thought that I would be the type of girl to let herself get pregnant out of wedlock. 

I can't even begin to imagine the cost of having a child at this day, at my age, and without a job. I know that some people are in this situation - balancing work and studies at the same time, and somehow managed to ask their parents for support and that's great. But call it pride, but I really wouldn't want to ask my parents for support for something that I should be responsible for. If I'm going to raise a kid, I want to do it right. I want to be able to raise him or her in a family filled with love, and a family that is dependent on God - not a family that is kept whole by a sense of obligation instead of volition. It would probably kill me if one day my kid comes up to me and asks if his or her dad only stayed because I got knocked up. 

I don't want my kid to ever think that, or to think that he's a burden. He is a gift, and that's how he should be treated. 

I want kids,  4 at most. But if I were to have them at this point in my life with someone who is still unsure of where he wants to be 5 years from now, and someone who will undoubtedly have a difficult time supporting a family, I might as well just give my kid up for adoption, even if it'll kill me.

So thank You, Lord once again for affirming a God-based decision. 

Day 55: Realization

So I caught up with the readings for Bible 365 just now. And seeing as Luke is part of the Gospels, it records Jesus' life and ministry. Which means, for the most part of the reading assignment, it was mostly about Christ performing miracles. If He's not healing the sick, He's casting demons out of the possessed, or He's raising people back to life. And in all of these, not once did He ask the people to DO anything for Him - so that He could heal them, raise them back to life, or exorcise them. All he asked and required of was faith. That's what's most important to Him. 

Isn't that how salvation works?

We are saved because we believe in Him, not because of our deeds or our words. We are saved by faith. For us Christians, it means so much more because it just goes to show God's grace. He is gifting us with salvation, He doesn't want works to earn that salvation - he's giving it freely. But, it's just up to us to believe. I guess it's just a matter of asking yourself the question, in the same way that Jesus asked the Pharisess: Which is easier to say; your sins are forgiven or get up and walk? No doubt He can do both - He is, after all, God. But He's not looking for an external change, but rather, something that is internal.

Belief. 

One word that is sure to test us, test whether or not we have a true relationship with God.

Things I do at 12 in the morning

It should be school work. But I'm taking a break from that first. 

I know I haven't blogged in a while. But, sorry to disappoint, but no deep and reflective thoughts for tonight. Tonight, I bringeth GPOY :D Otherwise known as gratuitous picture of yourself. Or. Vanity. :))

wishing my hair would always be that cooperative

(yes, it has bad lighting and is a low quality picture) 

So I was checking if the dress that I bought a month ago for my cousin's wedding (which is this Sunday already) still fits and if it goes well with the shoes I bought two weeks ago :)

here be the dresseth

and here be the shoes :)

That is all. :D Now, back to trolling working :D

Day 51-53 How God Prepares

I've had friends who've told me that sometimes when something unexpected happens to them, natural reaction to the situation would kick in. Eventually however, as they told me, they would realize soon after that it wasn't too bad because God had prepared them for those situations. 

I am blessed to say that God has prepared me for an unexpected encounter last night with How he's been talking to me the past few days.

Day 51: Wednesday

Wednesdays are usually pretty laid back for me. Because it's the University's "free day", I spend most of my Wednesdays at home, do some school work - but mostly catch up on some much needed rest, and have an early morning time spend with God. And it just feels  so good when God is speaking to me clearly. That very distinct kilig feeling because He's talking to me. 

"But have you any right to be angry?" -- Jonah 4:4

It was just something that really struck me. For a few months now, I've stopped considering that I'm still mad or angry - at him or at the situation. I certainly never thought that I was over it - I still don't think that I'm over it. But I thought that I've already gone past the angry stage. But as I've come to realize, just because I'm not raging every few minutes, or just because the desire to inflict the same kind of pain on him is gone, does not mean that I'm not mad at him or at the situation anymore.

Sometimes, something as simple as bitterness can still account for being mad - and certainly something that the devil would be able to use and spur on so that I would get insanely angry again. It's a dangerous thing, this bitterness. But the reason why that verse struck me so much is because I know that I really don't have much of a right to be mad. Yes, he hurt me but that doesn't mean I had no fault in the situation as well. I went against God's wishes so of course there are going to be repercussions, and I need to deal with the consequences.

Besides, getting mad will not help anyone. So I might as well just stop and move on right?

Day 52: Thursday

Just this Thursday, the University's School of Education had its incorporation rites and the Education students had to dress up for the event. Well, it wasn't a formal event, but I had to wear a skirt - and it's the second time that I've worn a skirt to school.

To be honest, it wasn't that spectacular or anything. It was an event that formally inducted us into the SED family, and for the most part, we all had fun. And I just thank God for constantly affirming me that I am in the right course. That night just got me thinking that even though there's not a lot of money in teaching, the financial returns really isn't something that concerns me - I mean, I know that when the time comes, God will provide. In a way, it was fun as well - it was a gathering of people who are ready and happy to serve.

Thank You Lord for putting me this desire to teach and to make a difference.

Day 53: Friday

Yesterday was the birthday of one of my closest friends in college. Somehow though, we weren't able to have a big celebration for her. I mean, we gave her cards and greetings and stuff, but somehow it didn't feel like we made her feel more appreciated on her special day. I do hope though that we made her feel loved enough yesterday.

It was actually a pretty good day yesterday. Went to all my classes, and especially enjoyed the discussion we had for Developmental Psychology yesterday. Topic? Birth Order. And so yesterday, I just realized that I really don't fit the characteristics of the last-born. Interestingly, I fit in on the first-born category more. Or maybe I just really dislike being the youngest in the family? Goodness, I really don't know. :))

After class, I went straight to church for band rehearsals. So, we have more guest band members than actual band 3 members and for what seemed like the first time ever, there were more boys than girls in the band room yesterday. :)) I also had to lead the band devotionals last night, and because Jonah 4 had a huge impact on me, it's the passage that I decided to share last night. I usually get nervous for it, but yesterday, I was just really excited to share what God has been telling me. :)

Speaking of Jonah 4:4, just before I led devos last night, Strong stopped by with Matt at the band room. I've said before that we're trying to be civil with each other right? Well lately, it just feels like I'm the one that's just trying to be polite and civil with him. What I realized last night, when neither of us said hi or whatever, that I can try being polite and civil all I want. But in the end, I'm just going to get frustrated. Ang bastos lang kasi. Babatiin mo tapos wala. I mean, I'm making an effort here. But eh. I resolved with myself last night that if he really doesn't want to, then I'll be fine with it. I mean, I'm through with making a fool out of myself.

And I just thank God for the speaking to me last Wednesday and preparing me for that unexpected encounter with Strong last night. It would have been really easy to get mad and bothered last night, but somehow, I just felt like I'm getting used to it already. :)

Lala. Keep calm and keri lang. My God is in control, He is with me. And that's enough for me.

Day 50: Thank God I'm a Woman

"I cared for you in the desert in the land of burning heat. When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me." --Hosea 13:5-6

Sometimes I think, being a woman is really tough. Every month from the moment we hit puberty, our hormones go on on this roller coaster ride that only our biological chemistry understands. Guys think that it's tough on them - especially those in relationships - to live with or relate to women when they are having their monthly. Well, however difficult it maybe for them, it's still nothing compared to the physical, emotional, and intellectual fatigue that we have to go through for that one week in each month. Sometimes, I even think that our emotions are let lose on that particular time that our minds and bodies are both struggling to keep up with it. 

It's tough to be a woman. But it's tougher to be a woman without God.

I personally think that without God by my side, I'd be crazy by now. The fact that women haven't tried to kill themselves because of the hormonal ride they get every month, I think, is a manifestation of God's grace. Which is why I thought Hosea 13:5-6 to be quite interesting. Taking it as it is, and setting aside for a moment that this is a passage from the Bible, the two verses sound like it's coming from a woman. To be more specific, it sounds like an embittered woman who have been set aside and forgotten after the efforts she placed on something or on someone. 

Looking at it at a human and mortal perspective, it seems like God is complaining - to be more direct, in Filipino parang nanunumbat ang Diyos. And if there was one thing I learned the earlier this year: huwag na huwag kang manunumbat sa mga taong hindi naman nangailangan ng tulong, regalo, o pagmamahal mo. It may seem off to us, but to God, it's totally fair and just. Why? Well, for one thing, He is our God, and as God, He has done so many things for our benefit. But sometimes, we get so blinded by our pride that we fail to see things in God's point of view. For another, God is a perfect and holy God. His understanding knows no bounds, and is a generous God. He gives in the context of what He knows is good for us, not what limitations deem best for us. And as we saw continuously since the beginning of time, God has been generous and faithful to His people. It was His people that continuously sinned against Him.

Kaya patawarin natin si God kung nagtatampo siya at may karapatan naman siya.

So how does this relate to this post's title? 

Well, it's mostly because I thought it was witty. But also because for those two verses, I imagined God to be a woman - but yes, I am perfectly aware that God is a spirit and therefore, does not really have a gender. And in some way, I imagined myself saying it - or at least, felt that I might say it in the future, when, God willing, I have a family or something. I know that at least for that moment, God certainly understands how women feel on a monthly basis - whether it be because of the monster that is our hormones, or a contextual something. That is, to feel insignificant, unappreciated, hurt. 

I thank God for His understanding. I thank God that despite the difficulties that came with being a woman, I am one. I thank God for the countless benefits that comes with being a woman - bringing a child into the world, nurturing a child like a mother would, loving a child like he/she is the only one that matters. 

Lord, I don't really know the point of this post. Ahe. But what I know is, before writing this, I wasn't feeling well - I mean, I haven't been feeling good lately. It's probably because I let myself get distracted by so many things and seek for other things when my security should lie with You. Lord, You know how emotionally tired I already am by everything that has been happening and how I'm afraid my emotions are making me think irrationally. Lord, I know that You are in control and I know that in Your perfect time, I'll truly be alright. I know that my emotions are super wonky right now, but I thank You for them anyway because they came from You - and You are the source of all good. Lord, help me please to glorify You. Help me to just focus on You and on my relationship with You. I wish to grow deeper in love with You. In Your Name I pray, Amen.

warning: this post was written by a highly emotional girl who is on her period.

Day 49: A Humbling Experience

Sometimes, I really need to start walking my talk.

Today, I found out that I've offended another person with the things that I've said. Admittedly, I am tactless and part of the problem with being tactless is not realizing that the words I let go would cause another person harm. It's a lesson learned, I guess - not to broadcast my feelings to the rest of the world. Especially if they're not edifying, I should really just learn how to stop and control myself. It's what I've been telling my other friend, but apparently, I need to it myself too. 

I don't know, I guess, I'm just more expressive of the things that I feel - rather, I'm more vocal about it. 

Protective or not, it's no longer my business - plus, I really don't have any right anyway. I've no position over them. Kaibigan lang ako. And I'm fine with that. I should not nor do I want to impose my will on them anymore because, reality check Alyssa, you are not God. One thing I have to prepare myself for though is the possibility, and maybe inevitability too, that if or when they do end up together, I might spend less time with my friend. And that I might lose her to the both of them - seeing as how the guy is close friends with the ex, and how ex and I can't really hang out together. I don't ever want it to reach the point where she'll feel the pressure or that the need to choose - because I am not that kind of friend. 

Kung darating man sa puntong iyon, mas mabuti nang ako na iyong bibitiw.

Man, I'm really not trying or intending to sound dramatic or whatever - but I think that's how it's ending up to be. ._. Dear AP, I love you and I only want the best for you. But I think, for the sake of our friendship, I will back off from this thing that you have with him. I will only speak when you ask my opinion. For now, I will just commit to being as objective as possible about the entire matter, and keeping quiet unless spoken to about it.

Lord, thank you for this lesson that You've taught me. I know that I can be extremely opinionated, intense, and tactless. Father, I apologize for the way that I've acted and for the things that I've said. I apologize for imposing on something that is not my concern, and for putting my will above Yours. I'm sorry for this seemingly excessive pride that I have. I realize that the reason for my actions is that the issues that I have are still quite fresh. I have issues that I need to fix, and I shouldn't be poking my nose where it doesn't belong. Lord, help me to be more humble, help me to mind my own business. Lastly Lord, I pray that you will teach me to be less judgmental and give people the benefit of the doubt. All these things in Your Holy Name I pray,

Amen.

Random Post is Random

Sometimes, life catches up to you and everything starts to sink in. And for that moment, you feel completely lost. Like all of a sudden, you can’t remember the life you had before everything blew up in your face. And it’s not like you feel sad or anything, just confused, wondering what the next step should be.

So I don’t want to call myself emo. But I guess, I have been emotional lately - but trying really hard not to breakdown. I mean first of all, there really isn’t anything I can do to change the way that things happened. They just did, and yes, I got hurt - plenty. It’s something that I’ve come to accept. Getting used to it however, is something else entirely.

Hm. I don’t know. I don’t even really know what I’m supposed to talk about right now.

I long for that day, I suppose. The day when I’ll finally be free from the horrible feeling, free from being bound to him emotionally, free from thinking about him constantly, and free from still having feelings for him. It’s something that I hope for, and it’s something that I’m certain will come.

I know only God can truly make me happy and joyful, and I believe that. Although, I also know that I’ve got to help myself be happy and joyful as well. Of course, efforts need to be made to have and remain a positive outlook.

I will overcome this :)

Day 48: End of Part I

This will be really short. (Oh, and this is for yesterday. ahehe)

I am thankful that a chapter in my life has officially ended - with closure and understanding that we both needed. I can focus on moving forward once again, taking care of myself once again, and just giving all my attention and focus to God. No more drama, no more problems related to that. It was a hurdle I finally jumped over and now, I really don't need to look back on it anymore.

Anything else I feel towards this is completely my own issues - the tendency to miss him and look for him; ako na iyon. And I know it really would take a while - again - for me to stop feeling those things and start to genuinely feel good about myself, of my own identity. Now, I'm just going to let God fill up all the empty spaces that needs to be filled within me, and I know that I'm going to be alright. I know that this will make me a stronger person, a wiser person capable of making Godly choices. 

I'm just excited to reach that point in my life na sobrang okay na ako, na masaya na ako. 

It's time to look and move forward, it's time to face the future with a smile on my face and God by my side. :)

Day 47: Thankful, All Things Considered

Remember how when you do things your way apart from God, they never work? First hand lesson right here. 

There were a lot of things that could have gone wrong yesterday, and some things that did go wrong. I mean, I'm still pretty much beating myself up for it because it really was just inexcusable and so immature. I mean come on, breaking down right before we were about to lead worship? Who does that? And it's not like anyone did anything to me, I suppose at that time, I just reached the boiling point. With everything that was happening, with everything that I was feeling for the week - I know that it wasn't the right time, but I realize that it was bound to happen anyway. 

I'm just, disappointed in myself I guess, and feeling terribly sorry for the people who had to see me in that state - which is, everyone I guess. And here's the thing, I would just really like to clear it up, I didn't go onstage to show the world that I had been crying and that I'm broken. On the contrary, I went up because I knew that whatever was the cause of the breakdown was coming from Satan and not from God. Feeling rejected, feeling insignificant - those are not from God. I went up because I was reminded of  and believe in God's love for me, and that I had to fight those feelings, those lies from the enemy. I went up because God is the only who's keeping me together.

So I apologize to anyone who have been bothered by my state yesterday, granted, I should have washed my face first or something. Again, I apologize for that.

I am thankful though that despite this, God has been glorified last night. A lot of things could have gone wrong last night - last minute changes in the line up an all - but I believe that God was still worshiped last night and that was what matters. I'm thankful that after that 'episode' everything just sort of went up from there. It was a good time of worship, and it was a good time of fellowship after with the band. I just. My love for Band 3 is... I don't even have the words for it. I thank God now for placing me in this band a year ago, I thank God for the people who are a part of this band, how we help each other, and how we are accountable to each other. Thank you for Angel and Janny who led worship with us, also, I now know more about the two of you thanks to the game that we played last night. :))

Thank You, truly, Lord. I hope that somehow, in my brokenness, Your light was able to shine.

Crying Can Be Healthy Too

If you know me, you know that I really don’t like crying. I think that crying, is a waste of effort, it shows weakness, and it means that there are just some things that I can’t control. I hate crying. I hate the feeling I get that leads to it. But I have to admit that there is an upside to this thing.

Release. Relief. The unburdening feeling I get after I cry.

So, I wasn’t really planning on tearing up today. It was just, I saw a rerun of one of Glee’s episodes (the one where Jean, Sue’s sister, dies) - and it was the part where Sue couldn’t even finish reading her eulogy. The scene where her voice cracks and she started to break down. It was a vulnerable moment - and although I wasn’t going through what she went through, I have to admit that I’m feeling vulnerable right now as well.

Heck. I’m lying on the sofa, crying my eyes out as I type this. I say I’m pretty vulnerable.

In one of our philosophy classes, we learned that your intimacy - your own experiences, pain, joy, etc. - is unique to you. Other people may sympathize, but they can never truly understand and feel the way that you do. Pain is relative - which is why people who go through certain challenges feel alone.

What am I trying to say?

Well, what started out as a stimulus that prompted tears seems to have ended as a means of self-reflection. I know that I am in a vulnerable state. I know that it seems as though all the effort I put to make myself move forward, be productive, and get better had all been for nothing. I mean, I think I’ve beaten myself up for it quite a lot already, and God has been rebuking me in my devotions too. And although I have to learn and start forgiving myself, I’m still feeling shameful and disappointed in myself that I let my guard down.

I wondered what had happened to guarding my heart.

But I know, that deep down in my heart, this will all turn out for the best. Right now, I just keep telling myself that this will be for my benefit as well. It builds character.

“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God.” —Ezekiel 11:19-20

Right now, I just really want to do my best at obeying good - doing and abiding by His will. Because right now, I know that I am in such an ugly place and state in my life - personally, not just with regards to the situation. I was reflecting on myself, and I got scared of what I found. I don’t quite like this person that I’ve become.

I really want to change myself. I really want to be the person that God wants me to be.

There is freedom in obedience, I long for that freedom.