Day 51-53 How God Prepares

I've had friends who've told me that sometimes when something unexpected happens to them, natural reaction to the situation would kick in. Eventually however, as they told me, they would realize soon after that it wasn't too bad because God had prepared them for those situations. 

I am blessed to say that God has prepared me for an unexpected encounter last night with How he's been talking to me the past few days.

Day 51: Wednesday

Wednesdays are usually pretty laid back for me. Because it's the University's "free day", I spend most of my Wednesdays at home, do some school work - but mostly catch up on some much needed rest, and have an early morning time spend with God. And it just feels  so good when God is speaking to me clearly. That very distinct kilig feeling because He's talking to me. 

"But have you any right to be angry?" -- Jonah 4:4

It was just something that really struck me. For a few months now, I've stopped considering that I'm still mad or angry - at him or at the situation. I certainly never thought that I was over it - I still don't think that I'm over it. But I thought that I've already gone past the angry stage. But as I've come to realize, just because I'm not raging every few minutes, or just because the desire to inflict the same kind of pain on him is gone, does not mean that I'm not mad at him or at the situation anymore.

Sometimes, something as simple as bitterness can still account for being mad - and certainly something that the devil would be able to use and spur on so that I would get insanely angry again. It's a dangerous thing, this bitterness. But the reason why that verse struck me so much is because I know that I really don't have much of a right to be mad. Yes, he hurt me but that doesn't mean I had no fault in the situation as well. I went against God's wishes so of course there are going to be repercussions, and I need to deal with the consequences.

Besides, getting mad will not help anyone. So I might as well just stop and move on right?

Day 52: Thursday

Just this Thursday, the University's School of Education had its incorporation rites and the Education students had to dress up for the event. Well, it wasn't a formal event, but I had to wear a skirt - and it's the second time that I've worn a skirt to school.

To be honest, it wasn't that spectacular or anything. It was an event that formally inducted us into the SED family, and for the most part, we all had fun. And I just thank God for constantly affirming me that I am in the right course. That night just got me thinking that even though there's not a lot of money in teaching, the financial returns really isn't something that concerns me - I mean, I know that when the time comes, God will provide. In a way, it was fun as well - it was a gathering of people who are ready and happy to serve.

Thank You Lord for putting me this desire to teach and to make a difference.

Day 53: Friday

Yesterday was the birthday of one of my closest friends in college. Somehow though, we weren't able to have a big celebration for her. I mean, we gave her cards and greetings and stuff, but somehow it didn't feel like we made her feel more appreciated on her special day. I do hope though that we made her feel loved enough yesterday.

It was actually a pretty good day yesterday. Went to all my classes, and especially enjoyed the discussion we had for Developmental Psychology yesterday. Topic? Birth Order. And so yesterday, I just realized that I really don't fit the characteristics of the last-born. Interestingly, I fit in on the first-born category more. Or maybe I just really dislike being the youngest in the family? Goodness, I really don't know. :))

After class, I went straight to church for band rehearsals. So, we have more guest band members than actual band 3 members and for what seemed like the first time ever, there were more boys than girls in the band room yesterday. :)) I also had to lead the band devotionals last night, and because Jonah 4 had a huge impact on me, it's the passage that I decided to share last night. I usually get nervous for it, but yesterday, I was just really excited to share what God has been telling me. :)

Speaking of Jonah 4:4, just before I led devos last night, Strong stopped by with Matt at the band room. I've said before that we're trying to be civil with each other right? Well lately, it just feels like I'm the one that's just trying to be polite and civil with him. What I realized last night, when neither of us said hi or whatever, that I can try being polite and civil all I want. But in the end, I'm just going to get frustrated. Ang bastos lang kasi. Babatiin mo tapos wala. I mean, I'm making an effort here. But eh. I resolved with myself last night that if he really doesn't want to, then I'll be fine with it. I mean, I'm through with making a fool out of myself.

And I just thank God for the speaking to me last Wednesday and preparing me for that unexpected encounter with Strong last night. It would have been really easy to get mad and bothered last night, but somehow, I just felt like I'm getting used to it already. :)

Lala. Keep calm and keri lang. My God is in control, He is with me. And that's enough for me.

Day 50: Thank God I'm a Woman

"I cared for you in the desert in the land of burning heat. When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me." --Hosea 13:5-6

Sometimes I think, being a woman is really tough. Every month from the moment we hit puberty, our hormones go on on this roller coaster ride that only our biological chemistry understands. Guys think that it's tough on them - especially those in relationships - to live with or relate to women when they are having their monthly. Well, however difficult it maybe for them, it's still nothing compared to the physical, emotional, and intellectual fatigue that we have to go through for that one week in each month. Sometimes, I even think that our emotions are let lose on that particular time that our minds and bodies are both struggling to keep up with it. 

It's tough to be a woman. But it's tougher to be a woman without God.

I personally think that without God by my side, I'd be crazy by now. The fact that women haven't tried to kill themselves because of the hormonal ride they get every month, I think, is a manifestation of God's grace. Which is why I thought Hosea 13:5-6 to be quite interesting. Taking it as it is, and setting aside for a moment that this is a passage from the Bible, the two verses sound like it's coming from a woman. To be more specific, it sounds like an embittered woman who have been set aside and forgotten after the efforts she placed on something or on someone. 

Looking at it at a human and mortal perspective, it seems like God is complaining - to be more direct, in Filipino parang nanunumbat ang Diyos. And if there was one thing I learned the earlier this year: huwag na huwag kang manunumbat sa mga taong hindi naman nangailangan ng tulong, regalo, o pagmamahal mo. It may seem off to us, but to God, it's totally fair and just. Why? Well, for one thing, He is our God, and as God, He has done so many things for our benefit. But sometimes, we get so blinded by our pride that we fail to see things in God's point of view. For another, God is a perfect and holy God. His understanding knows no bounds, and is a generous God. He gives in the context of what He knows is good for us, not what limitations deem best for us. And as we saw continuously since the beginning of time, God has been generous and faithful to His people. It was His people that continuously sinned against Him.

Kaya patawarin natin si God kung nagtatampo siya at may karapatan naman siya.

So how does this relate to this post's title? 

Well, it's mostly because I thought it was witty. But also because for those two verses, I imagined God to be a woman - but yes, I am perfectly aware that God is a spirit and therefore, does not really have a gender. And in some way, I imagined myself saying it - or at least, felt that I might say it in the future, when, God willing, I have a family or something. I know that at least for that moment, God certainly understands how women feel on a monthly basis - whether it be because of the monster that is our hormones, or a contextual something. That is, to feel insignificant, unappreciated, hurt. 

I thank God for His understanding. I thank God that despite the difficulties that came with being a woman, I am one. I thank God for the countless benefits that comes with being a woman - bringing a child into the world, nurturing a child like a mother would, loving a child like he/she is the only one that matters. 

Lord, I don't really know the point of this post. Ahe. But what I know is, before writing this, I wasn't feeling well - I mean, I haven't been feeling good lately. It's probably because I let myself get distracted by so many things and seek for other things when my security should lie with You. Lord, You know how emotionally tired I already am by everything that has been happening and how I'm afraid my emotions are making me think irrationally. Lord, I know that You are in control and I know that in Your perfect time, I'll truly be alright. I know that my emotions are super wonky right now, but I thank You for them anyway because they came from You - and You are the source of all good. Lord, help me please to glorify You. Help me to just focus on You and on my relationship with You. I wish to grow deeper in love with You. In Your Name I pray, Amen.

warning: this post was written by a highly emotional girl who is on her period.

Day 49: A Humbling Experience

Sometimes, I really need to start walking my talk.

Today, I found out that I've offended another person with the things that I've said. Admittedly, I am tactless and part of the problem with being tactless is not realizing that the words I let go would cause another person harm. It's a lesson learned, I guess - not to broadcast my feelings to the rest of the world. Especially if they're not edifying, I should really just learn how to stop and control myself. It's what I've been telling my other friend, but apparently, I need to it myself too. 

I don't know, I guess, I'm just more expressive of the things that I feel - rather, I'm more vocal about it. 

Protective or not, it's no longer my business - plus, I really don't have any right anyway. I've no position over them. Kaibigan lang ako. And I'm fine with that. I should not nor do I want to impose my will on them anymore because, reality check Alyssa, you are not God. One thing I have to prepare myself for though is the possibility, and maybe inevitability too, that if or when they do end up together, I might spend less time with my friend. And that I might lose her to the both of them - seeing as how the guy is close friends with the ex, and how ex and I can't really hang out together. I don't ever want it to reach the point where she'll feel the pressure or that the need to choose - because I am not that kind of friend. 

Kung darating man sa puntong iyon, mas mabuti nang ako na iyong bibitiw.

Man, I'm really not trying or intending to sound dramatic or whatever - but I think that's how it's ending up to be. ._. Dear AP, I love you and I only want the best for you. But I think, for the sake of our friendship, I will back off from this thing that you have with him. I will only speak when you ask my opinion. For now, I will just commit to being as objective as possible about the entire matter, and keeping quiet unless spoken to about it.

Lord, thank you for this lesson that You've taught me. I know that I can be extremely opinionated, intense, and tactless. Father, I apologize for the way that I've acted and for the things that I've said. I apologize for imposing on something that is not my concern, and for putting my will above Yours. I'm sorry for this seemingly excessive pride that I have. I realize that the reason for my actions is that the issues that I have are still quite fresh. I have issues that I need to fix, and I shouldn't be poking my nose where it doesn't belong. Lord, help me to be more humble, help me to mind my own business. Lastly Lord, I pray that you will teach me to be less judgmental and give people the benefit of the doubt. All these things in Your Holy Name I pray,

Amen.