Time to Grow Up

It’s time people stop pointing fingers and accusing God of abandoning us when things go horribly wrong. Wake up people, it’s not His fault that innocent lives were lost 3 days ago. God didn’t do that, a person did. A person has free will because God gave him free will - and it is because of the misuse of that freedom why 27 people are dead in one morning.

This is not God turning a blind eye or punishing us. This is the consequence of our own actions. We worry about offending other people so we remove religious paraphernalia and we refuse to have our children be guided morally, theologically, because “hey, I don’t think it’s nice to shove my beliefs down other peoples’ throats”. And yeah, it’s not. But teaching children how to be morally upright human beings should hardly be a problem? I think the biggest problem is that it’s not stressed enough. That’s why teachers like Victoria Soto have to stand in front of a shooter and die protecting her students. 

God didn’t abandon us - we abandoned Him. We were more concerned about what other people thought of us than how God sees us. We have no right to question God. He doesn’t make mistakes, letting that Lanza boy shoot all those people wasn’t God’s mistake. 

Our decisions, our actions, our responsibilities. He is sovereign, but he is not a puppeteer that controls our every action. He is our creator not a destroyer. It is ignorant to think that the God who sent His son to die for a world full of murderers, liars, adulterers, thieves, bullies, pedophiles, greedy, proud, envious, treacherous people and be the same God who willed for these people to be killed. 

People kill people.

It’s time we take full responsibility for our sins and stop blaming God for everything. A God as loving, merciful, and just as He is, is not a God who will personally move someone to murder children and adults in cold blood. So before we accuse God of being unfair and questioning His power, maybe we should first spend the time to get to know Him.

That Vicious Cycle Of

Then Jehoahaz sought the favor of the Lord, and the Lord listened to him, for he saw the oppression of Israel, how the king of Syria oppressed them. (Therefore the Lord gave Israel a savior, so that they escaped from the hand of the Syrians, and the people of Israel lived in their homes as formerly. Neverthelss, they did not depart from the sins of the house of Jeroboam, which he made Israel to sin, but walked in them;) - 2 Kings 13: 4-6

It's been a while.

A lot has happened in my life - some ups and some downs. But mostly... Mostly, I've had a lot of plateaus. Just plateaus or things that I consider to be a part of my life, something that happened but hasn't really left a mark. I don't know, maybe I'm just looking for trouble again; something, anything to make my life interesting again. And it wasn't until now (and this isn't just a figure of speech; I mean it literally) that I figured that the reason why I'm probably so mleh about everything is because I haven't been delighting in God.

I wasn't seeking Him, I barely talked to Him, and yet somehow - I'm continually blessed. I've been so out of touch that I know I probably missed out on a lot from what He really wants to tell me. And the thing is, this discontentment has been mutating, and brewing into something nasty. I've been judgmental (and boy was I judgmental - just the commute home!), I've been envious, and secretly irritable at people who have done nothing wrong against me. 

When I was younger, I used to believe that whenever I was misbehaving or doing something wrong that the enemy possess me - that I had no control over my actions. Having grown up and knowing better, after acknowledging the fact that I misbehave because I chose to misbehave, now I'm just crippled by guilt. I have free will, I knew what I was doing. I just had to man up and be responsible for it. So I try to change - whatever it is that I had done wrong, and try harder to love God with my entire being, and love my neighbor as myself. Until something else happens that places me in a stagnant status with my relationship with God. Simply put, "until I mess up again".

This shouldn't be the case. But let's be honest, the opposite of it hardly happens consistently or even at all. Israel (or God's chosen nation) wasn't fairing any better. At a time when most of their kings reigned for an average of 10 years, and they had to seek God's favor after failing miserably. 

We fail, we ask for forgiveness, and we start the cycle of doing what we're told not to. It's a vicious cycle and it's easy to say that people aren't as sharp as we give them credit for. It's easy to bully the Israelites - how they basically never appreciated anything. But we have to stop and consider that we are just like them. We mess up - oftentimes in more massive ways that the Israelites ever did. Yet God still loves and forgives us in the most beautiful way. 

A lot of the times, I forget about grace. To be more specific, I forget about how grace works. 

But regardless of how many times we mess things up one thing's for certain: It is grace that saves - not by anything else. Our commitment lies in messing up less and less - until our faults have been dealt with - and in ensuring that we back up our words with our actions. 

Obeying God is one of the wonderful ways we can show our love and faith in Him.

For Good

Gosh, it's practically been two months since I last updated. But anyway, I just wanted to share something again.

I saw something on my Facebook news feed yesterday, and I guess it was a little more than challenging to wrap my head around it. I don't know. I suppose I'm really not supposed to be surprised about it. But it's something that's definitely will be difficult for me to get used to. It's just that, even when I've moved on and at peace with what God has done in my life, seeing that Mr. Ex is in a relationship with a new girl is, I don't know, something similar to showering with cold water?

I know for a fact that the love that I have for him now is that of love for a brother in Christ. Still. To be honest, it was a bitter pill to swallow - and I've told God this, that I think it's a pride thing. After all, I broke up with him and he ends up being in a relationship sooner than me. I think my competitive side just wanted to come out. Like what I told my best-friend, even though I know that God has intended someone else for me I just wanted us to be in the same "level" in a way that I was good with settling with just having suitors. Heh.

Then I remember what I told my discipler around 2 weeks ago: God doesn't destroy our dreams. Instead of seeing him as a destroyer, we should see him as a safe-keeper. Because He doesn't ruin our dreams or desires just to spite us. He refines them, and keeps them safe, until the time is perfect and God sees that we're ready for it. 

Being in a relationship isn't something that should be rushed. What's more is that it's something that shouldn't be pursued in order to get ahead of someone, or treat is as a competition. If and when a person enters a relationship, they should do it first because they love God and that they want to glorify Him through their relationship, and second because they are honest to goodness, sincerely, hopelessly, and madly in love with each other - and that nothing will and should separate them.

As if that little nugget wasn't enough, lyrics from Wicked's For Good popped into my head as well, these lines especially: 

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And if we help them in return

So he came into my life, and God knows I've learned lots from the whole mess of things. And I praise God that the way that I see this part of my life now has completely changed. Because even when we did end up hurting each other, I know that I grew both as a person and in my relationship with God.

And that's all that really matters. 

Best Birthday Yet

photo (c) of Teacher Syl, my Cooperating Teacher or CT. :)

Thank You Lord for blessing me with such a great birthday. Thank You for blessing me with a family that loves, friends who are willing to make the extra effort to celebrate my birthday with me and make it memorable. And finally God, I thank You for my students and the staff at LEAP. Thank You that I felt Your love through them - that though I’ve only been there for a little less than a month, they’ve done so much for me today. Ibang klase ka talaga magmahal, God. I love you, dear God. I lift all of these things in Your son’s precious name, Amen.

During Meeting Time

Teacher: Friends, when teacher is saying something you listen. If you want to say something, wait until teacher has finished talking, ok?
Everyone: Ok
Student 1: If we want to say something we say excuse me.
Teacher: That's right, we can do that too. (Talks about something)
Student 2: Excuse me!
Teacher: Yes darling?
Student 2: Chasminawadin. (Jasmine, Aladdin). :)

This was legit ok? :)) They are the most adorable kids in the world. :)

A Father's Influence

(Contains Legend of Korra spoilers. You have been warned.)

So I watched and then rewatched the season finale of Legend of Korra. While there were a lot of great scenes (Mike and Bryan both did a really great job with the finale), I feel as though the Tarrlok and Noatok’s story arc affected me the most.

I used to dislike Tarrlok a lot, especially since his ambition got the best of him. But that story of him and his brother and the tremendous influence that their dad had on them was his redemption. Of course, it doesn’t excuse his actions and what he did to Korra but it explains a lot.

“Fathers do not exasperate your children. Instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” — Ephesians 6:4

Okay, I realize I’m probably taking this a little too seriously (especially since it is just a cartoon). But I can’t help but dwell on how big an influence a father has on his kids. If a dad does a really poor job and even merits the title of being the worst dad in the world, it really messes a person up. Young dads (if you are reading this), if you think that whatever you do won’t have any bearing on the lives of your children, think again. God gave you the role of not only a father in the family but a leader as well. So whatever you do, your kids do as well. And whatever screwed up thing you do, it will hurt, wound, and scar your children. 

Your actions WILL leave a mark.

Yakone had the opportunity to start over, to do well as a father. But his pride and his desire for vengeance stood in the way of that. He raised wounded soldiers instead of sons. Of course, this is not to excuse what Tarrlok and Amon proceeded to do with their lives when they grew up. You always have a choice to do what’s right. While your circumstances and your childhood may have a bearing, they should not make you who you are.

You may have no control over the family life that you’ve had - if it was truly horrible - but we can take control of our actions. We CAN choose doing what is right over doing what is wrong.

Besides, our relationship with God is reflective of our relationship with our own dads. In the same way that how we see our own dads can become a hindrance in our relationship with God and our perception of Him.

That’s right dads, you have a huge responsibility resting on your shoulders.

And that concludes what I wanted to say about Korra. Heh.

Ate Alyssa

I'm gonna have to start getting used to being called that by the younger kids. Ha. Today marks my first day as a ygroup leader. I have to say, it is one of the best things that God has allowed me to do.

I hope I wasn't the only one that felt anxious and scared when asked to lead a group of adolescent girls (boys for others) starting this year. So I was, but after this morning, the excitement overpowered the fear. 4 ygroup leaders, 19 incoming HS freshmen: 12 boys, 7 girls - my 7 girls. Of course, I'm still going to think that at some point I'm going to say something wrong and inevitably ruin a child's life. But, I'm learning to just leave that part up to God. I pray that I would be a clear enough tool to convey His message. 

Hee. I just can't believe that God has blessed me so much; and I'm just so thankful. I'm thankful to the One who saved me - in more ways that just the cross. Knowing and remembering everything that He's done and have continued to do in my life, I can do nothing but give Him all the praise.

Dear God,

Thank You for being a wise, loving, and generous God. Thank You because all things work through You. Lord, I just can't help but remember what You told us - ask and we shall receive. If it was Your will - if it was compatible with Your will - You wouldn't deny us the desire of our hearts. So I asked Lord, and You gave it to me in Your perfect time. I am just grateful, and so filled by the desire to serve You. Thank You God for the 7 girls that compose my ygroup. I've only gotten to know most of them today, but God I am excited to know each of them more. With Your guidance, I pray that I would be able to minister to them well.

Father, I am ecstatic about this new part in my life and I just pray God that I refrain from anything that would mess it all up. Lord, I just thank You for the opportunity as well as the privilege that You've given for me to serve You. I pray God that as I become this leader that You want me to be, that my relationship with You will only grow stronger. I pray for each one of my girls, I ask that they will all learn to enjoy spending time with You - something that You still continue to teach me. I pray for their relationship with You, and I pray that You would just provide them with the desire to obey You, follow the same path as You did and be righteous alongside You.

You have blessed me so much through this Lord, and I just can't thank You enough. 

I love You, God.

In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Apology to my parents

Because I've already given them the handwritten version of this letter, I think that it is safe to post the soft copy of it here. It is my prayer that whoever reads this - someone who maybe going through what I did - will reflect on his/her actions and come clean to his/her parents. I pray that my letter will be able to minister to you.

To Ma and Pa

Hi. 

I know it must be weird that I'm writing to you when there's no special holiday or celebration, but I do have a reason for this. There are two things that I want you to know through this letter. This is the first one.

Mama, do you remember the time from almost 15 months ago that you caught me crying? Pa, it was the same day that you asked me about my eyes, if I slept or not. I wasn't completely honest with the both of you at that time. I was crying and I couldn't sleep well that night because of one thing: that was when Strong and I broke up. He wasn't just a suitor, we were together as a couple for three months even when you told me that neither of you approved of it. I want you to know that it wasn't an act of rebellion or that I did it out of anger towards you. My pride led me to believe that sooner or later, your perception of him would change. I now realize how wrong I was, and that Ma, you were right all along. 

From the very beginning, a lot of people from the Youth - people who knew me and who knew him - have already warned me against him. And I know that you told me to not even consider him as a prospect anymore after briefly meeting him for the first time. I'm sorry too, that I thought you were being judgmental, that you couldn't even give him a chance back then, but I realize how right you both were. 

I'm so sorry for entering a relationship with him even when you both told me not to, when people from the Youth told me to be careful, when God told me to obey the both of you. It was hard to resist, especially when we spent a lot of time together back then. And that was what we did, we spent a lot of time together na kami lang. I'm still a virgin, but I'm not as pure as I was before. I'm so sorry. The reason why we broke up was, at least on my part, I couldn't handle lying and disobeying the both of you and God anymore. So while I was hurting the next several months after that, I knew that I did the right thing.

I've moved on now, and I've been more vigilant in protecting my heart - especially since I committed on working with my relationship with God this year. So bawal ang guys ngayon.

This year's camp has been a good reminder of what I've been through, of the mistakes that I've committed, and it also convicted me to be honest with you about everything. Camp and another thing pushed me to be honest with you, and it's the second thing that I want you both to know.

By God's grace, I have been asked to lead a ygroup starting on June 10. While it's something that I wanted to do to be able to serve God more, I didn't think that I would do it this year. So I talked to God about it, and He just told me not to worry, that He's got everything under control. It just seemed like this is God's way of blessing me for obeying Him and granting the desire of my heart to serve Him. I accepted the offer, and starting on the 10th, I'll be a ygroup leader. Ma, Pa, this is a great opportunity that God blessed me with, and I really hope that I have both of your support. This means that I'll have to go to church earlier so I can attend the 8:30 service and then teach at 10:30. I don't want to bother either of you, so during Sundays, I'll commute going to Ortigas na lang.

So in part of wanting to be honest and the conviction that I had after camp, I wanted to tell you about this because I want to be a good example to the girls that I will be teaching and mentoring. I want to be a good witness and live a good testimony for God. I really hope that you both understand the foolishness that I did last year, and I'm really sorry for going behind your backs and disobeying you both.

I love you both.

Alyssa.

Failing to Expect the Unexpected

You know how in certain events - maybe in concerts or school plays or maybe even fire drills - the people in charge always tells you: “Expect the unexpected” or “Anticipate the worse and prepare for it”. But you’re not really paying much attention so you take it lightly - you pass it off as trying to stay as alert as possible. You know it, but you don’t really believe that it would happen.

The same thing sort of happened to me this evening. 

Now, I haven’t seen Mr. Ex for almost 5 months now, and I’ve gotten really used to it; comfortable even. Of course, at the back of my mind I knew that it wasn’t going to always be like that, that he’s going to show up eventually. Well, if it weren’t for my being at Fontana on that day, we would have definitely seen each other 2 weeks ago. That I arrived in Ortigas at around 9pm on that day was something of a blessing from God. He knew, without a doubt, that I wasn’t ready to face him (even if I have moved on). 

So when I saw him this evening, I felt as though the wind got knocked out of my lungs (Actually, I don’t know how to describe it. It was generally a weird feeling that settled over me, over my chest). Though, the urge to go to him, run to him, or anything that would make me be close to him was never there. Mostly, I was just thinking, This is so weird. It’s like seeing a ghost from my past. And for the most part, he is - he is my version of ghost of Christmas past. 

Shameful as it sounds, I wanted to run away and hide when I saw him. I was afraid of just encountering him, because you know what, seeing your ex is always going to be weird and awkward (that high 5 in the hallway? Awkward). What’s even more shameful, I actually thought that God didn’t prepare me for it; na parang: O iyan, you’re both in the same place. Deal with it.

But He prepared me, He continued to be faithful while I took His word lightly thinking that I was over that chapter in my life. Throughout the week, God revealed to me, reminded me to just keep on trusting in Him - no matter the circumstance. He reminded me that how we respond to certain situations in our lives will differentiate us. I mean, He set us apart for a reason. At first I was confused because I just kept on thinking, Yeah Lord, I know. I know how to cling onto You when certain things arise.

And to think that I wanted to hide like David did in his Psalms. Despite knowing that I can rely on God, for the first half of the service this evening, I actually failed to remember that I should rely and trust in God. When I skimmed through my devos in my head, and realized that God was preparing me since the week started, I read the passage for today. It was from Psalms 56, verses 3-4 really struck me. It says, 

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I TRUST; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?”

Then I started to be okay after that, I tried to process what was happening and talked to God about it then and there. And I am just thankful that He is such a sovereign God, and I know that it has been said so many times before. Pero sobrang iba talaga ‘pag na-experience mo na hindi ka talaga pababayaan ni God. He knows full well what I can and cannot handle. (And excuse me to be a bit of a nerd here, but God is just the perfect teacher. We have this term called Zone of Proximal Development in CDE. It’s the stage where children do certain tasks that need the guidance or assistance of a mature adult. This week, and especially tonight, I felt God guiding me through everything.)

So the point is, while seeing him today made me lose my footing a little, God was there to assist me in regaining my balance once again. 

I am just in awe of our God. He is universal and personal at the same time; and when you personally experience His love for you, grabe lang ang kilig. He is indeed, worthy of all glory and praise.

Running Reflection

Some people say that when they run, it's like they completely forget everything and leave behind - their problems, their burdens. They focus on running, as though the physical aspect of it, makes up for what they can't figuratively do; to escape and run away from their issues and problems. And I get that, I understand it. For some people, running may be the only time they have for themselves.

I have no idea what happened, but I sort of managed to think about what happened last year and reflected on them.

I've whined about it enough to realize that while I was at that point in my life, I didn't appreciate the way that God was moving and shaping my life. All I thought of back then was how unfair everything seemed - how unfair God had seemed. All I could think about was how much I was hurting, how I thought that I could not possibly handle all of it. I thought that I probably was going to be bitter for a very long time.

The entire situation was a test of faith, when I know that I couldn't hold onto anything temporal, God was the only one who I could turn to. Grace is a gift, and faith even more so. And I guess, I just realized that if God was able to handle death on the cross for our sins, then He can do anything else. All these I-centered thoughts that I had were a waste of time. I realized, I should have spent more time thinking about Him and what He can do to me that what I can do to save myself.

Because no matter what people say (especially the feminists), we just cannot be our own Saviors. We can try, but I think we'll just end up frustrating ourselves more.

So yes, the entire drama from last year made me go through some tough refining, but at the end of it, you just come out stronger. And I'd like to think that I grew so much because of it. I actually think that it's funny how that event in my life turned out to be something that I would be grateful to have. :)

I just feel like the 5-day holiday has gotten a bit much. I need a reprieve... from my own family. I need time alone again.

Does that make me a horrible person?

Scapegoat

“The goat will carry on itself all their sins to a solitary place; and the man shall release it in the desert.” – Leviticus 16:22 

Imagine taking the blame and being accountable for something that you didn't do. Now imagine that, plus the possibility that after having the weight of people’s sins on your shoulders, the consequence for them is absolute banishment. You are no longer allowed to be with your family, not allowed to be with your friends, you have no food, no clothes besides the ones on your back, and no one to be with you. You are, essentially, used for the protection, the safety, and the salvation of everybody else. 

Hard to swallow, isn't it? 

As humans, we are wired to be egoistic – in the sense that, self-preservation comes very naturally to us. We would never intentionally put ourselves in harm’s way, not if we can help it. So while imagining all of those won’t be hard, doing and agreeing to all of them will be quite a feat. After all, saving others at the risk of your own life requires a lot of bravery. 

But what if someone already took the blame for us? What if I told you that because of Him, we dodged a really huge bullet? 

We all know the verse, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life”. From high up in His throne, God knew and saw every little screw ups that we had done, are doing, and will be doing. It displeases Him because all He ever wants from us for us to be with Him, to commune with Him, and to have fellowship with Him. And sin is like the Great Wall of China – it’s a massive obstacle to get to the other side. God saw all of these and knew that the only way that we will ever be righteous in His eyes is if the ultimate sacrifice was made. God knew that all of the world’s sins – past, present, and future – required something more than burnt, sin, and guilt sacrifices. He knew what had to be done. 

Now, I can’t say what God must have felt when the only way for all of us to be forgiven is if His Son was to die. But if it were me, I would be devastated. But He did it because He loves us, tremendously. We were disgusting and filthy in His eyes, but the blood of Jesus cleansed us. He was the ultimate sacrifice. 

He was the scapegoat. 

It’s something that a lot of us have heard so many times, have grown numb and accustomed to this fact because we have heard it so many times. But unless we have an intimate relationship with God, this fact still won’t make any sense to us. 

His perfection covered all of our imperfections. We are insignificant and undeserving, but we are precious in His sight – He wanted to take protect us, and to take care of us. So thank You, Lord. Thank You for choosing to love us, for remaining faithful, and for saving us from ourselves. Thank You for being our scapegoat.

Writing Prompt - Til Death Do Us Part

I’m going to kill him.

That’s what she thinks; plainly, simply. It’s what comes into her mind the moment she smells a scent (a woman’s perfume) on his shirt, and sees red lipstick on his collar - it’s faded and smudged, but it’s there. She’s going to kill him, and then quite possibly hunt the woman down and kill her as well.

But damn if she’s not going to look fabulous while doing it.

And so she goes to their room, grabs and puts on this warm fuchsia toned dress she bought for their wedding anniversary (a few weeks ago; very romantic evening which now seems like a lie). She liked the irony of it - of wearing what was once a celebration of love to the now extremely manipulated and forced culmination of her husband's life.

Well, ex-husband by the end of the night.

The thing is, she had already let slide the first few times that she caught him cheating - they talked about it, had counseling, spent more time with each other. She put in the effort, and for a while it seemed like he was back to falling in love with her all over again. Boy was she wrong. And boy how much he screwed her over; breaking her trust time and time again. This time though, this time it’ll be different. There won’t be any more chances to waste. This time, she takes matters into her own hands.

So she puts on her favorite black pumps, dolls herself up with make-up, and the right accessories. Sprayed on her perfume and some hairspray, and grabs an ax on her way out; the same kind of ax he uses to chop up wood for their fireplace. She grabs her keys, turns on the ignition, and speeds her way to his office.

He’s going to get it, she calmly thought as though she wasn’t planning and eventually about to implement the demise of her husband. This time, he’ll really get it. And that good for nothing woman will go next.

It was a cold fierceness that settled over her. He screwed her over, and now she’s simply returning the favor.

She vaguely remembers their wedding vows. But she knows, remembers, that the end goes something like 'til death do us part'. And she thought that maybe it might a good idea to take that vow literally, and to giver herself the honor of personally killing him. 

'Til do us part, darling. Through your death we shall part.

This Thing Called Integrity

When a leader sins unintentionally and does what is forbidden in any of the commands of the Lord his God, he is guilty. - Lev. 4:22 

If we're already held accountable for our unintentional actions, what more if we committed certain acts with our full knowledge? Unintentional sins are just as grave. Because even if they weren't done on purpose, at some point you realize that whatever the deed was, it was wrong. I'm not saying I'm perfect and that I got this living an integral life in the bag - because I'm not. Just as any other human being in this planet, I mess up. But it's something that we need to realize - Christianity doesn't give us the right to say one thing and act another. Christianity is striving to be like Jesus, that despite our imperfect ways, we continue to strive in order to live like He did. 

So ignorance should never be an excuse. We'll know, when we've done something wrong - when we say something during a heated argument, when we tactlessly tease someone, when we become inconsiderate jerks. Of course, there is something else to be said about people who end up ignoring the warnings instead. Because then they are fully aware of what they are doing, then it's just a rebellion. Besides, if a person already knows that what he or she is doing is wrong but persists with the disobedience anyway, eventually the guilt will eat them up.

Integrity. 

It's not just about being the same kind of person at home, in school, or in Church. It's about standing firm in your convictions - that your actions do not contradict your words. 

Back From the Dead

And I practically was, you know, dead.

Of course, not literally. And of course, this is with a wee bit exaggeration. The gist is, school ate me up and eventually spat me back out. Yeah. It was that kind of relationship with my education this passed semester.

Anyway, I've only got a week and a half left before summer classes start. At first I was kind of peeved at the short break that we're given before we go back to working, but now that I think about it... I think it's better? 'Cause as much as I enjoy bumming around the house, I don't think I'll be able to do it for 2 months. Although, I don't understand why they had to extend summer classes up until the 25th of May though. Plus all these emails and advisories from the school that just makes me feel panicky because I feel like I've done something wrong. Man. I just hope that I'll still be able to go to camp this year.

Spiritually, I've been feeling kind of dry in that area - which can only be my fault since I haven't really been putting in the effort - and I can't help but feel like such a freak and that something's wrong with me. (Which, come to think of it, may not exactly be far from the truth) Actually, I've felt dry ever since things got super hectic with school. I remember hastily committing to Band 3 in Feb that when the time we actually had to lead, I just wanted to go home, rest, and shut everyone out of my world. I guess, I've been noticing that my anti-social side has been getting real spoiled lately. 

I need to take part in the world of the living. Again.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll be heading off to Karen's place with a bunch of other girls for a 'Girls' Day In' and to be honest, I'm excited. I know that I'm not supposed to rely on anyone else besides God for these things, but I hope that being with the girls help me with my relationship with God. 

I wish I would stop treating it as an obligation and just genuinely enjoy experiencing God and sink myself deeper into His Word. 

Oh Lord, I'm sorry I feel this way.

Unofficially Yours

That's what the both of you are. See, I don't understand. If you're both doing what official couples do, and if your family's allegedly fine with having him around all the time, what's stopping you? It can't be how people will perceive your relationship because a) obviously, that doesn't bother you now as much as it did before and b) no matter how few, I'm certain you value the opinion of those who you feel support what you two have. 

I just hope you don't let your feelings get in the way of your rationality. 

So Many Things

I've got so many things to say, so many things that I've done, and so many things that have happened to me since the last time I posted here - which was almost a month ago.

I guess, because January started with a bit of drama, things after that were a bit of a roller coaster ride. It was just a couple of weeks ago that things are starting to be normal and steady again. So many things to be thankful for, so many days that God consistently made His love for me truly felt. And because I don't want this post to be as long as a novel, I'll just make a compressed-summary-and-bullet-points-rundown of events.

1. Relationship with my brother - This is appropriately at the top of the things that I'm grateful for. My brother and I technically never had a bad relationship - I actually think that he's the one who understands me most at home. It was never bed, but I'm still thankful that our relationship grew over the past month. The thing is, at least in our family, we're not used to talking about really personal stuff with each other. So the fact that my brother confides in me about his life is something I find that I actually enjoy hearing. That and we're making baby steps towards the right direction, I think. We even give each other awkward hugs now. Ehe.

2. Band 3's week - The weeks before we were supposed to be leading worship, I was actually debating whether I should join the band for that time. I was feeling particularly hormonal and I felt that my heart wasn't really ready. I felt that I was going through this unwanted emotional turmoil and leading worship on my part would have just been a way for me to escape these turmoils. But God was so gracious that the week before we were supposed to lead, He gave me the peace and the reassurance that I needed. He also gave me the courage to accept responsibilities that I otherwise would have shied away from. [Side note, but something I'm equally grateful for, my childhood crush played drums for our band and all of a sudden, I felt like the cliched school girl that turns red at the sight of her crush]

3. Revelations - In one sentence: I am thankful that despite having read the same passages that I have before, I'm still learning more about God. I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit and for the realizations that it has helped me come up with. Affirming realizations. Just as what Pastor BJ used to tell us, we can only really pinpoint God's faithfulness in our lives in hindsight, and looking back at all the things that I've had to go through, it's the only time that I can truly say how faithful, gracious, and good God really is.

4. Being in CDE - Every time I go to class, I am affirmed that it's the path that God wants me to be in. And to think I didn't even want to be in UA&P in the first place. I thank God for placing me here, for making it clear for me that this is what I should be doing, how I can best serve Him.

There ends my list. I'll add another one at the end of this week - depending on how it goes. :)) P&F, here we go!

Things To Do With Future Boyfriend

I was going through my dashboard, and you know how people post pretty pictures of couples and the things that they do? Well, that inspired me to create a list of the things that I really want to do with the boyfriend that God will bless me with.

List of Things to do with Future Boyfriend:

1. Share our devos with each other after we’ve fasted from each other for a week. Hm. I think this should be self-explanatory. No? Well, I think it’ll help the relationship if we give up a week our time with each other and just spend that time with God. After all, He should be the center of all our relationships anyway.

2. Go to Enchanted Kingdom together. As cheesy and cliched as it sounds, it’s one of the things that I would really want to experience. I mean, I’ve been there before, of course. I suppose the idea was reinforced when there are couples who go on amusement park dates present in every Korean drama. It’s just that their amusement parks are so much nicer and cooler.

3. Have a turista tour of Manila. Of my almost 21 years of existence, I am sad to say that I haven’t really seen the “must see” sights in Manila. I’ve been on field trips but they are limited to the National Art Gallery and Intramuros. (Besides, field trips are stressful and tiring because you’re constricted by time.) I’d love to go to Luneta, walk along the Manila Bay boardwalk, and maybe ride the kalesa for a few minutes. Hey. A girl can dream. Haha.

4. Drive aimlessly together. There will be times when I don’t really know where I want to go, but I just feel like going out of the house. So future boyfriend has to be game to take me nowhere in particular. Gas up!

5. Commute from (my) home to anywhere worth commuting to [i.e. MOA, National Library, National Museum, etc.] I think I’ve shared my frustrations on not being allowed to commute by myself? Besides, I believe in that common saying: The journey is more important than the destination. Or something like that.

6. Have brunch at Tagaytay. I remember back in high school, my family and I had to wake up extra early just to have brunch at Antonio’s in Tagaytay (then travel all the way back home to Antipolo). I guess part of the reason why I love that memory so much was because I was with my family, the good food and the ambiance. Pero ayoko naman umuwi agad after eating. :))

7. Go to LaMesa Eco Park. I went there with the rest of my high school batch mates back when I was a sophomore. It was beautiful.

8. Watch all 8 Potter movies with me. See, it doesn’t matter whether you’re a muggle, pureblood or half-blood. As long as you support me in my simple joys. Don’t think that I’m weird, that as a fully grown adult, I continue to watch and support all the cast members of the series. Also, it would be great if you would hand me over a box of tissue when a) Sirius dies, b) Dumbledore dies, c) Dobby dies, d) When Deathly Hallows 2 starts playing.

9. Expect that I’ll frequent the bookstores, so just smile and come with me. I love going to bookstores and looking at book covers and their summaries at the back cover. I’m not always going to end up leaving with a purchase. But come with me, nonetheless? It’s one of the simple things that I enjoy.

Last but certainly not the least…

10. Go to and volunteer at an orphanage or daycare center. As my future boyfriend, you should know what my course is and what it entails. Know that I love children. They will be a huge part of my life. And if I can, I’d spend my free time with them.

So there! Hm, I know it seems really… boring. Haha. But I want to keep it as family-friendly as possible. :))

First Post of the Year!

Just wanted to show a couple of pictures of my family. :)

Ong cousins, 14 years ago with our guakong

Ong cousins, Dec. 30, 2011. We're all grown up now

It gives a bit of a nostalgic feeling. I love our big family. :) Wah. Ang lalaki na natin. Haha. We may be living our own lives now, but I think, I hope, we're still going to be there for each other. 

But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children -- Psalm 103:17

Photos by my cousin, (c) Sabrina See