As a disclaimer, I would just like to say that writing this will be quite a challenge - not because of some emotional struggle (though, of course those would be unavoidable, but they're not the main bulk of it), but because this requires some memory work. I've actually wanted to blog about a lot of things since last Sunday, but laziness and fatigue go the better of me.
Day 61: Y-Groups (Sunday)
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. -- Romans 5:3-4.
Our y-group last Sunday focused on God's grace and the righteousness of man through Christ, and the gifts or blessings that come with being right with God. Verses 3-4 of Romans 5 succinctly states these blessings that God has manifested in my life this year. It's no secret after all, just how challenging this year was to me and how much emotional pain I've gone through in a span of months.
Before this entire mess happened, I never actually thought that God's way of refining and disciplining me would be that painful - and I know it's nothing compared to the things that other people have faced or are still going through. It's not unusual either, for a lot of us to think that we don't deserve to go through such things because 'we haven't done anything wrong' and ask the question 'why do bad things happen to good people?'. Well see, it's a matter of perspective. In our limited, human point of view, we have this lacking notion of what is just, what we deserve, and what is right. We think that just because we're generally good people, we don't deserve to go through pain, experience hardships, or even suffer through the consequences of our actions.
As humans, we seem to be under the impression that we have the liberty to do whatever we want without taking responsibility for our actions.
The fact of the matter is, what we deserve, Christ took the brunt of it for us. We deserve to die, we deserve judgment, yet He was the one who took our places. We don't deserve God's grace, and yet He still gave it to us, redeemed us. So what's a generous amount of challenges that we need to face in God's time? We need to remember that our God is not a malicious God, nor does he take pleasure in our suffering just so He could see us in pain. He's not sadistic. We need to stop seeing trials as an evil, because good is still present in them. Trials are good because they come from God; we mature through them, our characters are further built in them.
Thank You Lord, because You love me so much that You kept me from drowning in my mistake, and that You gave me the strength to overcome them.
Day 62-64: The Strong Factor (Monday-Thursday) [oh hey look, I made a pun :))]
I suppose I should explain the need for the pun? Ahehe. Well, it's as simple as it was the common thread in those three days. See, on Day 62 (which is also the second day of my monthly), friend A was telling this story of the time when she and our other friend (friend B) saw an r-13 movie and the guard wouldn't let friend B in because she didn't look like she was older than 13 - when she was already 19 then. So I asked friend A what movie it was that they saw at that time. Friend A wasn't so sure which one it was, that it was probably Love and Other Drugs. She said that, basta iyong movie na nakasalubong namin kayo ni Strong sa sinehan! (with matching heartfelt pointing of the finger) She said it so enthusiastically that I was actually expecting myself to get upset over it, or at least be affected by it a bit. Instead, I continued eating my lunch and actually felt nothing when she said it. I was more affected by the way that she pointed at me!
And I can only attribute this to God. This is all Him and I can't ever take credit for this because if this happened to me several months ago, I'd probably gotten super affected and/or cried. Which was why on Day 63, I finally realized and truly believed that God has helped me to move on. While there are those days that I would inevitably feel vulnerable and think about him, these instances decreased over the course of the last few months. God has continually helped me to get back on my feet once again, and set me on the path that He wants me to take. It was also on this day that I intentionally made the decision to forgive Strong.
I know that I should have done it earlier, that I should have made that decision and promise earlier. Nevertheless, making that decision gave me this profound peace in my heart; that feeling that my burden has been lifted. I knew, of course, that he wasn't the only one at fault and that I had made my own mistakes as well. Besides, I knew from the start how irrational the decision of starting an illegal relationship with him was.
Joshua Harris' book Boy Meets Girl has helped me come to this decision. On the topic of forgiveness, he included a quote that he got from his father. It said, Forgiveness means that you never use someone's past against them. I know that it's going to be a constant effort, I know that it won't be easy, but should I ever feel tempted to bring up the past against him, I know that I can count on God to keep me from doing so.
So, having reached this conclusion, I found that God has such a tremendous sense of humor. On Day 64, I get an unexpected text from Strong, as I already posted on my previous entry. It was just so bizarre I guess, especially since we haven't spoken to each other in 3 months - not even hi's or hello's. God is just funny sometimes. But I ended up asking Him what that was about - because I seriously could not figure out why it happened a day after I realized that I was doing well. But I surprised myself by handling it better than I thought I would. I thank God that He kept me calm and relatively unaffected by what was happening. Still, I continually asked God to guard my heart and not to get myself too attached with him all over again. Although I am uncertain if what happened on this day was a test from God and I've no idea if I passed the test or not, I'm still thankful that God gave me an opportunity to show that I'm no longer mad at him; that I'd already forgiven him.
Day 65: The Truth (Friday)
This one will be short - actually, I can state the thing that I'm grateful for in a couple of sentences. I am grateful that the Protestant Reformation happened all those centuries ago. I thank God that the reality and the truth of His love for us has been known to us and that our faith in Him is not in vain.
Day 66: An Overflow of Worship (Saturday)
I would like to thank God for Band 3. I would like to thank God for the way that He has provided for our band. It is amazing how from being a "girl band", God has provided us with male singers that balanced out our band. In this way, dividing songs into girl-boy categories actually make sense now. :)) I praise God for Josiah who led worship with us last Saturday for the first time and for Josh Magsombol who led worship with us last Saturday after a very long time.
In addition, God has also provided for us a handful of competent pool of preachers who are passionate about God. Praise God for Theo and the message that he delivered last Saturday.
Day 67: A Friendly Reminder from Ate Chette (Sunday)
It's routine when we have y-groups to ask how each person is doing. So I told Ate Chette my concern about the workload that I have for school now. More importantly though, I told her of the unexpected text that I received last Thursday and again on Saturday evening after worship. I told her how I felt and how I've constantly checked myself if I was doing ok, if I could still handle it. And while I told her that I was actually find about the whole thing, she warned me to still be careful and that it would be better if I just ignore any and all texts coming from him.
I of course knew that this was only logical, because talking to him after only 3 months still puts my emotions at the high risk of getting attached and getting hurt all over again.
I praise God because He never fails to take care of me and to protect me. I know that should I have followed what I wanted, that is to start being friends with him again, it would undoubtedly fail. Neither of us are completely healed and have moved on yet, so starting something again at this point would have been a shame. So while I still love him (thankfully, less each day and more as a brother), I love God more and know that He's the one I need to focus on.
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