If you know me, you know that I really don’t like crying. I think that crying, is a waste of effort, it shows weakness, and it means that there are just some things that I can’t control. I hate crying. I hate the feeling I get that leads to it. But I have to admit that there is an upside to this thing.
Release. Relief. The unburdening feeling I get after I cry.
So, I wasn’t really planning on tearing up today. It was just, I saw a rerun of one of Glee’s episodes (the one where Jean, Sue’s sister, dies) - and it was the part where Sue couldn’t even finish reading her eulogy. The scene where her voice cracks and she started to break down. It was a vulnerable moment - and although I wasn’t going through what she went through, I have to admit that I’m feeling vulnerable right now as well.
Heck. I’m lying on the sofa, crying my eyes out as I type this. I say I’m pretty vulnerable.
In one of our philosophy classes, we learned that your intimacy - your own experiences, pain, joy, etc. - is unique to you. Other people may sympathize, but they can never truly understand and feel the way that you do. Pain is relative - which is why people who go through certain challenges feel alone.
What am I trying to say?
Well, what started out as a stimulus that prompted tears seems to have ended as a means of self-reflection. I know that I am in a vulnerable state. I know that it seems as though all the effort I put to make myself move forward, be productive, and get better had all been for nothing. I mean, I think I’ve beaten myself up for it quite a lot already, and God has been rebuking me in my devotions too. And although I have to learn and start forgiving myself, I’m still feeling shameful and disappointed in myself that I let my guard down.
I wondered what had happened to guarding my heart.
But I know, that deep down in my heart, this will all turn out for the best. Right now, I just keep telling myself that this will be for my benefit as well. It builds character.
“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God.” —Ezekiel 11:19-20
Right now, I just really want to do my best at obeying good - doing and abiding by His will. Because right now, I know that I am in such an ugly place and state in my life - personally, not just with regards to the situation. I was reflecting on myself, and I got scared of what I found. I don’t quite like this person that I’ve become.
I really want to change myself. I really want to be the person that God wants me to be.
There is freedom in obedience, I long for that freedom.
Release. Relief. The unburdening feeling I get after I cry.
So, I wasn’t really planning on tearing up today. It was just, I saw a rerun of one of Glee’s episodes (the one where Jean, Sue’s sister, dies) - and it was the part where Sue couldn’t even finish reading her eulogy. The scene where her voice cracks and she started to break down. It was a vulnerable moment - and although I wasn’t going through what she went through, I have to admit that I’m feeling vulnerable right now as well.
Heck. I’m lying on the sofa, crying my eyes out as I type this. I say I’m pretty vulnerable.
In one of our philosophy classes, we learned that your intimacy - your own experiences, pain, joy, etc. - is unique to you. Other people may sympathize, but they can never truly understand and feel the way that you do. Pain is relative - which is why people who go through certain challenges feel alone.
What am I trying to say?
Well, what started out as a stimulus that prompted tears seems to have ended as a means of self-reflection. I know that I am in a vulnerable state. I know that it seems as though all the effort I put to make myself move forward, be productive, and get better had all been for nothing. I mean, I think I’ve beaten myself up for it quite a lot already, and God has been rebuking me in my devotions too. And although I have to learn and start forgiving myself, I’m still feeling shameful and disappointed in myself that I let my guard down.
I wondered what had happened to guarding my heart.
But I know, that deep down in my heart, this will all turn out for the best. Right now, I just keep telling myself that this will be for my benefit as well. It builds character.
“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God.” —Ezekiel 11:19-20
Right now, I just really want to do my best at obeying good - doing and abiding by His will. Because right now, I know that I am in such an ugly place and state in my life - personally, not just with regards to the situation. I was reflecting on myself, and I got scared of what I found. I don’t quite like this person that I’ve become.
I really want to change myself. I really want to be the person that God wants me to be.
There is freedom in obedience, I long for that freedom.
I never liked crying, too. Crying is for the WEAK, lololol. But I came across an interesting insight about emotions in one of my devos, if you'd allow me to share :)
ReplyDelete"Stewarding emotions has always been a challenge for Christians. Created in the image of God (that's where emotions come from), we often struggle with a proper balance: not letting our emotions run away with us, while making ourselves vulnerable by letting our feelings show.
"The fact is that God delights in our emotions. He deliberately created the right-brained side of each of us, female and male. And He wants us, like Himself, to feel, to express! And yes, at times, to vent. But we as God's stewards are still accountable for how we handle our emotions. God desires that we as His image-bearers exercise self-control — without becoming lifeless and dull."
Pain, sorrow, anger — It's okay to be vulnerable in front of God. He sees and understands every emotion we experience because He experienced them too. "Crying is for the weak"? Well, true, because our strength is not in us but in Him. :)
*HUUUUUG!!*
Ate Les is this you? (Or Karen?)
ReplyDeletehuhuhu thank you for this! >:D<
RIGHT we do have the same surname :)) This is Leslie haha :D
ReplyDelete