All I can say is that, I've been asking God to guard my heart, double time too, since just this Sunday, and I know that the reason why none of the plans that I was supposed to have today worked out was because of Him. Here's the thing, we're friends - but I still get the feeling that this decision would backfire on me. Why? Because I still have feelings for him, so even if we're 'just friends', there's always going to be the risk that I'll get attached to him all over again.
So today, I was supposed to go to school, study, have lunch with a friend, and then go over to Messiah College to sit in on a philosophy class. God's answer to my prayer of guarding my heart - rain. Because it rained, and rained especially hard today, I was forced to stay at home today (after getting the readings for a class). I had to reschedule meeting up with a friend, and my plans of sitting in on a philosophy class remained as they were - plans. Which meant that the problem of seeing him, going to Messiah for possibly the wrong reasons have been solved.
I refuse to be sad about this - rationalizing and over thinking about where he maybe or what he's doing - I just know that my God knows me so well, He knows my heart so well. God knows that we're being too comfortable with our newly reconciled friendship, which entails so many risks - one of which includes getting my hopes up all over again. And I believe that by making me stay at home, He's protecting me from this.
I know that to some, being friends with the very person who's hurt you the most is an impossibility - I mean, I thought that once too - but I know that there's nothing impossible with my God. No glitch, no setbacks are too big for Him. I recognize that this journey isn't over yet, this getting over him thing, but I know that each day, I'm getting there. I pray that each day, I'm loving him less and loving God more; depending on him less and depending on God more.
Lord, You know my heart. You know that I only desire to be Yours, for You to be in control of my life. Father, I know that You are more than capable of protecting my heart, protecting my entire being from getting harmed, and I trust in You, Lord. Thank You, Lord, for knowing me from the inside out, that You give solutions that are specific to our needs, solutions that show just how much You know us. Father, I know that You are all that I would ever need, and that I should never feel incomplete again as long as You are in my life. Father I pray for every other girl out there who's going through the similar situations such as myself, and who are having a far worse time than I am. Lord, I know that You will heal, comfort, and empower them to do the right thing, what is most pleasing to You. I am forever grateful for Your love, Lord. In Your mighty name, Amen.
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