Days 20 -22

I must confess that I haven't spent much time delighting and meditating lately. I know that time really shouldn't be an issue, but school has gotten quite hectic - well, the schedule has gotten hectic - and often times, I immediately collapse on the bed when I get home from my 7:30am-7:30pm class. So here I am now, trying to catch up on blogging and my devos.

Day 20, Saturday:

I really think there's a lot to be thankful for for this day. Band 3 led worship that night and it was great to serve God, it's something that I would always love to do. But it's not just that. He apparently volunteered his services and was one of our sound technicians for the day. Some of my band mates already knew about it since rehearsal last Thursday - I didn't know since I wasn't able to go. It was a surprise for me for course, especially when I felt that I really wasn't ready to be around him just yet. I don't know. But I guess it was God's way of telling me that I'm going to have to get used to having him around after the whole thing and just learn to live with it. Guaranteed, there's going to be awkwardness, but I feel like, unless I try to be even slightly ok about it, I'm always going to feel awkward around him.

And we were. We really were. We'd pass by each other and not say a word, we sat at the same table and not even talked to each other. Although we were civil, it was weird, and the entire time, all I could think of was that it was just too weird. But, I don't know. God has other plans. 

Before service was about to start, he asked if we could talk - and I believe I was good enough to have a conversation with him at that time - and so I agreed. Leading worship was a bit of a challenge that night, because I kept losing my focus on God. And so after the first half of Prayer and Praise night, I asked God to keep my gaze fixed on Him and no one else. 

So we talked after worship, it was weird - for me at least - and I really wanted to be cautious of my feelings and be wary of what I said. And we apologized to each other - him for the things that he did and for the way that he apologized for them the first time, and my being a part of the reason why a lot of people are mad at him in the first place. We were civil, and at least I could be proud of that. I also told him not to speak to me first because I am still healing, and I am scared that speaking to him right away would be such a waste of all the effort I put in just to get to this point. I told him that I don't exactly know when I can tell him that I'm fine, that I'm not harboring any bitterness towards him anymore. 

I'm just really thankful that every day, there's progress being made; each day I get closer to finally being totally fine about everything.

Day 21, Sunday

Although I should mention that I should be thankful for my dad because it was Father's day - and I am - that's not the one I'm thankful for, exactly. He made it quite difficult actually, he was quite the moody father last Sunday and most of us were just trying to be careful not to upset him more.

What I am thankful for for that day is my time spent with my discipler. I'm thankful for her words of wisdom and for fierce love for all of her disciples. I'm thankful for the way that she cares for all of us - how she gets upset when we hurt but still reminds herself to stay objective. I hope to one day have a relationship with God similar to hers - the intimacy of that relationship with God.

Day 22, Monday

I'm thankful for my relatives who care. Just this Monday, I really wasn't in the best of moods. The entire day, I just felt really lonely and needed someone to talk to. I don't know. I keep getting those bad days, and I really don't want to anymore. I thought I was done with those miserable feelings, and I guess I'm wrong. There's still some of it that remains. 

But I'm thankful for an aunt who cares and who was concerned about me. We talked about heart aches and heart breaks and she told me to open up to my parents about those things too. I'm still scared of course. Because I know my mom, and I know how she reacts to these kinds of things. And well, I'm still treading on thin ice around my dad so I don't know. 

But there. Not having the most awesome of weeks - and the week just started - but I know that God will sustain me, and that He will make everything alright.