"If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;
but God has surely listened
and heard my voice in prayer.
Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me."
-- Psalm 66:18-20
I think that the readings for today have a certain coherence, that all 7 psalms assigned today can be synthesized. They have a progression, and although they really are just poetry, to me, they seem to be telling a story. From the fear of getting rejected by God, to asking for his blessing, taking refuge in Him and finally to praising His name and for everything that He is. Today, I relearned and realized just how gracious God really is. Case in point: those verses that I just cited and this thing that I went and am still going through.
It's foolish, not to mention absolutely futile, to hide our sins - or anything really - from God. He already knows them, He knows we'll be doing them, so there really is no point in keeping it from Him. The only thing that would be accomplishing is distancing ourselves from Him - and that is never a good thing. And it made me think back to that time, that time when I was still in that relationship, keeping it from everyone at Church and never talking to God about it. Considering the lies that I told, to cover that entire up, I really didn't expect for God to answer my prayers. (I'm actually glad He didn't. I can't even imagine what got me to thinking that asking Him to reconsider justified my actions) I suppose, at that point I thought that I wouldn't really be surprised if He didn't, and that I deserved being ignored, that God was ignoring my prayers. I guess to me, it made sense. Alam mo iyong kalokohan na nga iyong ginagawa ko, so malamang di ka talaga papansinin ni God kasi ang sama nga ng ginawa ko.
But verse 18 started with an 'if' - which states a condition. You know, like, what if. It didn't really happen, but one wonders anyway. So I'm assuming that because God did answer my prayers, gave me the explanations that I needed, gave me the closure that I wanted, that I didn't really cherish my sins? Yes, question mark. I don't know. Because being with him, I enjoyed that, because I did enjoy his company. But the guilt would be there, knowing that even though I was enjoying myself, I was lying and I was disobeying. And I'm just so thankful that God didn't harden His heart on me, or that He ignored me, though He had every right to. But then, that would be humanizing God, when He's not limited like us. That would be putting Him in a box where He doesn't belong, categorizing Him alongside us when He's nothing like us.
He is God. He is good, merciful, just and loving and so many more. I am thankful for having a God so great, and a God who is worthy of my praise.
So what does God want me to do? For starters, I think God would appreciate it if I don't keep things from Him. Besides, I really don't need to hide things from Him anyway. There's nothing to be scared of. God appreciates a heartfelt confession more than sacrifices to cover the sin up. He will love me no matter what. I just need to stop kidding myself that God will reconsider, that it's not a big deal. I need to talk to God more about these things. I need to think every little thing that I do through - Will it glorify God?
Haay Lord. You have control over my life Lord. I know You have reasons for why certain things happen in our lives, and that it is by Your grace that you give those reasons to us. Father, I pray that You give me wisdom and the proper attitude to deal with these things. I also pray that You would just keep on reminding me to run to You whenever unexpected things happen, when certain situations are being experienced. Father, You are good, loving and just, Lord. And I put my faith in You. In Your mighty name I pray, Amen.
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