Day 14

Have you ever had an epiphany? You know the kind. When you had a question in mind, but couldn't find an answer for it at that specific moment. Then all of a sudden, as though you've been struck by lightning, you have an ever so clichéd light bulb moment. Then you realize that at that moment, you found your answer and everything makes sense. I just had one of those moments. In the bathroom. After bathing. While washing my... delicates. I can't credit myself for this, of course. It was God, it's always God that deserves the credit.

So right, while washing my underthings - I'm sorry, of course, if this is too much information for you, reader - I figured that God really does know me, from the inside out. I mean, we all say that, so much so that the phrase probably lost some of its meaning. But I just realized that God knows me so much that he knows the only way I'll learn is if I experience it for myself. He knows I'm stubborn as heck, and that I'd probably not listen to warnings from other people - which I didn't. Now though, at least I know He's given me a great wake-up call. This whole debacle wasn't just to show me what kind of a person he really is. I believe that it's God's way of letting me learn for myself what kind of men I shouldn't be dating. 

And it's not just that. I know I practically did everything wrong - from keeping it from most of the people I knew, especially going behind my parents' back about it. In my head, I think what God has been saying is that, Now that you know what not to do, will you now listen to me and follow what I know you should be doing? 

This is what we would call, Educating in Freedom, in education. People gave me all the warnings, but in the end it was still my free will that got me into this mess, and so it is my free will that decides to stick this one out and learn from it. It's just so ridiculous that the one thing I thought I was smart enough to avoid, happens to me. It's funny, in a sad and quite pathetic kind of way.

I'm still hurt and mad, I suppose - and if I'm being completely honest, I miss the person that he was with me. Although, how much of that was true, I really don't know. But I'm not in rage anymore, so I'd say I'm making progress towards the goal - that is of course, feeling absolutely nothing for him and being able to forgive him. So I'm just trying to be thankful for the small things that make a huge difference. I'm thankful for this small epiphany from God. I'm thankful for songs that make me smile. I'm thankful for movies that can make me cry because of something other than hurt and sadness, for movies that can make me giggle like a little girl. I'm thankful for the little manifestations of God's love in my life.

I know that there's still a lot of things to cover, and that there's a long road ahead of me, but there's progress, and that's all that I'm really thinking about. 

Each day is a victory, each day I get closer to giving out forgiveness.