Day 12

Before I get to the gratitude part, I guess I'm just disappointed in myself to so easily forget what I've learned in camp. In camp, I learned - rather, re-learned - that God is in control, of everything; our lives, our situations, our trials. I can't believe that so soon after those four days at camp, I went back to finding distractions on my own, relying on myself once again to feel better, to somehow escape the miserable feeling that inevitably settles over me. And it gets tiring. I mean at some point, I'm just going to keep on hitting rock bottom every time I try to do things my way. 

How hard is it, self? How hard is it to plug into God's word? It's right beside your bed, all you have to do is read it. Why is it such a struggle then? I don't understand why it's so difficult for me to have a consistent walk with God. The desire's there, but the follow through is the problem. Ugh.

Anyway, today I woke feeling confused. It's the second time this week that I dreamt of him. It's been a few weeks since the agreement of not talking to each other, a couple of weeks since I found out about what he did and I just don't understand why I would dream about him all of a sudden. The only thing that I could remember of the first dream was that the whole time he was in my dream, I was holding balloons and the moment I released them, he was gone. My liberal arts education tells me that releasing the balloons somehow signify that I've let him go. But what do I know, I'm not a dream interpreter. And in my dream last night, it was like how we were before we broke up. We were at the mall and he was shopping with me. The sad thing was that by the end of the dream, he had to leave 'cause there was a birthday celebration of one of my nephews. When he left, I was hoping that he would text, but I knew that he wouldn't. 

I don't know, I woke feeling this hope that I knew shouldn't be there. It's over and done with. There's no going back. So why do I still love him despite this anger that I'm feeling? I'm still so far from the goal of just feeling nothing - that whether I see him or not, it won't matter because I feel nothing for him anymore. 

But I thank God for His word. Because I know that I can't do this alone. I can try, but I will fail, miserably - especially if it's not His way. And if there's anything that I need, it's constant support and encouragement from God. 

But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish. (Psalm 9:18)

If I should put my hope on anyone, it's God. He's the only one that's constant, He will never change. He is faithful. And I just thank God for His word, for His faithfulness, for being the awesome God that He is. His justice will never fail. I may feel cheated but it's nothing compared to what Christ had to go through. I thank God that each day He gives me the strength to move on with my life, to function properly, and that He gives me the strength to find the goodness in each things. I'm getting better because of Him and nothing else.

I will set my sights and heart on Him and no one else.