Hindi ko maiwasang isipin na ang daya, na ako na nga itong nasaktan, ako pa 'tong kailangang umintindi. Bakit, nung sinaktan ba niya ako, inintindi niya kung anong mararamdaman ko, kung anong kalalabasan noong mga ginawa niyang kalokohan? Oo, galit ako - galit na galit. Paano ba namang hindi? Nagsinungaling, nanloko at tinraydor niya ako. At ngayon, kailangan ko siyang patawarin, dahil bilang isang Kristyano, kailangan magpatawad - lalong-lalo na sa mga taong nanakit sa atin. Dahil isa ito sa mga utos ng Panginoon.
Pero ang hirap-hirap lang.
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered but I think it's about FORGIVENESS. -The Heart of the Matter, India Arie
[I will speak in English now]
For several weeks now, I've been so angry all the time, all that anger directed at just one person. I know that my anger is justified, but I also know that there's a proper way of handling that anger - and it's not in telling every person that I get a chance to talk to of the things that he did to me. Thank you Najee Chua for reminding me of this, for keeping me grounded. I know that I shouldn't let my anger get the better of me, that I shouldn't let my anger take a hold of my life and the way that I make decisions. The thing is, it really is tempting.
But I realize, if I really want to get over it, to finally get to that point that I would honestly be able to say that I feel nothing for him anymore - not love or anger - I'd have to let things go, bit by bit. I realized that if I continue to be angry with him, if I continue to let my anger get the best of me, then I'm not truly free. Somehow, he still has a hold on me, like he still controls the way I think and the way that I make my decisions. And I really don't, I'm not interested in having a connection with him - not at the moment, and probably not any time soon. I shouldn't rush myself, but at the same time, I know that I also shouldn't let myself rot in this feeling.
In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. (Psalm 4:4)
As difficult as it is, I just really need to stay calm, to let God take control of everything. In His time, I'll be able to say that I've forgiven him. In His time, I'll be able look at him in the eyes again and say that everything's in the past, that we're fine. But now is not the time, and I'm not going to rush myself. I know that I'm going to have to take it a day at a time. I need to stop thinking about you, and just focus on Him, give Him my time and let Him be the first on my priorities. I need to let Him make me feel whole again, especially since you just made me feel so close to being worthless when you decided to cheat. I need His love to complete me, not yours or anybody else. Wala akong mapapala kung aasa ako sa atensyon o pagmamahal mo. Hindi naman kasi ikaw ang kailangan ko e, si God ang kailangan ko.
It'll be difficult, I know. I'm not expecting anything less. But I also know that God won't let me go through this alone, I know that in everything, He will be with me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:!3)
No comments:
Post a Comment