What am I thankful for today?
I don't even know, it's just that God has been so consistently amazing - that even though nothing big actually happened today, just the fact that he's sustaining me is enough to make me happy. I was actually worried this morning that my streak of good vibes would end today - I mean, it's been a week, right? It's kind of too good to be true, so I was kind of expecting something to mess me over again. I realized two things regarding that now. First, I was expecting for something to happen, but nothing happened. Second, somehow, I keep forgetting that I committed myself to making a conscious effort to be happy. Being in a good mood should not depend on whatever happens on a certain day - although they are a factor - but our attitudes and how we respond matter more.
I am depending on the wrongs things, placing my hope on temporal and uncertain things, and not drawing enough strength from God.
I'm grateful for Pastor BJ's message on Isaiah 40 a while ago, how we should all place our hope on God's inexhaustible strength. I mean I realize that I've been disconnected with God in the sense that I haven't been able to spend time with Him, but I guess the message was a good reminder for me; that before it even reaches to the point that I completely disregard what God's will is for me, disregard that He just wants to help me, He's already getting ahead of me. See, God knows me so well, He knows that I'm going to end up trying to do things on my own, trying to be better and happy on my own. God knows what I need that even before I ask for it, He's already giving it to me.
I suppose I've been sort of rushing myself to get better - or at least expecting myself to get better in a matter of months. I mean, it's quite surprising that I no longer have the desire to see him suffer or the desire to harm him only after a couple of months of finding out what he did. I can only credit that to God and never to myself - because this would never even have been possible several years ago. I suppose I'm thankful that this happened to me at this time in my life, when I'm at this age and maturity level. I mean, I can't even imagine how I would handle this mess if it happened to me when I was in high school? I couldn't even be normal around boys then. Although I know there's still plenty of room for myself to mature, I know that should this have happened to me when I was still in high school, I don't think I would have survived.
The point is, all things considered, I think I'm handling the situation quite well. I got mad, but anyone who was in my position would be as well. But I'm not anymore, I can look him in the face again, and I'm no longer miserable or horribly sad. I'm not ecstatic about everything, but at least I'm functioning and at least I'm not being passive about it. I'm trying, more importantly learning how to forgive.
I realize of course, that just like any other human being who has gone through or is going through this mess of emotions is that I'm still harboring a bit of bitterness manifested through jealousy - jealousy when I see couples. Because I know that that used to be me, I know and remember that I used to have someone who would try to make me laugh just because he can, and someone who made me feel loved and special just by looking at me. I think maybe I'm over him but just not with the way that he made me feel. I don't know. I maybe speaking random words for all I know.
But at least I admitted that I'm not okay, although I never did say that I have fully recovered, and.that there's still a pretty long journey ahead of me.
I'm bitter and I get jealous, but that's as far as I'm going to let it go.
On another note, I found that I have the burden of telling my friend how concerned I am that she's in danger of incurring a Failure Due to Absence (FDA). But I know her, and I know that she has a headstrong personality. She does what she wants, when she wants, and no one will be able to change her mind. I shared this a while ago to some of the people during the prayer meeting this afternoon, and they all basically told me to just talk to her about it, but remember to do so in love.
Man, I really don't like confrontations. But I feel like she needs to hear this. Her education is at stake, and unless she really doesn't care about what happens to her beyond the walls of UA&P after graduation, I suggest she starts catching up with school work and her classes. She needs discipline and she needs focus.
Lord, is this You giving me a place, a person to minister to, indirectly?
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