Day 7-10 - Grateful for the Past 4 Days

Words are not enough to express the gratitude that I have in my heart right now. I wasn't smart enough to write down the things that I'm thankful for, but I think my memory should serve me just fine. 

Day 7:

The night before camp started, I was already having a good day and was so excited for camp to start. But then a friend told me something that night that angered me and all of a sudden, the excitement simmered down. It was painful but at the same time I knew that that pain was nothing compared to the amount of hurt that God had saved me from. He was already being gracious - I knew that I had to experience that pain in order for me to learn. And so when camp day finally arrived, I was initially grateful for the escape that it would provide and at the same time, I knew that God would speak to me in this camp a lot. It couldn't have been more timely of course, discussing Job and his sufferings when I'm going through this tremendous amount of hurt and anger - I knew that it was God's way of talking to me.

And to think that camp almost didn't happen because of a typhoon - which thankfully changed its course. We were blessed with good weather and that was all that mattered. 

But that day, I was most grateful for the message and my buzz group mates. That night, we learned that whether you consider yourself a good person or a bad person, you cannot escape suffering - bad things happen to everyone. It may be out of control, but it isn't for God. That to me was really encouraging especially since we, as human beings, are such control freaks. So when something happens that we can't manipulate or avoid, there's nothing else that we can do but put our trust in God and rely on Him. And fact of the matter is, just because we experience horrible situations in our lives, does not mean that we should stop serving and worshiping Him, all the more that we should serve and worship Him because it just shows how awesome He is.

When we gathered with our buzz groups, I didn't expect for all of us to be so candid with each other. I guess, when each and everyone in the group showed their vulnerability, it made all of us feel safe and secure - that we could all trust each other. I was blessed by their courage to disclose a part of themselves, and just as I tried to support and encourage them through their own trials, they've supported, encouraged and comforted me with my own trials. I praise God for all of them.

Day 8:

The very first thing that I was thankful for was that after so long, I was able to have a sincere time with my God. I don't understand how I could have ever stopped doing my devotions and searching for external comfort when He has all the answers and He is the Great comforter.

But I'm also grateful for Pastor BJ's message during plenary - that God doesn't put us through suffering for no reason or only because He's punishing us. God is always in control, always good and will always be glorified. Suffering isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes, we suffer because we've lost our focus on God and that's His way of getting our attentions; at least that was the case for me. I lost my focus on God that I now understand and am so thankful that He loves me so much that He's drawing me back to Him. How is God this great? I am amazed at His awesome.

I was also encouraged by what Pastor BJ mentioned in his message: that God controls even the intensity of our suffering, that He only gives suffering to those who can take it. Kinilig ako, that God believes that I can get through this, that God believes in me. But ultimately, the cause for our suffering is just secondary. Ultimately, we suffer so that God's name maybe glorified. How can that be such a bad thing?

Day 9: 

On this day, I was blessed by the message - that God showed me the incorrect way of how I've been dealing with the whole situation. How I've been relying on my own capabilities and on depending on the limited strength of my friends, when really, all I really had to do was depend on Him. I'd forgotten who He was and concentrated too much on the pain and hurt that I didn't see that nothing can surpass God, all of these troubles and emotional stress that I'm having, He can deal with. 

I have been rebuked in love, and I am so grateful for it.

I was also grateful for my talk with Ate Chette. I was so scared to talk to her before about it, but I know that she only cares for all of us - and hates it when she sees us hurting. She gave me so much understanding and love even when I really messed up a lot. She took care of me and I'm so thankful for her.

But the matter that I am most grateful for that day was the testimonies given by different people. I praise God for all of them and for having the courage to expose their vulnerabilities and praise items to everyone. I was blessed to see how God worked in all their lives and how He continues to do so. Both old (or as SJay would phrase it, classic) and new timers shared their experiences and their gratitude - including myself. I had the urge to speak, but I was debating whether I should or not. It was, after all, one thing to expose myself to a few people, but to expose myself to everyone - both new and old faces - scared me. But then, if the people who came before were able to do it, certainly God would give me the same strength that they had. And He did. 

I was shaking like a leaf of course, practically fessing up to the world. But it had to be told, that yes, I am struggling with it still, but everything that I am today, all the things that I am still able to do, they're all because God has been exceedingly gracious with me. I can never understand why, but because of that same grace, I am able to move forward.

Day 10:

Yesterday, after telling myself that I wouldn't cry over it anymore, I did. I cried on the last song during praise and worship. I don't exactly remember what triggered it - maybe it was realizing how great God's love is for me through the lyrics. But I did, I cried about His love, and the pain that I'm going through that I casted it to God because I knew that I was limited and He's not and He will take care of me. So I am thankful for the release of the heaviness that I felt - there's still anger and hurt in me, but I believe that He will one day be able to grant me that peace I long for.

Another matter that I am surprised about and grateful for was being awarded as one of the many campers of the year. I don't know, I hoped for it but at the same time I knew that there were so many other people who deserved it more than I did. But I am so thankful to have been affirmed and greatly encouraged by the award. [I feel like I should wear it all the time now. o.o :))]

I know that I really have to start making a conscious effort to stay true to my testimony and to avoid backsliding. It'll be difficult, and the enemy will make it a point to make me give up, but my God is stronger and my faith is founded on Him.

I've been blessed so much the past 4 days, and I know that my words can never encompass His greatness, but I hope that my words were enough to comprehend my gratitude and love for Him. 

If not for Your goodness, if not for Your grace

I don't know where I would be today.

If not for your kindness I never could say

I'M STILL STANDING

If not for Your mercy, if not for Your love

I most likely would have given up

If not for your favor I never could say

I'm still standing but by the GRACE OF GOD.

Day 6 - Also Known As the Sudden Epiphany

During the time when things have just ended between him and I, I felt like Bella Swan in New Moon. And yes, I was quite horrified about comparing myself to such a pathetic character. It was horrible of course, feeling so miserable and how each breath you take is painful. The biggest similarity that we both shared was that every day since things ended, I only wanted to take back the decision and be with him again - torturing myself with checking his facebook page out and looking through pictures of us. Yes, it was quite pathetic. 

But that was it.

While she never made any effort to get over him - as a matter of fact, even the moment she got out of her zombie state and started doing things like a normal human being again was in an effort to hear Edward’s voice in her head - I’ve made that conscious decision to get back up and start respecting myself. I made the choice - to be normal again, to go back to my old self when I didn’t need a boy to make me feel loved. To make the conscious effort to be happy again, even if there will be times that it would certainly be difficult - I move forward anyways because I know in the end, it will all be worth it. To know that at the end of the day, this experience will just make me wiser and stronger. 

So just as Harry chose to be in Gryffindor even though the Sorting Hat told him he’d do really well in Slytherin, I choose to move forward, move on with my life because I believe that I deserve to be happy.

Always be happy. Never stop praying. Give thanks whatever happens. This is what God wants for you in Christ Jesus. - 1Thessalonians 5:16-18

Day 5

This was from yesterday, originally posted in tumblr. But, I forgot to cross-post it here. ._.


This will be short. :)

Today, I thank God for reacquainting me with the wonders that a single prayer can do. He has reminded me that even if I unload everything that I feel towards everyone that I know, nothing’s going to change - because people have no power to change the situation you’re in. It’s all in God’s hands. He will keep you safe, only He can make you feel better.

Thank You, Lord. It was a short prayer, but surrendering it all to You is all the best that I can hope for. :)

Day 4 [yesterday]

So I was supposed to write this last night. But I thought, writing it in such a terrible mood would have defeated the purpose of writing things that I’m thankful for. I mean, I would have been able to put something that I was thankful for, but it would have been laced with so much bitterness and anger and I just didn’t want that. I would have been disappointed in myself later on, to go back to that blog post later, read it and see just how angry I really was. No good. So after an acceptable number of hours, I am now writing about the thing that I am most thankful for yesterday.

See, yesterday would have been the best day that I've had so far since the entire broken heart fiasco happened. I was happy to be able to serve God again, with nothing holding me back, I was free to to just worship Him without feeling guilty about anything. Not to mention that it was so wonderful to have worshiped Him with Band 3 and that everyone was just committed to bringing Him praise and glorifying Him that night. Surround yourself with positive energy, while being positive yourself, will absolutely make you buzz with happiness and just joy to serve Him. 

That would have been the candidate I had for this 100 Days post had the bad news not been revealed to me. 

For the longest time, I've been asking God to let me understand why He wouldn’t allow it for the both of us to be together - I even threw tantrums. Nagtampo ako kay God kasi minsan na lang nga ako humingi ng isang bagay na sobrang gusto ko, ipagkakait pa Niya. Yesterday, I believe God finally told me why it would never work out. When I found out about it, I was hurt and mad - that it almost seemed like the hurt and the anger that I felt last night merged into one being. Most of all, I felt cheated, cheated by the person I invested a year’s worth of feelings on.

I had so many thoughts, most of them violent and assuming things that may or may not actually be true but seems so possible. I knew that they weren't pleasing to Him, all those thoughts that were running through my head, but I suppose at that time I was just relying on myself to make myself feel better instead of asking God to comfort me. 

So I thank God, for finally telling me the reason why it would never have worked. I thank God for showing me really just what kind of a person he really is. At the end of the day, God was just looking out for me, He wants the best for me and I daresay, I deserve the best or at least I deserve someone so much better than him. I thank God that despite my irrational anger towards Him, He never fails to make me feel love, to let me know that He loves me. 

Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the skies. -Psalm 36:5

I’m still hurt, and I think I will be for a while. But this just makes me more determined to move on now. There really is nothing that is holding me back.

Thank You Lord for this, really. Thank You for opening my eyes to this reality.

Day 3

Today, I thank God for a day with my brother.

I was supposed to help out a friend at Church, but I wasn’t able to ask permission right away [sorry Phoebe!]. So I stayed at home, watched a movie on my laptop before I decided to go down to eat anything. Ahehe. And although I wasn’t able to help out a friend, I was able to spend it with my brother - reluctantly helping him out with kitchen work. I really do consider it a blessing too since I don’t get to spend much time with my brother nowadays. It was nice, spending that time with him.

I also thank God that just as he uses people to encourage and comfort me during this time, He also uses me to comfort and encourage others as well. ToSJay, I meant what I said. I felt, and still feel the same way too. We feel lonely because we didn’t just lose the ‘relationship’, we also lost our confidantes. I still think that we’re allowed to have those moments when we’re overwhelmed by the feeling of missing them - just as long as we don’t let it consume us. I personally still have those moments, I still think about it and him a lot, but somehow, it gets better. At least, I manage to deal with it better now, unlike how I was a couple of months ago. :) We can do this, we are each other’s support group. I thank God for you and the rest of the AG :)

I laaaaaahve you. ♥

Hay Lord. Ang galing-galing mo lang talaga. :)

Day 2

Today, I’d like to thank God for His faithfulness. See, I never really thought, a couple of months ago, that I would be able to say that “I’m fine” any time soon. Yes, I’m still a long way from being able to say that sincerely, with no heaviness and an honest to goodness real smile on my face. But - and there is quite a big but - I’m doing so much better. And I never imagined that I would be able to say it quite so soon. 

God’s grace - it’s amazing, is it not? :)

And although today didn’t turn out the way that I thought it would be - training and going out with friends - I don’t seem to mind at all. :D And I’m grateful for staying at home, I was able to meet my brother’s friend, who was charming as she was pretty. I wouldn’t have been able to meet her and chat with her for a short while had I gone out. Although, as it turns out, it was going to get cancelled anyway ‘cause one my friends parents’ were making her go home. It was a good day, and God’s grace is an everyday blessing. 

I’m on a steady road to recovery, I think. :) And that really is something to be thankful about. :D

Dear Lord, thank You so much for Your faithfulness. Thank You so much for always making me feel Your love and for letting me know how much You care about me. Grabe lang, Lord. Ang galing-galing mo. Only You can make the seemingly impossible, possible. You gave me strength and will power when I was unsure of myself and You provide, even when I don't ask. You just know, and You are amazing. I love You Lord. Help me rediscover You, my first love. Help me rediscover the love that I have for You. 

In Christ's name, Amen.

Day 1

I am taking saaavi’s advice will now start with the 100 Days as well. That would be, 100 Days of finding something to be thankful for, finding the goodness in each day and being blessed by them.

Today, I praise God that the heavy chest feelings that I usually feel lately since the end of a relationship is gone - at least for today. I mean, I’m uncertain if tomorrow it will be back, but for today, I am happy and so grateful that it’s not there. When the emotional pain that you have suddenly becomes physical, it sort of messes with your head, and ultimately makes you utterly useless. Lying on the bed, doing nothing, trying so hard to breathe steadily - all of these are effects of grieving. But at some point, we have to realize that it doesn’t have to stay like that; that I don’t have to stay like that. 

I meant what I said in my previous post. I need and deserve to be happy and so I will continue to make the conscious effort to be happy, to know that the only reason the skies are grey is because of the clouds - look beyond the clouds and the sky is blue again. :) Heehee.

Dear Lord, thank You so much for today Lord. For letting me feel Your love, for continuing to love me despite my numerous flaws. Accompany me Lord, be with me in every step of this journey, this situation that You’ve gifted me with. You are amazing. 

In Christ’s name, Amen.

My Own Wake Up Call

Tita Irene tagged me this note, and I really praise God for this. He really does have perfect timing. :)

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.

Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
  

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help. 

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people... and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

Thank you Tita for this. I've already had my wake up call. Now, it really is just a matter of staying awake and watching the sunrise. :)

Done with feeling pathetic and panget

Being happy, being fine, it’s an everyday conscious effort. In order to be happy, I need to start looking at the positive things in life. Moping may have been acceptable for a while, but not any more. 

Tama na.

It’s time for a change. I will be happy because I deserve to be, everyone deserves to be happy.

Dear Lord, thank you for the comfort and encouragement that You’ve given me. I know that I’m not quite there yet, but please don’t tire of reminding me about Your love and why I had to do what I did. I love You Lord.

In Christ’s name, Amen.

1 Thessalonians 4:1-2, 7.

I WISH POSITIVITY WAS LIKE CANDIES SO I CAN POP THEM IN MY MOUTH ANYTIME I FEEL DOWN.

Barney Stinson

I forget which season and which episode it was, but I distinctly remember it being the one where Robin and Barney had just broken up, and Barney was telling everyone all the other 'cons' that he's done. The one that I most remember now is: "He's not coming.". In this act, he goes to each girl telling them that line and hoping that the line would apply to one of them and that they would be fragile enough for him to prey on. 

Now, I don't imagine someone with a hidden agenda would come up to me - should it ever happen that I'm alone and looking especially sad and vulnerable - and tell that exact line to my face. I do however need to say it to myself repeatedly, chant it like a mantra until I accept it. It's not just 'he's not coming', but also 'he's not going to call' and 'he's not going to text'. I have to surrender. I can't keep holding onto something that wasn't supposed to be there. Time's up. Game over. Move on already and let God handle the rest.

Dear self, please stop being such a stubborn pwet. Do you seriously think that things will be better? That things will get better? You may hope that it would, but it doesn't mean that it will. Just stop. Stop yourself from hoping, stop yourself from thinking of what could have been. Just stop. Time to face the music - nothing's going to change. Your life is not a movie; your parents will probably still not want him for you, and you can't force God to change His decision for you because He's God. So stop, stop before you hurt yourself further. The sooner you accept things as they are, the better. 

Lord, please just let me have a heart that longs to please You. Help me heal my wounds, Lord and may You be the one to bring comfort and strength to me. Help me to put my trust in You, to trust that everything will be ok, that this will pass. Help me Lord to accept what you want for me, help me to find the joy in obeying You. I can't do things on my own Lord. In my weakness, in my brokenness, may Your light shine through.

Amen.

Happy Song

"I'm telling the world, that I've found the girl. The one I can live for, the one who deserves" ♥

The past month, it’s been hard for me to listen to love songs - whether happy or sad. If it’s a happy love song, it tends to make me feel really bitter. If it’s a sad love song, it just makes me feel sadder, so I didn’t really touch my iPod much the past month. 

Now… Well, it still stings hearing love songs playing over the radio. But this one. This song makes me bitter and hopeful at the same time. :)) How bipolar, self. :)) idk. I just wish that I would find someone who would be proud to call me his, and love me the way that Christ loves His Church. 

Dear future husband, should you ever find this blog post, I am asking you to search this song, learn it and sing it to me on our wedding day. It would make me tremendously happy, even if you can’t sing. :)

I’m waiting for you,

Your future wife.

Acceptance

Seems simple enough right?

Acceptance. An act of letting go and just seeing things as they are and working with what you have. Something that would help you, or rather something that would enable you to start moving forward. I feel like I'm stuck. Each time I try to move a step forward, something pulls me 10 yards back. The sad thing is, I almost always let myself get pulled back. 

And you know, I might just have to reach that point of realization that I'm being stupid and pathetic. 

But at the same time, I don't want to force myself to get better. One day, I want to be able to say that I'm fine. But I know I won't be able to say that in a month or two... or five. If it's going to take me a year, fine. But I'm really getting tired of feeling like this, like I'm worthless, like I need someone to make me feel better when the only One who can do that had already accepted and loved me even before my parents thought of conceiving me.

Acceptance. How do you accept something that causes you so much pain, when all you really want to do is make the hurt stop or undo what you've already done. How do you stop thinking about it? People have been telling me to be strong about it, to face it head on, to just let it go. It's hard though. Like seriously - telling yourself that it doesn't matter if he texts or not, whether he calls or not. It takes serious will power to overcome that and believe that no matter what happens, you will be fine. And the fear is, what if you won't be? What if I won't be, then what? I'm scared of having people ask me how I am and upon responding them with a sub par feeling of 'eh', they'd go: Pa rin? 

Seriously, how long does it have to take for a person to get over that kind of situation? There's no clear formula with how one's supposed to deal with this. If there was a manual on how to cope - an honest to goodness effective means of coping manual - I would have a copy of it, probably worn out from just the first use. 

It's terrible this situation. 

It's terrifying, this acceptance - or soon to come anyway.

Che.

Utot mo. Paawa ka diyan. Bakit ako magpapaawa? Sige nga.

Grabe lang.