Day 68: Saved Festival

I think I'll let the pictures do most of the talking for this one.

It was such an honor to have been led to worship by people who have such a passion for God. This is just a preview of what we'll be doing eternally in heaven, and I am just so excited for it! :D It was just so amazing and overwhelming for me to see all those people to come together and worship the one true God. More than the songs that were played, and the testimonies that were delivered, I was blessed by the hearts of each and everyone who have the same goal as I do - to bring glory to God's name.

Thank You, Lord. You are forever awesome and amazing.

Til next year, Saved Festival.

Days 61-67: A Crazy Week

As a disclaimer, I would just like to say that writing this will be quite a challenge - not because of some emotional struggle (though, of course those would be unavoidable, but they're not the main bulk of it), but because this requires some memory work. I've actually wanted to blog about a lot of things since last Sunday, but laziness and fatigue go the better of me.

Day 61: Y-Groups (Sunday)

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. -- Romans 5:3-4.

Our y-group last Sunday focused on God's grace and the righteousness of man through Christ, and the gifts or blessings that come with being right with God. Verses 3-4 of Romans 5 succinctly states these blessings that God has manifested in my life this year. It's no secret after all, just how challenging this year was to me and how much emotional pain I've gone through in a span of months.

Before this entire mess happened, I never actually thought that God's way of refining and disciplining me would be that painful - and I know it's nothing compared to the things that other people have faced or are still going through. It's not unusual either, for a lot of us to think that we don't deserve to go through such things because 'we haven't done anything wrong' and ask the question 'why do bad things happen to good people?'. Well see, it's a matter of perspective. In our limited, human point of view, we have this lacking notion of what is just, what we deserve, and what is right. We think that just because we're generally good people, we don't deserve to go through pain, experience hardships, or even suffer through the consequences of our actions.

As humans, we seem to be under the impression that we have the liberty to do whatever we want without taking responsibility for our actions.

The fact of the matter is, what we deserve, Christ took the brunt of it for us. We deserve to die, we deserve judgment, yet He was the one who took our places. We don't deserve God's grace, and yet He still gave it to us, redeemed us. So what's a generous amount of challenges that we need to face in God's time? We need to remember that our God is not a malicious God, nor does he take pleasure in our suffering just so He could see us in pain. He's not sadistic. We need to stop seeing trials as an evil, because good is still present in them. Trials are good because they come from God; we mature through them, our characters are further built in them.

Thank You Lord, because You love me so much that You kept me from drowning in my mistake, and that You gave me the strength to overcome them.

Day 62-64: The Strong Factor (Monday-Thursday) [oh hey look, I made a pun :))]

I suppose I should explain the need for the pun? Ahehe. Well, it's as simple as it was the common thread in those three days. See, on Day 62 (which is also the second day of my monthly), friend A was telling this story of the time when she and our other friend (friend B) saw an r-13 movie and the guard wouldn't let friend B in because she didn't look like she was older than 13 - when she was already 19 then. So I asked friend A what movie it was that they saw at that time. Friend A wasn't so sure which one it was, that it was probably Love and Other Drugs. She said that, basta iyong movie na nakasalubong namin kayo ni Strong sa sinehan! (with matching heartfelt pointing of the finger) She said it so enthusiastically that I was actually expecting myself to get upset over it, or at least be affected by it a bit. Instead, I continued eating my lunch and actually felt nothing when she said it. I was more affected by the way that she pointed at me!

And I can only attribute this to God. This is all Him and I can't ever take credit for this because if this happened to me several months ago, I'd probably gotten super affected and/or cried. Which was why on Day 63, I finally realized and truly believed that God has helped me to move on. While there are those days that I would inevitably feel vulnerable and think about him, these instances decreased over the course of the last few months. God has continually helped me to get back on my feet once again, and set me on the path that He wants me to take. It was also on this day that I intentionally made the decision to forgive Strong.

I know that I should have done it earlier, that I should have made that decision and promise earlier. Nevertheless, making that decision gave me this profound peace in my heart; that feeling that my burden has been lifted. I knew, of course, that he wasn't the only one at fault and that I had made my own mistakes as well. Besides, I knew from the start how irrational the decision of starting an illegal relationship with him was.

Joshua Harris' book Boy Meets Girl has helped me come to this decision. On the topic of forgiveness, he included a quote that he got from his father. It said, Forgiveness means that you never use someone's past against them. I know that it's going to be a constant effort, I know that it won't be easy, but should I ever feel tempted to bring up the past against him, I know that I can count on God to keep me from doing so.

So, having reached this conclusion, I found that God has such a tremendous sense of humor. On Day 64, I get an unexpected text from Strong, as I already posted on my previous entry. It was just so bizarre I guess, especially since we haven't spoken to each other in 3 months - not even hi's or hello's. God is just funny sometimes. But I ended up asking Him what that was about - because I seriously could not figure out why it happened a day after I realized that I was doing well. But I surprised myself by handling it better than I thought I would. I thank God that He kept me calm and relatively unaffected by what was happening. Still, I continually asked God to guard my heart and not to get myself too attached with him all over again. Although I am uncertain if what happened on this day was a test from God and I've no idea if I passed the test or not, I'm still thankful that God gave me an opportunity to show that I'm no longer mad at him; that I'd already forgiven him.

Day 65: The Truth (Friday)

This one will be short - actually, I can state the thing that I'm grateful for in a couple of sentences. I am grateful that the Protestant Reformation happened all those centuries ago. I thank God that the reality and the truth of His love for us has been known to us and that our faith in Him is not in vain.

Day 66: An Overflow of Worship (Saturday)

I would like to thank God for Band 3. I would like to thank God for the way that He has provided for our band. It is amazing how from being a "girl band", God has provided us with male singers that balanced out our band. In this way, dividing songs into girl-boy categories actually make sense now. :)) I praise God for Josiah who led worship with us last Saturday for the first time and for Josh Magsombol who led worship with us last Saturday after a very long time.

In addition, God has also provided for us a handful of competent pool of preachers who are passionate about God. Praise God for Theo and the message that he delivered last Saturday.

Day 67: A Friendly Reminder from Ate Chette (Sunday)

It's routine when we have y-groups to ask how each person is doing. So I told Ate Chette my concern about the workload that I have for school now. More importantly though, I told her of the unexpected text that I received last Thursday and again on Saturday evening after worship. I told her how I felt and how I've constantly checked myself if I was doing ok, if I could still handle it. And while I told her that I was actually find about the whole thing, she warned me to still be careful and that it would be better if I just ignore any and all texts coming from him.

I of course knew that this was only logical, because talking to him after only 3 months still puts my emotions at the high risk of getting attached and getting hurt all over again.

I praise God because He never fails to take care of me and to protect me. I know that should I have followed what I wanted, that is to start being friends with him again, it would undoubtedly fail. Neither of us are completely healed and have moved on yet, so starting something again at this point would have been a shame. So while I still love him (thankfully, less each day and more as a brother), I love God more and know that He's the one I need to focus on.

ANYARE.

One minute I was watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and the next moment I get a text from Mr. Ex. @-)

Kailangan day after ang challenge, Lord? Kakarealize ko lang kagabi na medyo ok na ako ah. Anyway. Besides being bewildered, I feel nothing. But dear Lord, please just keep on reminding me that You are far greater than this and that I have You to guard my heart. I will delight in You, Lord, and not just on some guy. I love You, Lord. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Something About Grattitude

Just a thought. It's really easy to be grateful when things are going so well. But often, we fail to be so when we're in a bad mood, or when nothing is going our way. 

Human nature. 

Quite fickle, isn't it?

Day 60: Bittersweet Grattitude

Today, my parents and I went to the Chinese Cemetery in Manila. 

gate entrance of the cemetery

I actually wasn't too psyched about it - well, I've actually never been to psyched about visiting the dead. Especially dead people whom I've never met when they were alive. I don't really know if this would make me insensitive, but the mausoleums that we went to were the ones of my mom's grandparents; and to be honest, I think not one cousin from my mom's side of the family have ever met tai gua-ma and tai gua-kong. I appreciate my mom's effort of making them known to us though. It was great hearing stories from her childhood. How in some bizarre way, the cemetery became their playground when they were young. I mean, I know of memorial parks that look friendly and really do look like your average parks. But this cemetery is all hard, dirty, and cold cement.

I don't know how they looked like during my mom's childhood, but this is how they look like now. In each street, there are rows of mausoleums about the size of a small studio apartment that house the remains of each families' loved ones. Historically, it's so interesting for me. It makes me wonder where the early Chinese got the idea that dead people need houses too. It's fascinating, this thing of learning about my culture as a Filipino-Chinese. And I know that I am rooted enough in my faith that I'm certain that the information I will be getting, traditions and culture that will be explained to me will remain just as that - information. 

Oh, I forgot to mention that we also visited this little tomb that belongs to my older sister (I'm not really clear if my mom had a miscarriage or if my ate was a premature baby: my parents never really discussed it with me and I never prodded for answers). So while I'm grateful for God's grace and His Son's redemptive act, it becomes a little bittersweet for me because these family members that we just visited today died without having been saved. I mean, as far as assumptions go with regards to my great grandparents anyway. It is highly likely though that they never got to surrender their lives to God, accept Christ as their Savior. 

It doesn't sadden me because I won't see them in heaven. As far as I'm concerned, they are related to me by blood but not by "relationship". The thing that's saddening is the fact that they didn't get a chance to experience God in their lives while they were alive; that until the very end, they were the masters of their own fate and did turn the reigns over to God. 

Everyone deserves the opportunity to know God. As Christians, this should make us more aware of the importance of reaching out to people who've not heard of the Gospel. And speaking of unreached people, I saw this segment on ABS-CBN about suicides; the people who committed suicide, their families, and how their suicides affected their families. The second segment was about this tribal elder in Palawan whose children all committed suicide. The thing that was surprising though was that it didn't even bother him. He explained that taking one's own life was simply a means of ending life - a quickie solution to end pain and suffering. Almost as though suicides are as common as taking painkillers for a headache. They also think that committing suicide is not a big deal because some people are built to be stronger. They also have no concept of the afterlife, heaven, or hell. When life ends, it ends. That is their belief.

And all of a sudden, it's like I had this burden or longing for someone, anyone, to reach out to them - to tell them of God's goodness, to explain to them that ending your life should be a big deal. Even if they say that the Philippines is the only Christian country in Asia, there are still so many people that need to know God. I mean, they shouldn't be ignored just because they're a minority. Everyone needs God in their lives, even if they don't know of Him yet.

He said to them: “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”  -- Acts 1:7-8

We're all called to reach out and be involved in missions, we are required to be God's witnesses wherever we go.

**images are from google, none of those photos are mine.

No One Is Exempt

Paul, I think, is the best example that everyone is called to evangelize and missions.

"Go! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name." -- Acts 9:15-16

To those reading this and have absolutely no background of who Paul is, for starters, he wasn't always called Paul. He was first, Saul - someone who knew the Mosaic Law by heart and persecuted Christians because he believed that they were going against God's commands. He was, initially, someone who didn't believe in Jesus as the Christ. With misguided intentions and misinformation, he became one of the most determined Christian persecutors in early Christian history.

The thing about Saul, eventually called Paul, is was that he was chosen by God. Despite the things that he has done, God still chose to use him for the furtherance of His kingdom. And if God can turn a persecutor/murderer into one of the most passionate and God-filled apostles, surely he can use us.

Here's the picture, I personally, have always been under the assumption that evangelism and missions are a special vocation; that only certain people are called to it. For the longest time, I've been really iffy about it. I was cool with serving God, but on my own terms. Shameful, I know. But we all go through this. We say that we commit our lives to God, and yet at the slightest call to do something out of comfort zone, we shrink back and politely decline. 

Is it safe to say that whenever we refuse to pay attention to the way that God calls us to do His work - no matter how uncomfortable it may be - that we haven't really surrendered all to Him?

I'm not trying to sound preachy about this, believe me that is the last thing I want to do. Besides, I am also very much guilty of this. For as far as I can remember, I have steered away from missions because I was afraid that God was going to put me in another place. Until recently, I hardly involved myself with missions at all. But I think now, God is directing me towards a path that I once thought that I would never take. 

We are all called to missions, and if we want to glorify God more, bringing more people to Him to be saved is the best way to go. Thankfully, I realized this during the prayer retreat almost a week ago. I believe God spoke to me very clearly that time - no doubt about it, He was telling me to get off my butt and start working for Him, to bring more people to Him. And though it's daunting for me, I just need to keep reminding myself that it should never be about me. It should, first and foremost, always be about Him.

We are called to know Christ and to make Him known.

Days 56-59

I had hoped to be productive this sembreak, but so far, I've mostly been just playing with our new golden retriever which we got the very first day that I was officially on break. I have been on a baking mood lately - I've been looking through some cupcake recipes online and have just been mustering the guts to start on it. Anyway, I'm blogging about the past few days that God has blessed me with.

Days 56-57

I, along with several other Youth Leaders from GCF, went on a prayer retreat over the weekend. I have to admit that my initial motives for wanting to go to this retreat was more for having fellowship with the other leaders than actually preparing for my encounter with God. I suppose, I just didn't expect a lot from it? It's not to say that I expected it to be terrible or horribly boring - which it neither was. I was, gratefully, proven wrong and was very much blessed by this retreat.

Admittedly, I have a poor prayer life - and I'm not just saying this. I feel bad that prayer to me, has become both an obligation and a list of things that I ask from God. This of course, is wrong. Prayer should never be about us, it should primarily be about God and glorifying His name. It's not new information. Given how I grew up in Sunday School and became very active in Church, it's something that I already know. But sometimes, head knowledge just stays precisely as that - head knowledge. We took note of the information and file it somewhere in our brains to take our for future reference, when it shouldn't be.

Glorifying God should be our topmost priority. It should be something that we constantly work for; that even when things get to be really difficult for us, we press on towards Jesus and to make His name known. Having already been saved, being secure in our redemption, we tend to be complacent and forget that we are all called to evangelize and reach out to billions of others all around the world. God is glorified when we pray for more people to be saved - prayer then, is evangelical in nature.

For this retreat, we also spent 13 hours in silence and just spent the time talking and listening to God. It was a first for me. I don't think I've ever stayed quiet for that long. It wasn't too difficult to do since it was during the night, and most of it was spend sleeping. But it was refreshing I guess, when you just immerse yourself in God's word, stay still, and let Him speak to you. It was really overwhelming for me that I ended up crying (which was a first; I don't think I've ever been driven to tears when I do my devotions). 

For the longest time, I've been avoiding missions and evangelism, because I was more afraid for myself than I was concerned to glorify Him.Now though, I know that I should be getting involved myself in missions and evangelism - they are after all, commanded by God. I know that it'll be tough, that there are those who would be resistant and would flat out refuse to listen, but I will do it for my God.

Day 58

Yesterday, my family and I went to the cemetery to visit my grandparents' (on both sides) and my great grandparents' graves. It was a little different this year since it was just us. Normally, we'd be having like mini reunions with my mom's side of the family when we visit our dead relatives. This year though, some of my mom's sisters already went a few weeks before us and I couldn't help but feel dismayed about not being able to see my aunts and my cousins. 

But despite that, it was still a blessing. I was able to learn more about my dad's side of the family while we were at the cemetery - years before I was even born. I learned about my gua-ma (my mom's mom) and how she was so excited about my birth that despite my being in the ICU (I don't exactly know why I was there), she had my ears pierced right away and how I was the last grandchild that she saw before she passed 11 months later. 

On my dad's side of the family, I've always been jealous of how my older cousins are so close. I've been jealous of the fact that all the cousins would have sleepovers at the ancestral home, playing and wreaking havoc. I've also been jealous of the fact that I my aunts and uncles would pick my brothers up from school when they were younger. Being the youngest, I never got to experience any of those since my cousins were already older when I was born (FYI, I am the second to the last youngest cousin in our family). But even if I was sobrang naiinggit, I was just grateful that I got to hear those stories from my family.

Praise God for family time :)

Day 59

Today, I found out that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced after getting married a little over two months ago. I wasn't surprised when the news hit. I actually don't know how to react to it. I suppose I'm just sad with the way that people have little regard to the sanctity of marriage now. It's as if the words 'til death do us part mean nothing. It probably doesn't anyway. I feel as though people go through the actions of having a wedding without understanding the implications of the vows that they've exchanged with each other and in front of their friends and family.

It's like they're not even trying to make the marriage work and at the earliest signs of struggle, they give up. I don't really understand what is happening to the culture in so many countries now or what goes through the people who want to be separated from their spouses. How hard is to understand that making a commitment means that there's no backing out, that you're in that relationship for life. Unless your life is in danger, there is absolutely no reason for you to get out of your marriage. 

You have troubles? Well tough, getting married did not exempt you from the problems of the world. That doesn't mean that you leave your partner behind. You stopped loving your partner? Well, marriage is not a feeling - it's a commitment. Besides, you don't leave just because of that. You find a way to woo your spouse and fall in love with them all over again. Do not be lazy when it comes to your marriage. 

This whole thing just made me grateful that after some 30+ years of marriage, my parents are still together and in love like nobody's business. They may not be affectionate or showy like the other couples out there, but I know that they deeply love and care for each other. I am grateful that they have a great marriage, and one day, I hope to have one just like theirs. 

It's frustrating, this news. But while there are couples out there who are getting divorced, they still exists couples who actually grew old together. I believe that God has provided for us someone who will complement our person - and someone who will be able to glorify God with. It's not the end of the world.

There is hope for love.