Day 40: Hoping for Nothing

What am I thankful for today?

I don't even know, it's just that God has been so consistently amazing - that even though nothing big actually happened today, just the fact that he's sustaining me is enough to make me happy. I was actually worried this morning that my streak of good vibes would end today - I mean, it's been a week, right? It's kind of too good to be true, so I was  kind of expecting something to mess me over again. I realized two things regarding that now. First, I was expecting for something to happen, but nothing happened. Second, somehow, I keep forgetting that I committed myself to making a conscious effort to be happy. Being in a good mood should not depend on whatever happens on a certain day - although they are a factor - but our attitudes and how we respond matter more.

I am depending on the wrongs things, placing my hope on temporal and uncertain things, and not drawing enough strength from God. 

I'm grateful for Pastor BJ's message on Isaiah 40 a while ago, how we should all place our hope on God's inexhaustible strength. I mean I realize that I've been disconnected with God in the sense that I haven't been able to spend time with Him, but I guess the message was a good reminder for me; that before it even reaches to the point that I completely disregard what God's will is for me, disregard that He just wants to help me, He's already getting ahead of me. See, God knows me so well, He knows that I'm going to end up trying to do things on my own, trying to be better and happy on my own. God knows what I need that even before I ask for it, He's already giving it to me. 

I suppose I've been sort of rushing myself to get better - or at least expecting myself to get better in a matter of months. I mean, it's quite surprising that I no longer have the desire to see him suffer or the desire to harm him only after a couple of months of finding out what he did. I can only credit that to God and never to myself - because this would never even have been possible several years ago. I suppose I'm thankful that this happened to me at this time in my life, when I'm at this age and maturity level. I mean, I can't even imagine how I would handle this mess if it happened to me when I was in high school? I couldn't even be normal around boys then. Although I know there's still plenty of room for myself to mature, I know that should this have happened to me when I was still in high school, I don't think I would have survived. 

The point is, all things considered, I think I'm handling the situation quite well. I got mad, but anyone who was in my position would be as well. But I'm not anymore, I can look him in the face again, and I'm no longer miserable or horribly sad. I'm not ecstatic about everything, but at least I'm functioning and at least I'm not being passive about it. I'm trying, more importantly learning how to forgive.

I realize of course, that just like any other human being who has gone through or is going through this mess of emotions is that I'm still harboring a bit of bitterness manifested through jealousy - jealousy when I see couples. Because I know that that used to be me, I know and remember that I used to have someone who would try to make me laugh just because he can, and someone who made me feel loved and special just by looking at me. I think maybe I'm over him but just not with the way that he made me feel. I don't know. I maybe speaking random words for all I know. 

But at least I admitted that I'm not okay, although I never did say that I have fully recovered, and.that there's still a pretty long journey ahead of me. 

I'm bitter and I get jealous, but that's as far as I'm going to let it go. 

On another note, I found that I have the burden of telling my friend how concerned I am that she's in danger of incurring a Failure Due to Absence (FDA). But I know her, and I know that she has a headstrong personality. She does what she wants, when she wants, and no one will be able to change her mind. I shared this a while ago to some of the people during the prayer meeting this afternoon, and they all basically told me to just talk to her about it, but remember to do so in love. 

Man, I really don't like confrontations. But I feel like she needs to hear this. Her education is at stake, and unless she really doesn't care about what happens to her beyond the walls of UA&P after graduation, I suggest she starts catching up with school work and her classes. She needs discipline and she needs focus.

Lord, is this You giving me a place, a person to minister to, indirectly?

Day 27-31: 5 Days of Consistent Good Vibes

It's been such an awesome past few days that I can only give God all the credit for it. Considering how busy this and the past week has been for me, I should be stressed out of my mind. But somehow, God has made a way to keep me calm and to even bring me happiness.

Day 27: The Missions Team Outreach

I think it's funny that I am now a part of a ministry that was one of the reasons why had to break up (thinking that I wouldn't support him, that I don't have the heart for it - little matters). And it's not like I intentionally joined the Missions Team, or joined it for any reason other than to interact with kids really. But I just laugh at the irony of events now. 

This outreach happened just a few days ago, on Saturday at UPD. Like I said, I had a lot of things to do over the weekend, and I still have plenty things to do now, so it really was surprising that I was quite the happy little girl that Saturday morning. I don't know. Probably because I was looking forward to helping out in the outreach the entire week, or getting to play with those kids. But I was, and what's magical about that day was that it lasted the whole day - even if I did see him.

I just really thank God for that day - for spending time with the children, for spending time with the other volunteers, and for being much too blessed by all of them. I thank God for affirming always affirming me that I am in the right course, that taking up Child Development and Education is the right choice. That day, really was such a gift from God, and it was a day that I needed. After all, we can all remember the time when I slid back and went on pscyho mode a couple of weeks back. Last Saturday, I think, was when I genuinely started to be ok again. Although of course, I'm still trying to be cautious and not make hasty generalizations. I don't want to speak too soon - that I'm fine and well - because I can't really say, at least not right now. But I suppose I just want to be positive about it.

Committing myself to see the glass half-full instead of half-empty. :)

One other thing that made that night particularly awesome was the message delivered by Kuya Dags. :) It was about the vanity of our efforts apart from God; that is to say, our efforts are meaningless without God. Surrender all to Him, lift everything up, and put our full faith and trust in the God who deserves all glory and worship.

Day 28: Question - Would I still have this joy for a consecutive day?

Last Sunday, it was the first time in a long while that I woke up at 9am and not at 5, 6, or 7 - I think ever since summer classes started. And all things considered, I should be happy about it, that I got to sleep for a longer while than I've had since classes started. But. It meant I had to be rushed to get ready to go to GCF - but it wasn't too bad that to put me in a bad mood. 

Waking up that day though, all I could think of was that if I were to have another day filled with good vibes, it might be too good to be true; that something terrible might happen to balance it out. For example, I might see him and realize that all the joy that I experienced the day before was a lie, or worse, all the joy that I found in God when I took refuge in Him meant nothing because my feelings for him are still so great that the pain transcends my emotions and become physical. I worried when I shouldn't have. I worried when there was no certain cause for it. 

God is amazing - iyon lang talaga. It was just an ordinary Sunday, but He knew and gave me what I needed. And it was such a blessing to have had meaningful conversations with Jeff, Parkin, and Minneli. It was nice to know how we're all so secure in our faith in God.

And another awesome day delivered by God - even studying for my Family exam was a blessing from Him. Though there were a few things that I found odd, I was just grateful for the things that I was learning.

Day 29: Good Vibes day 3 - Happiness Despite the Headache-inducing Family Exam

So the dreaded Philosophy of the Family exam came. Why is it so terrifying, you may ask. Well, it is because the exam covers 10 chapters - including those which she did not really discuss in our class - and she will only ask a few questions, all to be answered in an essay form. So please just imagine how much work I had to put brain under - after classes under Dr. Dumol, it has gotten quite lazy. 

But praise God that the questions that came out were the ones that I was certain off and knew well. Though of course, I don't want to assume too much, especially since she's known to fail her students. So even if I knew the answers, I don't want to be complacent - especially since the second part of the exam was worth 60 points. ;_;

Anyway, it should not matter now. It is over, and I really did my best in answering the questions. I was happy I was able to answer and finish everything, after all, exams similar to that one are notorious for being too long. I suppose more than the happiness I found in finishing the exam, I was more surprised that my good vibes, my joy was still with me, and it was already the third day. 

I found my joy in God and I wasn't planning on letting go of it - I will cling to it if I have to. I realized that I never want to feel like crap ever again - that I'm not going to give the enemy any sort of leverage to use against me. I know that I have to forgive, and I sincerely think that I'm on my way towards giving it. I also know that when I finally think that I'm fine, when I'm finally free of having any kind of feelings for him and for this situation, I should make certain of it so that there would be an actual reconciliation made between the two of us. 

I look forward to that day. I am excited for God to heal me completely. 

Day 30: When Classes were Suspended

That in itself will bring anyone good vibes :D It's not that I don't appreciate my classes - but yesterday really felt like I hit the jackpot. Ahehehe. Tuesdays are the heaviest days for me, so when they announced that classes were suspended, it meant that I didn't have my majors, Southeast Asian Studies, and Philosophical Anthropy. Suspension of classes also meant that I didn't have to stay in school until 7:30 pm. Yes, I am quite happy about it.

Also, it gave my friends and I a rather spontaneous chance to just chill and spend time together. That despite getting a mini-lecture from my dad for going out with my friends in the rain, I still managed to be in a good mood. Yesterday was quite amazing, and I thank God for blessing me with great friends.

Day 31: Looking at Old Photos

So I woke up really early today, probably because I slept at around 8:30-ish last night. So I got about 10 hours of sleep, so it's still pretty good :D

And there are a couple of things that placed me in a good mood today:

1. I usually put my iTunes on shuffle. And today, I feel like God was controlling the sequence of the songs that were playing. Why? Well, they were all about Him and songs that talk about His love for me and His faithfulness in my life. :)

2. Usually, this would constitute as a bad idea, but apparently I'm fine. So. I decided to look at old photos - well not too old, just from my friends' debuts last year, and we were still both quite happy. And the idiot in me started with the ones that gave me happier memories. So I started looking through them, and at first there was this slight pang on my chest and I couldn't really look at him. But as I continued to look through the rest of the photos, I felt fine. Like, I wasn't sad or regretful or anything. I was happy during that time and I acknowledged that. What was it that they said... Don't ever regret the things that once made you happy. 

I think that I should be through with feeling regret, that I should just continue on with accepting that things are done. I was happy, I got my heart broken, and now I'm recovering - that God is healing me. I still love him of course - I know it won't leave me right away - but I hope I love him less romantically and more as brothers in Christ. I miss the companionship that I had with him, I miss being his friend, I miss having him as a friend. But I know that I shouldn't rush myself. The time will come when he and I will be able to be friends again.

And I look forward to that day. :)

Day 26: The Difficulty in Forgiveness and the Gratitude for His Word

“Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.” – 1 Corinthians 13:5-6

I think that it’s getting to the point that God is really taking every chance to remind me that I should forgive. I know that I haven’t completely been able to, but I had thought that I was doing so, at least, each day I thought I was getting closer to doing so. I guess God thinks I’ve been stagnant about it? Or worse, He thinks I’ve slick back. And I already know it’s hard – it seems impossible even. I know it’s no walk in the park, but then again, I wasn’t really expecting myself to forgive right away.

I don’t think God’s pressuring me to forgive right away, but I know that it would please Him if I would be able to do so as soon as possible. And right now, I don’t know if I can. I know that God can, I know that He can and will give me all the strength, wisdom, and healing that I need in order to let go and finally be ok with everything.

“Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you therefore to reaffirm your love for him.” – 2 Corinthians 2:7-8

                Reaffirm your love for him? But Lord, I’m trying my hardest not to love him so much. I know that I have to; eventually I know that I’m going to have to be ok with him again, to be friends with him, and to love him as a brother in Christ. I suppose, to this Christian right here, it feels a lot. And right now, it’s a lot of head knowledge a lot less of practically application. It’s overwhelming, the list of things I need to do. If there was a switch that I could use to turn off all the feelings that I have for him, for the situation, I would have it installed in my system immediately. Sadly, there’s none – and hardly any real and difficult things come immediately.

                I suppose right now, I’m just a little bit confused. I know that I have, I need to forgive. And I know that I’m going to have to do it as soon as possible. I just don’t know if I can do it with the immediacy with the Bible requires; with the immediacy and sincerity that God wants.

                Should I rush myself or shouldn’t I?

                What happened to slow and steady wins the race anyway?

Dear Lord, it’s not that I’m complaining. I really am thankful for the way that You are speaking to me now. I really do appreciate You taking the time to communicate Your will to me. And not just thankful Lord, as in, nakakakilig when You speak to me. But I guess it's just never easy to swallow a bitter pill - especially one as big as this. Though I know, that You will prepare me - are already preparing me - to make that decision. I know Lord, that You will not let me do this alone, You will not let me go through this alone. I have You, and that should be enough. Lord, please help me to trust in You completely, fully. I know that You only want what's best for me. Help me let go, help me surrender everything to You - no questions asked. May You just be forever glorified God. In Your name, Amen.

Day 25 + Productive Day

I don't know if I even have the words to begin to say how thankful I am for this day. And all things considered, nothing out of the ordinary even happened today. I spent the entire day being a such a nerd and it's quite surprising that that simple thing was able to brighten me up and lift my mood. 

I am grateful for productivity, for the joy that God has resurfaced in my heart, for the simple things in life, for a nice chat with a friend, and for the way that God speaks to me - for the realizations that He's given me. 

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. --Song of Songs 8:4

It's simple really: Never enter a relationship unless you're certain that you can handle it, certain that it's what God wants, and certain that the significant other is exactly the person that God wants for you. I hope to have had read this all those months ago - I don't know if it would have made much difference on me, but I would love to have known of this passage then. I've made mistakes, I have come to accept that. But I know that what matters more now is learning from them. What was the phrase... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. And I really don't want to reach that point when I'd beat myself a mistake I happened to commit again. 

While having lunch with a friend earlier today, she asked me this question - a bit like role playing. And she asked me, what if he tells me he still loves me and will I please take him back. She said I had this look of tenderness before I said no. I have to admit that it is very tempting to say yes - especially since the feelings are still very much present. But. I am a rational human with free will and capable of choosing and exercising my freedom. And while my heart wants to give in, my rationale, my free will, and my God all tell me to say no should that ever happen. 

Ano ba naman ang laban ko sa Diyos?

I just want to keep on obeying and following my God forever. If I know that it's not glorifying Him, why should I go through with it? I already learned that lesson the hard way, I should think. And right now, I'm just learning to enjoy God, learning to wait upon Him and learning to grow in a closer relationship with my God. That should always, always be my priority.

I looked for the one my heart loves, I looked for him but did not find him. -- Song of Songs 3:1

We shouldn't be the ones chasing after love, we shouldn't even be looking for it. It will come - that is certain. It's all just a matter of how prepared we are when that person comes. And rest assured, everything that happens in our lives right now are purposed for something, each experience is a preparation for something greater. 

You have to admit, it's kind of exciting when God plans your life. :)

Your Love will Light the Way

It's been some months now, and there are still a few things that remind me of him. For example, I don't think I could ever go to cinema house in SM without ever thinking about him and the movies that we saw together. Red Mango brings too much memories, I can't be on escalators without feeling even just a bit of sadness. There are several places that I used to love so much. Now, every time I see them, I just get sad and be regretful. 

So much darkness in those places now. So much darkness in me. 

And it's not the emo kind. It's just that I know I'm not the same girl that I was before. I know that this is supposed to make me tougher and that there will be other trials that would be more difficult than this. But I am certain that no girl would ever wish to get their hearts broken - and I know that I brought this upon myself anyway. 

I sound like a broken record right?

I don't know what else to say - that I feel broken, that I get terribly lonely, that there's not a day that goes by that I wish things ended differently. But I know there's no use in dwelling, there's no use in hoping for what could have been, that there's no fruit in coming up with a different ending. I've accepted of course, that this is what has to be, that this is how it should be. But learning to go with the flow of this feeling - to not fight it, it's difficult. After all, who wants to feel like crap every single day? Instinct tells us to repel it, to find ways to uplift our spirits. But I guess the wisdom in that is that when we ride along with it, it'll be easier somehow. I don't know how, but I suppose it comes with the acceptance.

Right now, I'm just slowly counting on God, slowly becoming hopeful again. I fell down, and I'm choosing to rise back up. That's just life, I think.

Lord, I don't know what will happen, I don't know what the future holds. But I know that you do, and I know that Your light will dispel the darkness.

Of All the Idiotic Things to Do

Why do I allow myself to be masochistic?

So… I googled her. And she has a Fan Page on Facebook. I was mildly amused, but more annoyed and disgusted.

I don’t know why I did that. Maybe to examine her? See if she’s really pretty. And she is. I can’t deny that. She has a pretty smile. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I should walk my talk really. I said I’ d stop thinking about it, about any of them, about the entire thing and just move on. I guess I still wonder what was it about her that got made me hurt like this so much. 

Guh. Under different circumstances, sure. I bet she’s a nice girl. But right now, all I can think about when I see her is that she’s the second major reason why this is happening. [I realize I’m being unfair. But it’s foul what she’s done. She should have backed off. But he he should have stopped seeing her.] 

I don’t even know what I’ll do or how I’ll react if he brings her to GCF or if she goes there. Might do something drastic. I don’t know. 

I realize this is not glorifying God at all. But I am so close to hating the both of them. 

Guh. Neither of you are worth the thinking space in my head.

Good Morning God.

When a relationship ends, your best memories together can become your worst nightmare.

Dear Lord,

I know that each day is a victory, I know that each day that I don’t talk to him, I get closer to forgetting and moving on. Father, You are Lord over my life and I just pray that I will come to love all the things that You have in store for me. You know my heart, Lord. You know that in my heart I still love him - but I long for the day that I no longer do. Father, I pray that You will become the only one I will ever need in my life; that should it ever come to a point that I’ll never have that ‘best man’, I’ll be alright because I know that I have YOU. Father, You know of all the things that I’m going through right now, and of every other girl out there who’s hearts are broken and are feeling totally fragile. Father, I pray for the same thing for all of us - peace, wisdom, happiness and the joy that can only be have in You. Lord, we know - I know - that You are doing amazing things in our lives, and we thank You for that. Thank You for the love and mercies that You’ve continually graced us with. May we never forget about You, may we always love You, and may You always be glorified. In Your mighty name I pray, Amen.

Hating this.

Do you wait until you're sincere about it, before you tell another that you've forgiven them? Or do you forgive them right away after they've apologized, you're not really sincere, but you're just hoping that saying it will somehow make it true?

I'm just. Gah. So confused. I know that I have to, that I need to forgive him and be ok with everything. But it's so difficult. Especially when I feel like he's rushing me to be good with everything. 

Which would God appreciate more, the sincerity or the immediacy of forgiveness? Because let's face it, being human beings, both at the same time is very hard to do - especially when we've been really hurt.

Lord, please speak to me. I don't want to be hurting like this anymore. I need to stop looking back at the way things have been and start moving forward - steadily move forward. Heal me please, all these hurt and pain I'm experiencing right now. I know that in the end You will be glorified. In Your name, Amen.