Failing to Expect the Unexpected

You know how in certain events - maybe in concerts or school plays or maybe even fire drills - the people in charge always tells you: “Expect the unexpected” or “Anticipate the worse and prepare for it”. But you’re not really paying much attention so you take it lightly - you pass it off as trying to stay as alert as possible. You know it, but you don’t really believe that it would happen.

The same thing sort of happened to me this evening. 

Now, I haven’t seen Mr. Ex for almost 5 months now, and I’ve gotten really used to it; comfortable even. Of course, at the back of my mind I knew that it wasn’t going to always be like that, that he’s going to show up eventually. Well, if it weren’t for my being at Fontana on that day, we would have definitely seen each other 2 weeks ago. That I arrived in Ortigas at around 9pm on that day was something of a blessing from God. He knew, without a doubt, that I wasn’t ready to face him (even if I have moved on). 

So when I saw him this evening, I felt as though the wind got knocked out of my lungs (Actually, I don’t know how to describe it. It was generally a weird feeling that settled over me, over my chest). Though, the urge to go to him, run to him, or anything that would make me be close to him was never there. Mostly, I was just thinking, This is so weird. It’s like seeing a ghost from my past. And for the most part, he is - he is my version of ghost of Christmas past. 

Shameful as it sounds, I wanted to run away and hide when I saw him. I was afraid of just encountering him, because you know what, seeing your ex is always going to be weird and awkward (that high 5 in the hallway? Awkward). What’s even more shameful, I actually thought that God didn’t prepare me for it; na parang: O iyan, you’re both in the same place. Deal with it.

But He prepared me, He continued to be faithful while I took His word lightly thinking that I was over that chapter in my life. Throughout the week, God revealed to me, reminded me to just keep on trusting in Him - no matter the circumstance. He reminded me that how we respond to certain situations in our lives will differentiate us. I mean, He set us apart for a reason. At first I was confused because I just kept on thinking, Yeah Lord, I know. I know how to cling onto You when certain things arise.

And to think that I wanted to hide like David did in his Psalms. Despite knowing that I can rely on God, for the first half of the service this evening, I actually failed to remember that I should rely and trust in God. When I skimmed through my devos in my head, and realized that God was preparing me since the week started, I read the passage for today. It was from Psalms 56, verses 3-4 really struck me. It says, 

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I TRUST; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?”

Then I started to be okay after that, I tried to process what was happening and talked to God about it then and there. And I am just thankful that He is such a sovereign God, and I know that it has been said so many times before. Pero sobrang iba talaga ‘pag na-experience mo na hindi ka talaga pababayaan ni God. He knows full well what I can and cannot handle. (And excuse me to be a bit of a nerd here, but God is just the perfect teacher. We have this term called Zone of Proximal Development in CDE. It’s the stage where children do certain tasks that need the guidance or assistance of a mature adult. This week, and especially tonight, I felt God guiding me through everything.)

So the point is, while seeing him today made me lose my footing a little, God was there to assist me in regaining my balance once again. 

I am just in awe of our God. He is universal and personal at the same time; and when you personally experience His love for you, grabe lang ang kilig. He is indeed, worthy of all glory and praise.

Running Reflection

Some people say that when they run, it's like they completely forget everything and leave behind - their problems, their burdens. They focus on running, as though the physical aspect of it, makes up for what they can't figuratively do; to escape and run away from their issues and problems. And I get that, I understand it. For some people, running may be the only time they have for themselves.

I have no idea what happened, but I sort of managed to think about what happened last year and reflected on them.

I've whined about it enough to realize that while I was at that point in my life, I didn't appreciate the way that God was moving and shaping my life. All I thought of back then was how unfair everything seemed - how unfair God had seemed. All I could think about was how much I was hurting, how I thought that I could not possibly handle all of it. I thought that I probably was going to be bitter for a very long time.

The entire situation was a test of faith, when I know that I couldn't hold onto anything temporal, God was the only one who I could turn to. Grace is a gift, and faith even more so. And I guess, I just realized that if God was able to handle death on the cross for our sins, then He can do anything else. All these I-centered thoughts that I had were a waste of time. I realized, I should have spent more time thinking about Him and what He can do to me that what I can do to save myself.

Because no matter what people say (especially the feminists), we just cannot be our own Saviors. We can try, but I think we'll just end up frustrating ourselves more.

So yes, the entire drama from last year made me go through some tough refining, but at the end of it, you just come out stronger. And I'd like to think that I grew so much because of it. I actually think that it's funny how that event in my life turned out to be something that I would be grateful to have. :)

I just feel like the 5-day holiday has gotten a bit much. I need a reprieve... from my own family. I need time alone again.

Does that make me a horrible person?

Scapegoat

“The goat will carry on itself all their sins to a solitary place; and the man shall release it in the desert.” – Leviticus 16:22 

Imagine taking the blame and being accountable for something that you didn't do. Now imagine that, plus the possibility that after having the weight of people’s sins on your shoulders, the consequence for them is absolute banishment. You are no longer allowed to be with your family, not allowed to be with your friends, you have no food, no clothes besides the ones on your back, and no one to be with you. You are, essentially, used for the protection, the safety, and the salvation of everybody else. 

Hard to swallow, isn't it? 

As humans, we are wired to be egoistic – in the sense that, self-preservation comes very naturally to us. We would never intentionally put ourselves in harm’s way, not if we can help it. So while imagining all of those won’t be hard, doing and agreeing to all of them will be quite a feat. After all, saving others at the risk of your own life requires a lot of bravery. 

But what if someone already took the blame for us? What if I told you that because of Him, we dodged a really huge bullet? 

We all know the verse, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life”. From high up in His throne, God knew and saw every little screw ups that we had done, are doing, and will be doing. It displeases Him because all He ever wants from us for us to be with Him, to commune with Him, and to have fellowship with Him. And sin is like the Great Wall of China – it’s a massive obstacle to get to the other side. God saw all of these and knew that the only way that we will ever be righteous in His eyes is if the ultimate sacrifice was made. God knew that all of the world’s sins – past, present, and future – required something more than burnt, sin, and guilt sacrifices. He knew what had to be done. 

Now, I can’t say what God must have felt when the only way for all of us to be forgiven is if His Son was to die. But if it were me, I would be devastated. But He did it because He loves us, tremendously. We were disgusting and filthy in His eyes, but the blood of Jesus cleansed us. He was the ultimate sacrifice. 

He was the scapegoat. 

It’s something that a lot of us have heard so many times, have grown numb and accustomed to this fact because we have heard it so many times. But unless we have an intimate relationship with God, this fact still won’t make any sense to us. 

His perfection covered all of our imperfections. We are insignificant and undeserving, but we are precious in His sight – He wanted to take protect us, and to take care of us. So thank You, Lord. Thank You for choosing to love us, for remaining faithful, and for saving us from ourselves. Thank You for being our scapegoat.

Writing Prompt - Til Death Do Us Part

I’m going to kill him.

That’s what she thinks; plainly, simply. It’s what comes into her mind the moment she smells a scent (a woman’s perfume) on his shirt, and sees red lipstick on his collar - it’s faded and smudged, but it’s there. She’s going to kill him, and then quite possibly hunt the woman down and kill her as well.

But damn if she’s not going to look fabulous while doing it.

And so she goes to their room, grabs and puts on this warm fuchsia toned dress she bought for their wedding anniversary (a few weeks ago; very romantic evening which now seems like a lie). She liked the irony of it - of wearing what was once a celebration of love to the now extremely manipulated and forced culmination of her husband's life.

Well, ex-husband by the end of the night.

The thing is, she had already let slide the first few times that she caught him cheating - they talked about it, had counseling, spent more time with each other. She put in the effort, and for a while it seemed like he was back to falling in love with her all over again. Boy was she wrong. And boy how much he screwed her over; breaking her trust time and time again. This time though, this time it’ll be different. There won’t be any more chances to waste. This time, she takes matters into her own hands.

So she puts on her favorite black pumps, dolls herself up with make-up, and the right accessories. Sprayed on her perfume and some hairspray, and grabs an ax on her way out; the same kind of ax he uses to chop up wood for their fireplace. She grabs her keys, turns on the ignition, and speeds her way to his office.

He’s going to get it, she calmly thought as though she wasn’t planning and eventually about to implement the demise of her husband. This time, he’ll really get it. And that good for nothing woman will go next.

It was a cold fierceness that settled over her. He screwed her over, and now she’s simply returning the favor.

She vaguely remembers their wedding vows. But she knows, remembers, that the end goes something like 'til death do us part'. And she thought that maybe it might a good idea to take that vow literally, and to giver herself the honor of personally killing him. 

'Til do us part, darling. Through your death we shall part.

This Thing Called Integrity

When a leader sins unintentionally and does what is forbidden in any of the commands of the Lord his God, he is guilty. - Lev. 4:22 

If we're already held accountable for our unintentional actions, what more if we committed certain acts with our full knowledge? Unintentional sins are just as grave. Because even if they weren't done on purpose, at some point you realize that whatever the deed was, it was wrong. I'm not saying I'm perfect and that I got this living an integral life in the bag - because I'm not. Just as any other human being in this planet, I mess up. But it's something that we need to realize - Christianity doesn't give us the right to say one thing and act another. Christianity is striving to be like Jesus, that despite our imperfect ways, we continue to strive in order to live like He did. 

So ignorance should never be an excuse. We'll know, when we've done something wrong - when we say something during a heated argument, when we tactlessly tease someone, when we become inconsiderate jerks. Of course, there is something else to be said about people who end up ignoring the warnings instead. Because then they are fully aware of what they are doing, then it's just a rebellion. Besides, if a person already knows that what he or she is doing is wrong but persists with the disobedience anyway, eventually the guilt will eat them up.

Integrity. 

It's not just about being the same kind of person at home, in school, or in Church. It's about standing firm in your convictions - that your actions do not contradict your words. 

Back From the Dead

And I practically was, you know, dead.

Of course, not literally. And of course, this is with a wee bit exaggeration. The gist is, school ate me up and eventually spat me back out. Yeah. It was that kind of relationship with my education this passed semester.

Anyway, I've only got a week and a half left before summer classes start. At first I was kind of peeved at the short break that we're given before we go back to working, but now that I think about it... I think it's better? 'Cause as much as I enjoy bumming around the house, I don't think I'll be able to do it for 2 months. Although, I don't understand why they had to extend summer classes up until the 25th of May though. Plus all these emails and advisories from the school that just makes me feel panicky because I feel like I've done something wrong. Man. I just hope that I'll still be able to go to camp this year.

Spiritually, I've been feeling kind of dry in that area - which can only be my fault since I haven't really been putting in the effort - and I can't help but feel like such a freak and that something's wrong with me. (Which, come to think of it, may not exactly be far from the truth) Actually, I've felt dry ever since things got super hectic with school. I remember hastily committing to Band 3 in Feb that when the time we actually had to lead, I just wanted to go home, rest, and shut everyone out of my world. I guess, I've been noticing that my anti-social side has been getting real spoiled lately. 

I need to take part in the world of the living. Again.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll be heading off to Karen's place with a bunch of other girls for a 'Girls' Day In' and to be honest, I'm excited. I know that I'm not supposed to rely on anyone else besides God for these things, but I hope that being with the girls help me with my relationship with God. 

I wish I would stop treating it as an obligation and just genuinely enjoy experiencing God and sink myself deeper into His Word. 

Oh Lord, I'm sorry I feel this way.