Mandatory Year Ender Post

As I write this, I have neighbors going wild with the fireworks, firecrackers, horns, and all the other loud things commonly found during New Year's Eve. Disclaimer! I won't write about New Year's Eve or how much I dislike the noise it comes along with it. Mostly, this post is about how colorful this year was.

I think, my posts from early this year up until a couple of months back showcase this emotional roller coaster I was on. Was. I thank God because He has delivered me from this. This year has been full of so many challenges, heartbreaks, and tears. I probably cried more this year than I have in my whole existence. I have experienced tremendous pain, but I've also experienced so much blessings and happiness. It was difficult, no doubt about it, but pushing through the pain, learning to depend on my God more, believing that He's got my back 100%.. It's all worth it. 

This year has been such a great test of faith for me. I didn't even think at first that I was going to make it. But God has a funny way of reassuring us that whatever it is, He'll pull us through. I thank God because He is a great, sovereign, and wise God. He knows what He's doing. He had put me through a tough refining, and it's proven me that I am certainly made of tougher things. I didn't realize that I was drifting away from Him until this year happened and He pulled me closer to Him. And if that entailed being a little worse for wear, then it's fine. Because in the end, it's not about us, it's about God.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future -- Jeremiah 29:11

As for 2012, God has placed in my heart the desire to disciple, and a heart for missions - not to be a missionary, but as a support. I don't know what God wants to do with these desires - but I hope He flourishes them into something meaningful. Ever since I started with the discipleship program, I knew for certain that I wanted to be a discipler myself. I pray that God will equip me as I start to disciple. Here I am Lord, send me! As for having a heart for missions, I think that instead of sending me out on the field and being a full time missionary, God has instead, placed a desire in me to play a supporting role. To be more specific, to help the missionaries who have their children with them, and can't really pay much attention to them because of being out in the field all the time. (Well, I don't really know how it works, but I'm all for it as long as I get to work with children.)

It's exciting, I suppose, 2012. I say, bring it on. Whatever 2012 has in store for me, I'm sure that there's something to be learned every single day. Here's to another year everyone. Cheers!

Making Prayer Intentional

Dear Lord, 

I know that they told us that when praying to You, there's this guide or format that we're encouraged to follow: ACTS. I mean, that's how Jesus prayed to You right? But, I wonder. Would it be bad if it were less formal than that? Is there a wrong way or praying to You? Because I kind of feel more comfortable with talking to You as a friend. I know of course that You're God and You require the utmost respect and reverence, but I just think that sometimes, I'm not myself when I follow ACTS.

Do I maybe, have a wrong concept of how my relationship with You should be? If I do, then I'm scared. Dear God, I know that You understand me better than everybody else in the world. So I'm hoping that You aren't taking this the wrong way and that You know exactly where I'm coming from. But as for now, I think I'll just go follow the guide that Jesus said is the way that we should pray.

Heavenly Father, most gracious, loving, and holy - You are a God that is too good: for sending Your one and only Son for us, for loving us, for being the most faithful person that I have ever met. You are a merciful God, but also a Holy God, so dear Lord, forgive me for my shortcomings. I humble myself before You, O God, because I know I have this pride in my heart, and an impatience for all sorts of things. Lord, I know that this does not please You in anyway. So chip these imperfections away dear God. Help me to walk in the way of Your Son, to be more like Christ in all aspects of my life. Father, I actually don't know why I'm irritable towards a person. Maybe I'm envious or maybe I think it's getting to be a bit annoying, so Lord I ask for forgiveness from this. Also, I don't like this other person for reasons that You already know, for reasons that I've already divulged with You, a few others, and most especially with that person. Lord, it's difficult, and frankly, I'm not very successful in it. But I think that the best thing to do for me is to steer clear away from that person and to just remind myself that You also died for them. It's so difficult, Lord, and I know that this is my pride talking now. Break me Lord, if needed be. Take this pride away from me.

Yet despite all of these, I thank You because even as the sinner that I am, You've stuck by me through whenever. And this year, Lord, You have blessed me with quite a year. I am truly grateful for all the things that You've taught me all year round, of the way that You've transformed me - both emotionally and mentally. Lord, I thank You because You made yourself truly known to me this year. I thank You because though You've broken me, You've also made me stronger. And I know with a certainty, dear God, that You can make seemingly impossible things happen. Truly, I am in awe of You.

Right now Lord, I won't ask for any supplication. I just wish and hope to honor and praise You each day.

You are awesome God. In Your name I pray, Amen.

Day 74: Revelation Song; Thankful for Christmas

"Holy, Holy, Holy, 

is the Lord God Almighty

who was, and is, and is to come." 

We've been singing this song for a long time now (or, well... I can't really remember when we started to sing and use this song during services), but I didn't really pay much attention to the title until now. Following Bible 365, although I am a couple of days late, today's devos was on Revelations 1-5 for me. So it just occurred to me now that the reason why they call it the Revelation Song was because they got it from Revelations 4:8 (give me a moment to absorb this. Haha). I always assumed that the reason behind the title was that something was revealed to the songwriters during the process of recording and writing this song. 

Yes, sometimes I amuse myself with my own thoughts and ideas too.

And I think, I just want to meditate on this verse as well as the lyrics of the song. I guess, I'm just realizing how I've taken my relationship with God for granted. We always say how great and how awesome He is, and how much He loves us. But I think that we forget that He is also a holy God - blameless, sinless, perfect. He is everything that we are not. And for an imperfect, sinful, selfish person as myself, it's hard to wrap my brain around the fact that someone like Him would die for someone like me - that a perfect God would send His one and only Son to save me from condemnation. 

Hi friends, this is what Christmas is all about. 

It's the fulfillment of God's promise from all those millenia that has passed. It is also the greatest miracle given the fact that He came out of a virgin - and for some of us who grew up in Sunday School and in traditional Catholic schools, this fact sort of lost its charm after the first 10 lectures. But it shouldn't, it really shouldn't. This fact that may be easy for some of us to overlook is one of the greatest things that we will ever know. He is full God, who became full man (blameless, sinless, but man who was tempted just like us) to save us. I am left in such great wonder by this fact. Are you?

Revelations 4-5 give us the setting in heaven - His rightful place in Heaven, being worshiped and praised. I can't speak for anyone else, but it really excites me to worship Him in Heaven, to praise Him, and to bring further glory to His name for all eternity. 

Hey God, thank You for sending Your son to die for us. Thank You for giving us Christmas, thank You for giving us something to celebrate. You are awesome. 

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! LET'S CELEBRATE THE GOD WHO GAVE US ETERNAL LIFE. CHEERS. :) 

Days 69-73

I think that the past few days have mostly been a blessing, but at the same time, God has been teaching me some things as well. I think this is the first time I'm mentioning it here, but for a little less than a month, the Youth Worship Team rehearsed for a Christmas presentation held last Saturday. 

Day 69: Thursday's Technical Rehearsal

In my last post, I mentioned how I was feeling emotionally terrible last week. I also mentioned the most possible reason for that - which came true on Wednesday. Anyway, I was actually prepping myself to have more bad days, but God gave me a break by showing me the joy in baking. And so I spent most of the day making oatmeal raisin cookies - which I brought to rehearsals that day too.

Jess and I met up before rehearsals for some much needed AP date. It wasn't like our usual conversations, this one was very light - just talking about baking, and family, and what it's like being Chinese. Haha. Before heading back to church though, we decided to go to Watson's first and (I would like to think that this was God's bonus for me) lo and behold, Up Dharma Down was performing at the same mall that we were at and I finally, finally got to see and hear them live. (I was just a few meters away from them!) I took a couple of videos of them - I'd post them here but I just took them with my phone and they're of really bad quality. But it doesn't matter, because at least now, I have the memory of watching them perform live - and I could not stop thanking God for it. As shallow as it seems, this was one of the reasons why my day went infinitely better. 

I won't go into the full details of how rehearsal went. All I'll say is that it was both a blessing and a challenge to serve God with all those who were there that night. It was a long night, everyone was tired and getting caught up in the technicalities of things, but somehow, we still managed to get some work done, and I just thank God that He's the one working in the production. I'm also grateful for Him teaching me to be a bit more patient and not get so worked up by the smallest things - although, I guess I learned the lesson but I just failed to apply it.

Day 70: Prayer Time

There are no words to explain how it feels to just take the time to talk to God and to pray for other people. Mark gave us a time limit of 30 minutes to take the time to pray for at most 5 of us who were there at the prayer meeting. We went over time though, and I think that was okay - because none of us minded that we finished late and I think all of us appreciated the day that we allotted to just commit the presentation to God, and surrender all our worries and anxieties to Him. 

I thank God because He never fails to teach us that prayer - though it is about Him - is for us too. I mean, He is the One who understands us the best; when we're feeling all sorts of things and we don't know how to encapsulate it in a word or a sentence, He already knows it. We've been told that prayer is our way of communicating to God, and it's true. Communication is always the best way to get close to a person - and I think that that's really all what God wants for us.

Day 71: The Sound: A GCF Youth L.I.V.E. Christmas Celebration

If I were to sum this day up in one sentence, it would be that: This day was well worth all the trouble and headache that the people spent on because in the end, it was a day just celebrating God and His greatest gift for all of us. It was a long day - yes, I will be lying if I said that it wasn't. But for the most part, it was just an honor to be serving God, to give back what He's given us, and it was just a pleasure to know that somehow, He was glorified and that people were drawn closer to Him and have committed their lives to Him. 

Though there may have been some difficulties getting there and during the performance, I don't think anyone of us minded them. I think that for the most part, all of us were just joyous at being able to serve Him and enjoyed worshiping Him. All of us had a role to play, and though some things were a far cry from being perfect, we did the best that we could at the time, and I know - well, I hope - that God was pleased with what we had offered Him that night. 

I thank God because He proved to all of us, time and time again, why we do the things that we do. He reminded us of just how great, awesome, sovereign, and amazing He truly is - that though while practically all of us were anxious about at least one aspect of the presentation, God proved that He's got us covered.

Day 72: YGroups Christmas Party/Discipleship with Ate Rhods

Okay, so I don't think I was able to enjoy the Christmas party that day because I was still pretty much tired and sleepy from the day before. My parents and I arrived at Church at around 11am, and I literally just woke up an hour ago, took a shower, dressed and left the house in 30 minutes. Usually, I'd be frantic - for waking up late and rushing to finish everything in a short amount of time but I think that time, I was mostly tired to do or complain about anything. Haha.

I think the Youth sort of went all out for this year's Christmas party. I mean, we had concessionary stands of nachos and siomai, street ice cream, and a photo booth station. :)) And although there was a program and games, I don't think a lot of people were paying attention and participating though - but I doubt the ygroup leaders minded very much. I think everyone was just happy to be there and to have fellowship with each other. 

After the party, I had discipleship with Ate Rhods whom I haven't seen in almost 2 months. 

Here's the both of us , posing and doing dorky faces :D I love my discipler ♥

We had lunch at Hainanese Delights, and sometimes, I think we're not meant to stay at a public place just because we're so loud and we laugh a lot. Like, disturbingly a lot. :)) But we never fail to have deep and meaningful conversations while we're having fun. Come to think of it, I think it was one of the best conversations that we've had this year. She was mostly asking questions that caused me to reflect on the past year, especially of how God has been to me this year. And I guess, despite the things that I went through this year, it made me see just how God was working in my life every single day of the year. He was a real teacher and a true protector. 

The talk that we had made me realize just how awesome God is, and how precious I am to Him (of course, we're all precious to Him). I know that this year, He taught me a lot of things - like depending on Him more, knowing for a fact that He only wants the best for me, being certain that my God is everything that I will ever need.

All the while, You hear each spoken need. Your love is way too much to give us lesser things. (Blessings, Laura Story)

I think, I learned that lesson the hard way, but I'm still grateful anyway. I'm grateful that though I was far from being faithful, my God has always been faithful to me.

Something else to be grateful for, was when Ate Rhods gave me the go signal to be a discipler myself. I'm really excited for this one, because it's one of the things that I truly look forward to. It's one of the main reasons why I wanted to in the discipleship program in the first place. Ate Rhods asked me to pray to God about who I would want to disciple some day, and I'm excited as to who this person that God will reveal to me will be.

Day 73: Destiny's Promise Orphanage

Just this Monday, the Youth's Missions Team went on an outreach as a final activity for the year. It was an orphanage in Taytay, Rizal called Destiny's Promise. It's only been up for a year, so it's not the huge orphanages we see on TV. 

Photo by Oliver Pagulayan

The Missions Team and other volunteers with the social workers and the kids :)

Now, I know I haven't mentioned it before. But the days leading to the 19th have been a little tough for me, emotionally. I was getting a lot distracted during the rehearsals for the worship celebration because I couldn't help but notice that it was getting closer to what would have been the first anniversary. The past few days, I was distracted, and I wasn't really dealing with it. I was also worried about how I would be like - emotionally - on the 19th. 

But once again, God had me covered and that there really wasn't anything I needed to be worried about.

I could not have spent this day any better. It was such a blessing, to play with these children and to, somehow, be able to minister to the social workers as well. It certainly makes me see things in a different perspective, and I've just been blessed that they found joy with each other. And I'm certain that they already consider each other as family.

Thank You, Lord. Thank You for adopting us into Your family and making us co-heirs with Your son. You are just amazing.

It's A Girl Thing

I don't know how many times I've blogged about and during my monthly period. I guess it's when all the emotions are active and I just really need a release for something. 

Furrowed brows, not amused face = GPOY

GPOY GPOY GPOY

So, I hate that everything right now just ticks me off and that I have absolutely no patience for anything. We had rehearsals for the concert on the 17th and I was just so flipping irritable. I suppose it was triggered by people arriving late for practice - which was supposed to start at 2, but the singers started rehearsing at 3. For me, being on time is really important - as a matter of fact, it'll be better if people got in early. But they didn't need to; all that was asked is for them to be there when they're supposed to be there. But I guess it wasn't too bad because I got most of my studying done anyway.

That's not the only thing that irritated me today of course, there was an assortment of them. And it's so easy to dwell on staying mad, frowning, and snapping at anyone who tries to talk to me - but I know that I shouldn't. I know that I should try to smile and cheer up and think of butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns. What makes this more difficult of course is that besides feeling like I want to kill something right now, I also feel super ugly and fat, and really vulnerable. This, of course, is very dangerous. Especially since vulnerability has the tendency to make me do stupid things - like maybe text a certain someone and just rant to that person. So I consider it a miracle that I still have the self-control not to reach for my phone and do just that. (I mean, we were friends and he was one of my best friends that I knew I could rely on when things go crappy on my end) 

Everyday is a challenge, today more so. 

Oh God, I know there was a reason why you made me into a girl. When I see, this is one of the questions I will ask - why do girls turn into an evil witch at certain times of the month? Love You always, Alyssa.

p.s. I'm not even on my monthly yet - this is just me, PMSing.