Day 16

There are so many things that I'm thankful for today. :) Today was a full day. Ahe. 

For any other person, today would have been perfect. And I suppose it practically is, I don't know. I guess that feeling is back, or it's just one of those days. Anyway, I am thankful for having attended the Global Day of Prayer today at church. I was a bit hesitant at first, because I didn't know if there would be anyone I know who would be going as well. But a couple of people from the youth were there and we got gather around and pray for the country and all the Filipinos - both here and abroad. It was a blessing as well, seeing and hearing the response of all these people, coming before God and praying to Him. It was inspiring for me to witness that, especially since I know my prayer life still needs a lot of work.

I also had AG with the girls today, had lunch with them. I've never actually had an accountability group before, barely had an accountability partner that I had constant contact with. I'm just feeling so blessed right now, and so amazed by God's timing that He brought us all together now when most of us are experiencing the same situations. I really do believe that God made us each other's support system. I don't know, maybe it's a girl thing, like Ian said, but I guess girls are more prone to huddling together and talking about problems. In any case, I am still thankful that it pushed through since it almost didn't. I'm thankful that each one of us took the time to meet with each other and catch up with each other. 

I'm also thankful for making the choice to attend the 'How to do Your Devotions' seminar. It was a reminder of a lot of the things that I already knew, but I was also able to learn different things as well. Especially through the passaged that we took up today; Psalm 1. This passage talked about righteousness and depravity, and of course, learning how to do my devos properly. Mostly though, I'm thankful for the sermon or message tonight. If anything, God really has perfect timing. Today, the sermon was about Forgiveness. It was unexpected, but it was something that I welcomed nonetheless. I suppose because I knew that I had to, that it was God's way of pointing me in the right direction and answering my prayers. After all, I was the one who told Him that I wanted to be able to learn how to forgive, that I really don't want to be mad anymore. So tonight was an answered prayer.

It's just really difficult though. Especially since forgiveness requires more than just reconciliation, that the offended should be able to look past the sin of the offender, reconcile with them and restore the relationship back to its original condition - prior to the falling out. In Filipino - parang walang nangyari. There lies the difficulty. Especially since I remember everything, and it's just difficult to let it go, right now at least. Just. Eh. I didn't feel like God was pressuring me naman to forgive Him right away. I know that He understands how difficult it must be to forgive another person, but I feel like it's a little push in that direction. 

Today, I was able to pray for him again after everything that had happened. I remember someone saying, I think it was Paster Narry who said this, that the moment you're able to pray for the person who has offended you, you've forgiven them. Now I know that with me, that's not really the case yet. I still haven't been able to forgive him completely, I mean each day I think I'm making progress. But I don't want it to be the case that I prayed for him because I still have feelings for him. I mean, I do, but I didn't pray for him because of that. Honestly, despite all the crap that he pulled on me and a bunch of other people, I just wish that he won't forget his relationship with God just because a lot of people are mad at him. It's not cool to sabotage your relationship with God, ok? Not cool.

I want to forgive you, I really do, and I think I'm making small progress now. But in order for me to do that completely, I still need to forgive myself. And that's a whole other mess I need to deal with. 

Day 15

Have you ever made the distinction between joy and happiness?

I'm certain that most of us have always thought the two words to be synonymous to each other. It's understandable of course, both words convey the same basic feeling, that is happiness. In camp (well, I think it was in camp), it was mentioned - I forget who - that happiness is a bit more temporal while joy is deeper than that, that joy is eternal. At least, that was what I understood of it. 

Happiness is experienced when, for example, a really good thing happened and so it makes one really happy. But it's temporal in the sense that should something happen that puts one in a terrible mood, then the 'happy feeling' is gone (and gosh do I sound so much like a Dante student right now. :| ) As for joy. Well, joy lasts longer. A person can have joy whether they're happy or not. I mean, it's still a bit hazy for me, but the gist is there... ish. I guess, what really separates happiness from joy is that with joy, choice is present. Meaning, you choose to be joyful, to look at things in a different way, to see the good in things. 

It's a choice, being joyful. And it shows a person's strength of character, I think. After all, only a strong person is able to be joyful despite the misfortunes and hurt that he goes through. 

Today, I'm thankful for this joy that I have. Given everything that has happened, all the things that I had experienced, and should it happen to any other person, they probably would have made them an excuse to be sad and depressed. I'm not going to lie, I was quite the emotional mess when all this first started, I daresay that you are a witness to that, dear reader. I should right? I should be mad and hurt and angry all the time, and I mean, I am, but not in the destructive way. I'm still all those things, but I think they're slowly shrinking and I realize that I'm finding some joy in the situation that I'm in right now. Today almost felt like I was high on something. Just. You don't need drugs or whatever to make you feel high or happy. It's just God.

I know that it doesn't come from me, this strength, this joy. I can't ever credit it to myself. While I made the conscious effort to be happy, to make myself accept the way that things are, this strength really doesn't come from me. It comes from God - as everything else in this world comes from Him. I'm just so grateful for it, I'm so grateful that He believes in me, that He loves me. 

His love will complete me, it will give me the strength to forgive. I'm getting there. Malapit na.

Day 14

Have you ever had an epiphany? You know the kind. When you had a question in mind, but couldn't find an answer for it at that specific moment. Then all of a sudden, as though you've been struck by lightning, you have an ever so clichéd light bulb moment. Then you realize that at that moment, you found your answer and everything makes sense. I just had one of those moments. In the bathroom. After bathing. While washing my... delicates. I can't credit myself for this, of course. It was God, it's always God that deserves the credit.

So right, while washing my underthings - I'm sorry, of course, if this is too much information for you, reader - I figured that God really does know me, from the inside out. I mean, we all say that, so much so that the phrase probably lost some of its meaning. But I just realized that God knows me so much that he knows the only way I'll learn is if I experience it for myself. He knows I'm stubborn as heck, and that I'd probably not listen to warnings from other people - which I didn't. Now though, at least I know He's given me a great wake-up call. This whole debacle wasn't just to show me what kind of a person he really is. I believe that it's God's way of letting me learn for myself what kind of men I shouldn't be dating. 

And it's not just that. I know I practically did everything wrong - from keeping it from most of the people I knew, especially going behind my parents' back about it. In my head, I think what God has been saying is that, Now that you know what not to do, will you now listen to me and follow what I know you should be doing? 

This is what we would call, Educating in Freedom, in education. People gave me all the warnings, but in the end it was still my free will that got me into this mess, and so it is my free will that decides to stick this one out and learn from it. It's just so ridiculous that the one thing I thought I was smart enough to avoid, happens to me. It's funny, in a sad and quite pathetic kind of way.

I'm still hurt and mad, I suppose - and if I'm being completely honest, I miss the person that he was with me. Although, how much of that was true, I really don't know. But I'm not in rage anymore, so I'd say I'm making progress towards the goal - that is of course, feeling absolutely nothing for him and being able to forgive him. So I'm just trying to be thankful for the small things that make a huge difference. I'm thankful for this small epiphany from God. I'm thankful for songs that make me smile. I'm thankful for movies that can make me cry because of something other than hurt and sadness, for movies that can make me giggle like a little girl. I'm thankful for the little manifestations of God's love in my life.

I know that there's still a lot of things to cover, and that there's a long road ahead of me, but there's progress, and that's all that I'm really thinking about. 

Each day is a victory, each day I get closer to giving out forgiveness.

But I wish you the best, I guess

Because we agreed that we’re not going to contact each other, I’m saying this here instead. And maybe finds its way to you.

While I’m still mad at you, I know that nobody deserves to feel like an outcast. We all make mistakes, and I’m sorry that you really took the brunt of my anger - even if it was justified. I don’t take joy in your pain, as I hope that you don’t take joy in mine. 

As I’ve told you, it really will take me a while to forgive, and maybe an even longer time to trust you again. But please know that I would never wish any misfortune to settle over you. I still want you to grow - both as a person and as a Christian. You keep saying that you want to focus on God; panindigan mo. Work with that desire, given that it really is what you want, that you’re sincere about it.

Although I probably still won’t be able to face you or look you in the eye, and I’d most definitely still get hurt if you decide to rub it in my face that you like someone else now, know that I’m sincere in just wishing you the best. I’m not going to force myself to be ok, or to act like everything’s fine and dandy. In time though, I will be able to be civil with you again. 

Continue to pray, pray for healing and for forgiveness - for the both of us. Alam ko naman na hindi lang ako ang nasasaktan. 

I believe that I’ll be able to move past this, that God will give me the strength to forgive you in His time. 

Breathe in, breathe out. One day, I’ll be able to look you in the eyes again. One day. No rush.

Day 13 + the Compulsion to Blog in Filipino; or part of it.

Hindi ko maiwasang isipin na ang daya, na ako na nga itong nasaktan, ako pa 'tong kailangang umintindi. Bakit, nung sinaktan ba niya ako, inintindi niya kung anong mararamdaman ko, kung anong kalalabasan noong mga ginawa niyang kalokohan? Oo, galit ako - galit na galit. Paano ba namang hindi? Nagsinungaling, nanloko at tinraydor niya ako. At ngayon, kailangan ko siyang patawarin, dahil bilang isang Kristyano, kailangan magpatawad - lalong-lalo na sa mga taong nanakit sa atin. Dahil isa ito sa mga utos ng Panginoon. 

Pero ang hirap-hirap lang.

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered but I think it's about FORGIVENESS. -The Heart of the Matter, India Arie

[I will speak in English now]

For several weeks now, I've been so angry all the time, all that anger directed at just one person. I know that my anger is justified, but I also know that there's a proper way of handling that anger - and it's not in telling every person that I get a chance to talk to of the things that he did to me. Thank you Najee Chua for reminding me of this, for keeping me grounded. I know that I shouldn't let my anger get the better of me, that I shouldn't let my anger take a hold of my life and the way that I make decisions. The thing is, it really is tempting. 

But I realize, if I really want to get over it, to finally get to that point that I would honestly be able to say that I feel nothing for him anymore - not love or anger - I'd have to let things go, bit by bit. I realized that if I continue to be angry with him, if I continue to let my anger get the best of me, then I'm not truly free. Somehow, he still has a hold on me, like he still controls the way I think and the way that I make my decisions. And I really don't, I'm not interested in having a connection with him - not at the moment, and probably not any time soon. I shouldn't rush myself, but at the same time, I know that I also shouldn't let myself rot in this feeling. 

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. (Psalm 4:4)

As difficult as it is, I just really need to stay calm, to let God take control of everything. In His time, I'll be able to say that I've forgiven him. In His time, I'll be able look at him in the eyes again and say that everything's in the past, that we're fine. But now is not the time, and I'm not going to rush myself. I know that I'm going to have to take it a day at a time. I need to stop thinking about you, and just focus on Him, give Him my time and let Him be the first on my priorities. I need to let Him make me feel whole again, especially since you just made me feel so close to being worthless when you decided to cheat. I need His love to complete me, not yours or anybody else. Wala akong mapapala kung aasa ako sa atensyon o pagmamahal mo. Hindi naman kasi ikaw ang kailangan ko e, si God ang kailangan ko. 

It'll be difficult, I know. I'm not expecting anything less. But I also know that God won't let me go through this alone, I know that in everything, He will be with me.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:!3)

Day 12

Before I get to the gratitude part, I guess I'm just disappointed in myself to so easily forget what I've learned in camp. In camp, I learned - rather, re-learned - that God is in control, of everything; our lives, our situations, our trials. I can't believe that so soon after those four days at camp, I went back to finding distractions on my own, relying on myself once again to feel better, to somehow escape the miserable feeling that inevitably settles over me. And it gets tiring. I mean at some point, I'm just going to keep on hitting rock bottom every time I try to do things my way. 

How hard is it, self? How hard is it to plug into God's word? It's right beside your bed, all you have to do is read it. Why is it such a struggle then? I don't understand why it's so difficult for me to have a consistent walk with God. The desire's there, but the follow through is the problem. Ugh.

Anyway, today I woke feeling confused. It's the second time this week that I dreamt of him. It's been a few weeks since the agreement of not talking to each other, a couple of weeks since I found out about what he did and I just don't understand why I would dream about him all of a sudden. The only thing that I could remember of the first dream was that the whole time he was in my dream, I was holding balloons and the moment I released them, he was gone. My liberal arts education tells me that releasing the balloons somehow signify that I've let him go. But what do I know, I'm not a dream interpreter. And in my dream last night, it was like how we were before we broke up. We were at the mall and he was shopping with me. The sad thing was that by the end of the dream, he had to leave 'cause there was a birthday celebration of one of my nephews. When he left, I was hoping that he would text, but I knew that he wouldn't. 

I don't know, I woke feeling this hope that I knew shouldn't be there. It's over and done with. There's no going back. So why do I still love him despite this anger that I'm feeling? I'm still so far from the goal of just feeling nothing - that whether I see him or not, it won't matter because I feel nothing for him anymore. 

But I thank God for His word. Because I know that I can't do this alone. I can try, but I will fail, miserably - especially if it's not His way. And if there's anything that I need, it's constant support and encouragement from God. 

But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish. (Psalm 9:18)

If I should put my hope on anyone, it's God. He's the only one that's constant, He will never change. He is faithful. And I just thank God for His word, for His faithfulness, for being the awesome God that He is. His justice will never fail. I may feel cheated but it's nothing compared to what Christ had to go through. I thank God that each day He gives me the strength to move on with my life, to function properly, and that He gives me the strength to find the goodness in each things. I'm getting better because of Him and nothing else.

I will set my sights and heart on Him and no one else.

Day 11

Yes, this was supposed to be for yesterday but I fell asleep :|

Half of the barkada watching a horror movie

Today, I thank God for gifting me with wonderful friends. Actually, since summer started, it's always been the five (Jessa left an hour after she arrived) of us that saw each other regularly (because of summer classes) and we haven't really seen the rest. I've missed them quite a lot. :)

I thank God for a day well spent with them, hanging out, catching up and even watching a horror movie, getting scared and laughing at each other together. :)) They've helped me so much this past several months, keeping me company, reminding me how much they care and that they'll be with me no matter what. :) 

I've come to love them so much over the past couple of years that we've known each other. I am much blessed. :)