I have been MIA for the longest time. I blogged thrice for the whole of September - which is really sad, come to think of it. But God has been awesome, without a doubt. I may not write about it everyday, but He makes me feel His love and His presence each day. He has continually sustained me and kept me alive for the weeks that lead to Finals week, and I'm grateful for that. :) So onto the point of this post: 100 days of God's goodness :)
Day 54: Affirmation
You know how sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just sort of end up thinking about what you're not supposed to think about? Well, my memories have been whooping my butt and it's quite common for me to end up thinking about him - the could have, might have, should haves of it all. You know how it is, when all of a sudden, you just sort of start thinking and asking yourself: Would I have been happier if I didn't end things?
So, I decided to do my devos after. I was a day late with the reading assignment for Bible 365, so instead of reading Luke 3-6, I was reading Luke 1-2. God used this verse to affirm me that yes, having separate lives is better for the both of us.
"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?" -- Luke 1:34
I don't think I've shared this here before. But months ago, when Strong and I were still together and hanging out at MOA during a ridiculously long break, he asked me something that is - come to think of it - ridiculous. At that time, this was what he asked me: "Mahal, pano kung mabuntis kita?" (Love, what if I get you pregnant?). Blinded by love at that time, all I ended up saying was, "Edi panagutan mo." (Then take responsibility for it.)
Come to think of it, Mary getting pregnant at that time - out of wedlock and not by her husband - was setting herself up to be the target of people's judgments. Besides this, I'm not entirely sure, but weren't women killed at that time for committing "adultery"? She took a huge leap of faith. She knew that she was simply a vessel, an instrument, and that she was part of something greater. So despite the judgmental looks she was bound to get from people everywhere she goes, she took it because she knew that it was for the greater good and because it was God's will.
Now, contrast that with a "could have been" of my situation. Fortunately, I was able to tell him what I should have told him months ago when he asked me that. When we had counseling 2 months ago, I brought that up and told him that the fact that he even asked me that question just goes to show how much he doesn't know me. I asked him if he seriously thought that I would be the type of girl to let herself get pregnant out of wedlock.
I can't even begin to imagine the cost of having a child at this day, at my age, and without a job. I know that some people are in this situation - balancing work and studies at the same time, and somehow managed to ask their parents for support and that's great. But call it pride, but I really wouldn't want to ask my parents for support for something that I should be responsible for. If I'm going to raise a kid, I want to do it right. I want to be able to raise him or her in a family filled with love, and a family that is dependent on God - not a family that is kept whole by a sense of obligation instead of volition. It would probably kill me if one day my kid comes up to me and asks if his or her dad only stayed because I got knocked up.
I don't want my kid to ever think that, or to think that he's a burden. He is a gift, and that's how he should be treated.
I want kids, 4 at most. But if I were to have them at this point in my life with someone who is still unsure of where he wants to be 5 years from now, and someone who will undoubtedly have a difficult time supporting a family, I might as well just give my kid up for adoption, even if it'll kill me.
So thank You, Lord once again for affirming a God-based decision.
Day 55: Realization
So I caught up with the readings for Bible 365 just now. And seeing as Luke is part of the Gospels, it records Jesus' life and ministry. Which means, for the most part of the reading assignment, it was mostly about Christ performing miracles. If He's not healing the sick, He's casting demons out of the possessed, or He's raising people back to life. And in all of these, not once did He ask the people to DO anything for Him - so that He could heal them, raise them back to life, or exorcise them. All he asked and required of was faith. That's what's most important to Him.
Isn't that how salvation works?
We are saved because we believe in Him, not because of our deeds or our words. We are saved by faith. For us Christians, it means so much more because it just goes to show God's grace. He is gifting us with salvation, He doesn't want works to earn that salvation - he's giving it freely. But, it's just up to us to believe. I guess it's just a matter of asking yourself the question, in the same way that Jesus asked the Pharisess: Which is easier to say; your sins are forgiven or get up and walk? No doubt He can do both - He is, after all, God. But He's not looking for an external change, but rather, something that is internal.
Belief.
One word that is sure to test us, test whether or not we have a true relationship with God.
