Day 24: Also Known As the Birthday + Day 25

Day 24

So remember when I was being negative about my birthday the other day? As it turns out, it was one of the best days that I've had in a long time :) 

See, I would have been satisfied with the greets of those people who really mattered to me, the people I really care for me. But God has blessed me so much that even people I've only started to get to know took the time to greet me. Ok, parang ang babaw. But sometimes, it's the small things that count more :) To be perfectly honest, there's nothing out of the ordinary that happened to me on my birthday. It was just that I got to spend the entire day with my friends - and these people never failed to remind me that I am, in fact, already 20 years old. I have a feeling that they're quite amused with the fact that I am the oldest among us 8, and that I am the first to reach 20 - meaning the first one to no longer be a 'teenager'. 

And I can't exactly rebut them about it. Not because it's immature, but because I already know what they'll say if I told them they'd turn 20 too - Ok lang, mas matanda ka pa rin. Therefore, it is pointless. :)) But they were very sweet - surprising me with a birthday cake like that. I honestly didn't expect the gesture, which made me appreciate it all the more. 

When I was through with all my classes, I had dinner out with my family, and it was nice - both the food and the conversation. I don't know, I guess I'm still hoping for the day that we could all make it a habit to pray before we eat to come. It certainly would have made dinner last night better. I have to pray for this.

When I got home, I just felt all warm and fuzzy on the inside when I saw all those who took the time to greet me. Again, have I mentioned how shallow I am about this? :)) It really is just the small things.

So it wasn't the kind of birthday celebration that I expected - it was, in fact, quite ordinary. But they are my memories and I was just so grateful for all those people who attempted to make 'my day' special. I'm thankful for a God who will always know the best things that would make me smile. I thank God for being the God that He is. I thank God for friends who bring so much joy and happiness into my life, for a family who cares, and for healing. 

Day 25

"It's true, one day, it will be AWESOME again."

This was what my friend told me last night - because a year ago, she was in my position. And it just gives me so much hope. Because over the course of time that I've gotten to know her, I know that she's so much stronger now that she was before. Our conversation last night excited and encouraged me - and up until today I still feel this hope that I will get to the point that I'll be able to say that I feel nothing anymore, only freedom and relief. 

And so today, I'm thankful for this hope that still lives in me. I'm thankful for India Arie's songs especially. I can't believe how much her songs have helped me through this period - how much of her songs practically tell the story of this time in my life, and I just found so much comfort in it.Her songs are one of the reasons why I still feel this much joy in my heart. And I'm just so thankful to God because I know that my being in this disposition right now wouldn't even be possible without Him. There really is nothing impossible for God. And so I leave you with these songs that have encouraged me so much. :)

A Beautiful Day

The Truth

Beautiful Like a Flower

Day 23 + Pre-Birthday Mleh-ness and Other Things

In exactly 2 hours and 30 minutes, I'm turning 20.

*le sigh*

I don't know, somehow, I'm a bit apprehensive of my birthday this year - and it's not just because I won't be a teenager anymore. For some reason, I'm scared of getting disappointed. I don't even know what sort of expectations I have, but after the best birthday - so far - I've had last year, I just get this feeling that tomorrow would be a bit or a huge let down.And it's silly, because I was never the kind of person who looked forward to their birthdays. Growing up, it was just another day for me. The only thing separating it from other days is the dinner celebration I have with my family - because the food is always great. 

Maybe because I know I won't be greeted by that one person tomorrow? Grr. So bad. It still affects me that much. It's just that I know tomorrow's going to be different from last year - I'm just not yet sure whether it's a good difference or a bad difference. I've been told however, to just let God surprise me tomorrow and who knows, I might actually enjoy myself tomorrow. Meh. I need to lower my expectations so I don't get disappointed.

I'm sorry, dear reader for putting a damper on your otherwise happy day - if you did have a happy day. And I'm sorry for sounding and acting like a brat. I know that whatever God gives and brings to me tomorrow, I should just be grateful for it. Hay. Mindset. It's all in the mindset. 

LALALALALALA Tomorrow will be a good day, and I will be happy, and God will let me experience His love all over again. :D

In other news, we were made to attend this talk called West's side of the Story: The Theology of the Body this afternoon. Christopher West is quite the convincing speaker, a bit of the entertainer too. I do commend the delivery of his talk, but while I sat and listened to his points, the uneasiness I felt gradually increased. He said a few things that roused some alarms in my head. And I can tell that he was trying to be really convincing about it, but it's just that every time he tries to quote the Bible - there's some misinterpretation. Like, I'm pretty sure 'Go forth and multiply' is not the first, nor is it the greatest commandment. And it's even taken out of context. Somehow, they've always taken that passage to mean to be fruitful, to have plenty of kids. 

Friends, discipleship kasi tinutukoy niyan, hindi punuin ang buong mundo ng mga tao. 

I don't know. I'm just thankful that I know God's word enough - that I am able to understand it in a way that I know I'm not misinterpreting it. I'm thankful for Bible Study Methods. I'm thankful for equipping classes. I'm thankful for the word and the truth that it contains.

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. -- 2 Timothy 3:16-17

Days 20 -22

I must confess that I haven't spent much time delighting and meditating lately. I know that time really shouldn't be an issue, but school has gotten quite hectic - well, the schedule has gotten hectic - and often times, I immediately collapse on the bed when I get home from my 7:30am-7:30pm class. So here I am now, trying to catch up on blogging and my devos.

Day 20, Saturday:

I really think there's a lot to be thankful for for this day. Band 3 led worship that night and it was great to serve God, it's something that I would always love to do. But it's not just that. He apparently volunteered his services and was one of our sound technicians for the day. Some of my band mates already knew about it since rehearsal last Thursday - I didn't know since I wasn't able to go. It was a surprise for me for course, especially when I felt that I really wasn't ready to be around him just yet. I don't know. But I guess it was God's way of telling me that I'm going to have to get used to having him around after the whole thing and just learn to live with it. Guaranteed, there's going to be awkwardness, but I feel like, unless I try to be even slightly ok about it, I'm always going to feel awkward around him.

And we were. We really were. We'd pass by each other and not say a word, we sat at the same table and not even talked to each other. Although we were civil, it was weird, and the entire time, all I could think of was that it was just too weird. But, I don't know. God has other plans. 

Before service was about to start, he asked if we could talk - and I believe I was good enough to have a conversation with him at that time - and so I agreed. Leading worship was a bit of a challenge that night, because I kept losing my focus on God. And so after the first half of Prayer and Praise night, I asked God to keep my gaze fixed on Him and no one else. 

So we talked after worship, it was weird - for me at least - and I really wanted to be cautious of my feelings and be wary of what I said. And we apologized to each other - him for the things that he did and for the way that he apologized for them the first time, and my being a part of the reason why a lot of people are mad at him in the first place. We were civil, and at least I could be proud of that. I also told him not to speak to me first because I am still healing, and I am scared that speaking to him right away would be such a waste of all the effort I put in just to get to this point. I told him that I don't exactly know when I can tell him that I'm fine, that I'm not harboring any bitterness towards him anymore. 

I'm just really thankful that every day, there's progress being made; each day I get closer to finally being totally fine about everything.

Day 21, Sunday

Although I should mention that I should be thankful for my dad because it was Father's day - and I am - that's not the one I'm thankful for, exactly. He made it quite difficult actually, he was quite the moody father last Sunday and most of us were just trying to be careful not to upset him more.

What I am thankful for for that day is my time spent with my discipler. I'm thankful for her words of wisdom and for fierce love for all of her disciples. I'm thankful for the way that she cares for all of us - how she gets upset when we hurt but still reminds herself to stay objective. I hope to one day have a relationship with God similar to hers - the intimacy of that relationship with God.

Day 22, Monday

I'm thankful for my relatives who care. Just this Monday, I really wasn't in the best of moods. The entire day, I just felt really lonely and needed someone to talk to. I don't know. I keep getting those bad days, and I really don't want to anymore. I thought I was done with those miserable feelings, and I guess I'm wrong. There's still some of it that remains. 

But I'm thankful for an aunt who cares and who was concerned about me. We talked about heart aches and heart breaks and she told me to open up to my parents about those things too. I'm still scared of course. Because I know my mom, and I know how she reacts to these kinds of things. And well, I'm still treading on thin ice around my dad so I don't know. 

But there. Not having the most awesome of weeks - and the week just started - but I know that God will sustain me, and that He will make everything alright. 

Day 19

"Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may  fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever."

-- Psalm 77:25-26

I need to make this quick, I have an early class tomorrow. :(

Today, I think God is just reminding me to keep on trusting in Him, to keep remembering that He is in control; that He is the only one I can rely on. I can't rely on others, and I especially can't rely on myself. But at least God is there to make sure that everything is in order and that even the mishaps, He controls.

...God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

This verse. It's just so beautiful. I mean, I'm just now learning how to let God's love complete me, for His love to be the only thing to satisfy me thoroughly. He will be the strength of my heart and my portion forever. And right now, right after he just called, I really thank God that He gave me enough strength to resist talking to him for a long time. I don't exactly know what he's thinking, but he's already called me twice this week. And it's just confusing because, wasn't he the one who wanted us to have distance and have little to no communication with each other? What is this then? You maybe over it, over us, but I'm not like you. Give me time, don't rush me and think that we're good when I'm still hurting. Give me a few more months and I'll probably be fine with being your friend again, but not this time.

I'm glad that you can finally go back to school and all - although hopefully for the right reasons and motives, but hey, it's your life - and I know that you don't really know who you can talk to right now, but can you please just try to put yourself in my position for a minute? It's not even the awkwardness that's bothering me. It's the fact that you're making me risk lose everything that I worked hard for the past couple of months just trying to get over you. I know, I need to stop answering the phone when you call. But, please just don't call and I wouldn't have this problem now. Hindi naman kita tinataboy e. Iniisip ko lang din sarili ko. Because I know that if I keep on entertaining your calls, I'll be the only one who'll get hurt again.

The Lord is the strength of my heart and the portion of my soul.

After he called, I really wanted God to speak to me, and I thank Him for doing so through this passage. He gives me strength and His love will complete me; He really is all that I need. I just need to remind myself of that constantly. 

He has my back, He's got me covered.

Day 18 [yesterday]

But as for me, I will always have hope; 

I will praise you more and more

-- Psalm 71:!4

Yes, yes I know this is a day late. I was a tiring day, and I slept at a quarterly to 8 last night. Probably the earliest I've slept. Ahehe.

Reading Psalms 67-72, I've come to realized just how stressed David was - he was constantly asking God for strength and for deliverance of his enemies. If someone were to do that now, they'd probably be considered wimpy by most. But to me, it just shows just how dependent he truly is on God. And really, how many people do we know today that will run to God for all the things that are happening to them, whether good or bad? Sometimes, even when we've been Christians for so long, we tend to forget that there is a powerful God who has our backs, who will never let us go through tough situations alone. 

As for me, I've come to learn this the hard way. 

Head knowledge is quite different from the knowledge - rather wisdom - that we get from our actual experiences. And God has had to make me go through several experiences - each one increasing in levels of intensity - to make me realize that I never have to go through things alone, that even if I find people undependable, I can depend on Him. 

That's what I think this passage is about, actually, even all the other passages that consists of David's asking for help from God. God is in control. He will always be and always have control over our lives, our situations, and our endeavors. And of course it's going to be difficult. As Pastor BJ told us in camp, as humans, it's practically a necessity for us to be in control of something - especially the way things that happen in our lives. But then, it's something that we - myself included - have to practice; letting God be in charge. We are never the masters of fate, nor the captains of our soul. God is, and forever will be. 

That is why I chose that passage that I placed at the beginning of this entry. Because knowing and realizing all of these things, it gives me hope. That all the things that we're experiencing now is just a teaser of God's master plan. I have hope that this thing that I'm going through is just for now. I have hope that I will come out of this situation stronger and wiser that I've been before - and that's because my God believes in me. 

So I'm thankful for this hope, the one that I know only comes from God. I'm thankful that I can place my hope on the One who will always be faithful and constant in my life. Because while it will be hard, depending on Him completely, there's really no other way to it. We have to let go and let God. Just that, when we're faced with difficult situations, we just need to go back to our Bibles and remember His promises for us and talk to Him. Iyon lang naman ang gusto Niya para sa atin e. It's difficult, but we have to try. 

After all, He did die for us.

Day 17 + The Start of this Week's Assignment

"If I had cherished sin in my heart, 

the Lord would not have listened;

but God has surely listened

and heard my voice in prayer.

Praise be to God, 

who has not rejected my prayer

or withheld his love from me."

-- Psalm 66:18-20

I think that the readings for today have a certain coherence, that all 7 psalms assigned today can be synthesized. They have a progression, and although they really are just poetry, to me, they seem to be telling a story. From the fear of getting rejected by God, to asking for his blessing, taking refuge in Him and finally to praising His name and for everything that He is. Today, I relearned and realized just how gracious God really is. Case in point: those verses that I just cited and this thing that I went and am still going through.

It's foolish, not to mention absolutely futile, to hide our sins - or anything really - from God. He already knows them, He knows we'll be doing them, so there really is no point in keeping it from Him. The only thing that would be accomplishing is distancing ourselves from Him - and that is never a good thing. And it made me think back to that time, that time when I was still in that relationship, keeping it from everyone at Church and never talking to God about it. Considering the lies that I told, to cover that entire up, I really didn't expect for God to answer my prayers. (I'm actually glad He didn't. I can't even imagine what got me to thinking that asking Him to reconsider justified my actions) I suppose, at that point I thought that I wouldn't really be surprised if He didn't, and that I deserved being ignored, that God was ignoring my prayers. I guess to me, it made sense.  Alam mo iyong kalokohan na nga iyong ginagawa ko, so malamang di ka talaga papansinin ni God kasi ang sama nga ng ginawa ko. 

But verse 18 started with an 'if' - which states a condition. You know, like, what if. It didn't really happen, but one wonders anyway. So I'm assuming that because God did answer my prayers, gave me the explanations that I needed, gave me the closure that I wanted, that I didn't really cherish my sins? Yes, question mark. I don't know. Because being with him, I enjoyed that, because I did enjoy his company. But the guilt would be there, knowing that even though I was enjoying myself, I was lying and I was disobeying. And I'm just so thankful that God didn't harden His heart on me, or that He ignored me, though He had every right to. But then, that would be humanizing God, when He's not limited like us. That would be putting Him in a box where He doesn't belong, categorizing Him alongside us when He's nothing like us. 

He is God. He is good, merciful, just and loving and so many more. I am thankful for having a God so great, and a God who is worthy of my praise. 

So what does God want me to do? For starters, I think God would appreciate it if I don't keep things from Him. Besides, I really don't need to hide things from Him anyway. There's nothing to be scared of. God appreciates a heartfelt confession more than sacrifices to cover the sin up. He will love me no matter what. I just need to stop kidding myself that God will reconsider, that it's not a big deal. I need to talk to God more about these things. I need to think every little thing that I do through - Will it glorify God?

Haay Lord. You have control over my life Lord. I know You have reasons for why certain things happen in our lives, and that it is by Your grace that you give those reasons to us. Father, I pray that You give me wisdom and the proper attitude to deal with these things. I also pray that You would just keep on reminding me to run to You whenever unexpected things happen, when certain situations are being experienced. Father, You are good, loving and just, Lord. And I put my faith in You. In Your mighty name I pray, Amen.

Day 16

There are so many things that I'm thankful for today. :) Today was a full day. Ahe. 

For any other person, today would have been perfect. And I suppose it practically is, I don't know. I guess that feeling is back, or it's just one of those days. Anyway, I am thankful for having attended the Global Day of Prayer today at church. I was a bit hesitant at first, because I didn't know if there would be anyone I know who would be going as well. But a couple of people from the youth were there and we got gather around and pray for the country and all the Filipinos - both here and abroad. It was a blessing as well, seeing and hearing the response of all these people, coming before God and praying to Him. It was inspiring for me to witness that, especially since I know my prayer life still needs a lot of work.

I also had AG with the girls today, had lunch with them. I've never actually had an accountability group before, barely had an accountability partner that I had constant contact with. I'm just feeling so blessed right now, and so amazed by God's timing that He brought us all together now when most of us are experiencing the same situations. I really do believe that God made us each other's support system. I don't know, maybe it's a girl thing, like Ian said, but I guess girls are more prone to huddling together and talking about problems. In any case, I am still thankful that it pushed through since it almost didn't. I'm thankful that each one of us took the time to meet with each other and catch up with each other. 

I'm also thankful for making the choice to attend the 'How to do Your Devotions' seminar. It was a reminder of a lot of the things that I already knew, but I was also able to learn different things as well. Especially through the passaged that we took up today; Psalm 1. This passage talked about righteousness and depravity, and of course, learning how to do my devos properly. Mostly though, I'm thankful for the sermon or message tonight. If anything, God really has perfect timing. Today, the sermon was about Forgiveness. It was unexpected, but it was something that I welcomed nonetheless. I suppose because I knew that I had to, that it was God's way of pointing me in the right direction and answering my prayers. After all, I was the one who told Him that I wanted to be able to learn how to forgive, that I really don't want to be mad anymore. So tonight was an answered prayer.

It's just really difficult though. Especially since forgiveness requires more than just reconciliation, that the offended should be able to look past the sin of the offender, reconcile with them and restore the relationship back to its original condition - prior to the falling out. In Filipino - parang walang nangyari. There lies the difficulty. Especially since I remember everything, and it's just difficult to let it go, right now at least. Just. Eh. I didn't feel like God was pressuring me naman to forgive Him right away. I know that He understands how difficult it must be to forgive another person, but I feel like it's a little push in that direction. 

Today, I was able to pray for him again after everything that had happened. I remember someone saying, I think it was Paster Narry who said this, that the moment you're able to pray for the person who has offended you, you've forgiven them. Now I know that with me, that's not really the case yet. I still haven't been able to forgive him completely, I mean each day I think I'm making progress. But I don't want it to be the case that I prayed for him because I still have feelings for him. I mean, I do, but I didn't pray for him because of that. Honestly, despite all the crap that he pulled on me and a bunch of other people, I just wish that he won't forget his relationship with God just because a lot of people are mad at him. It's not cool to sabotage your relationship with God, ok? Not cool.

I want to forgive you, I really do, and I think I'm making small progress now. But in order for me to do that completely, I still need to forgive myself. And that's a whole other mess I need to deal with. 

Day 15

Have you ever made the distinction between joy and happiness?

I'm certain that most of us have always thought the two words to be synonymous to each other. It's understandable of course, both words convey the same basic feeling, that is happiness. In camp (well, I think it was in camp), it was mentioned - I forget who - that happiness is a bit more temporal while joy is deeper than that, that joy is eternal. At least, that was what I understood of it. 

Happiness is experienced when, for example, a really good thing happened and so it makes one really happy. But it's temporal in the sense that should something happen that puts one in a terrible mood, then the 'happy feeling' is gone (and gosh do I sound so much like a Dante student right now. :| ) As for joy. Well, joy lasts longer. A person can have joy whether they're happy or not. I mean, it's still a bit hazy for me, but the gist is there... ish. I guess, what really separates happiness from joy is that with joy, choice is present. Meaning, you choose to be joyful, to look at things in a different way, to see the good in things. 

It's a choice, being joyful. And it shows a person's strength of character, I think. After all, only a strong person is able to be joyful despite the misfortunes and hurt that he goes through. 

Today, I'm thankful for this joy that I have. Given everything that has happened, all the things that I had experienced, and should it happen to any other person, they probably would have made them an excuse to be sad and depressed. I'm not going to lie, I was quite the emotional mess when all this first started, I daresay that you are a witness to that, dear reader. I should right? I should be mad and hurt and angry all the time, and I mean, I am, but not in the destructive way. I'm still all those things, but I think they're slowly shrinking and I realize that I'm finding some joy in the situation that I'm in right now. Today almost felt like I was high on something. Just. You don't need drugs or whatever to make you feel high or happy. It's just God.

I know that it doesn't come from me, this strength, this joy. I can't ever credit it to myself. While I made the conscious effort to be happy, to make myself accept the way that things are, this strength really doesn't come from me. It comes from God - as everything else in this world comes from Him. I'm just so grateful for it, I'm so grateful that He believes in me, that He loves me. 

His love will complete me, it will give me the strength to forgive. I'm getting there. Malapit na.

Day 14

Have you ever had an epiphany? You know the kind. When you had a question in mind, but couldn't find an answer for it at that specific moment. Then all of a sudden, as though you've been struck by lightning, you have an ever so clichéd light bulb moment. Then you realize that at that moment, you found your answer and everything makes sense. I just had one of those moments. In the bathroom. After bathing. While washing my... delicates. I can't credit myself for this, of course. It was God, it's always God that deserves the credit.

So right, while washing my underthings - I'm sorry, of course, if this is too much information for you, reader - I figured that God really does know me, from the inside out. I mean, we all say that, so much so that the phrase probably lost some of its meaning. But I just realized that God knows me so much that he knows the only way I'll learn is if I experience it for myself. He knows I'm stubborn as heck, and that I'd probably not listen to warnings from other people - which I didn't. Now though, at least I know He's given me a great wake-up call. This whole debacle wasn't just to show me what kind of a person he really is. I believe that it's God's way of letting me learn for myself what kind of men I shouldn't be dating. 

And it's not just that. I know I practically did everything wrong - from keeping it from most of the people I knew, especially going behind my parents' back about it. In my head, I think what God has been saying is that, Now that you know what not to do, will you now listen to me and follow what I know you should be doing? 

This is what we would call, Educating in Freedom, in education. People gave me all the warnings, but in the end it was still my free will that got me into this mess, and so it is my free will that decides to stick this one out and learn from it. It's just so ridiculous that the one thing I thought I was smart enough to avoid, happens to me. It's funny, in a sad and quite pathetic kind of way.

I'm still hurt and mad, I suppose - and if I'm being completely honest, I miss the person that he was with me. Although, how much of that was true, I really don't know. But I'm not in rage anymore, so I'd say I'm making progress towards the goal - that is of course, feeling absolutely nothing for him and being able to forgive him. So I'm just trying to be thankful for the small things that make a huge difference. I'm thankful for this small epiphany from God. I'm thankful for songs that make me smile. I'm thankful for movies that can make me cry because of something other than hurt and sadness, for movies that can make me giggle like a little girl. I'm thankful for the little manifestations of God's love in my life.

I know that there's still a lot of things to cover, and that there's a long road ahead of me, but there's progress, and that's all that I'm really thinking about. 

Each day is a victory, each day I get closer to giving out forgiveness.

But I wish you the best, I guess

Because we agreed that we’re not going to contact each other, I’m saying this here instead. And maybe finds its way to you.

While I’m still mad at you, I know that nobody deserves to feel like an outcast. We all make mistakes, and I’m sorry that you really took the brunt of my anger - even if it was justified. I don’t take joy in your pain, as I hope that you don’t take joy in mine. 

As I’ve told you, it really will take me a while to forgive, and maybe an even longer time to trust you again. But please know that I would never wish any misfortune to settle over you. I still want you to grow - both as a person and as a Christian. You keep saying that you want to focus on God; panindigan mo. Work with that desire, given that it really is what you want, that you’re sincere about it.

Although I probably still won’t be able to face you or look you in the eye, and I’d most definitely still get hurt if you decide to rub it in my face that you like someone else now, know that I’m sincere in just wishing you the best. I’m not going to force myself to be ok, or to act like everything’s fine and dandy. In time though, I will be able to be civil with you again. 

Continue to pray, pray for healing and for forgiveness - for the both of us. Alam ko naman na hindi lang ako ang nasasaktan. 

I believe that I’ll be able to move past this, that God will give me the strength to forgive you in His time. 

Breathe in, breathe out. One day, I’ll be able to look you in the eyes again. One day. No rush.

Day 13 + the Compulsion to Blog in Filipino; or part of it.

Hindi ko maiwasang isipin na ang daya, na ako na nga itong nasaktan, ako pa 'tong kailangang umintindi. Bakit, nung sinaktan ba niya ako, inintindi niya kung anong mararamdaman ko, kung anong kalalabasan noong mga ginawa niyang kalokohan? Oo, galit ako - galit na galit. Paano ba namang hindi? Nagsinungaling, nanloko at tinraydor niya ako. At ngayon, kailangan ko siyang patawarin, dahil bilang isang Kristyano, kailangan magpatawad - lalong-lalo na sa mga taong nanakit sa atin. Dahil isa ito sa mga utos ng Panginoon. 

Pero ang hirap-hirap lang.

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered but I think it's about FORGIVENESS. -The Heart of the Matter, India Arie

[I will speak in English now]

For several weeks now, I've been so angry all the time, all that anger directed at just one person. I know that my anger is justified, but I also know that there's a proper way of handling that anger - and it's not in telling every person that I get a chance to talk to of the things that he did to me. Thank you Najee Chua for reminding me of this, for keeping me grounded. I know that I shouldn't let my anger get the better of me, that I shouldn't let my anger take a hold of my life and the way that I make decisions. The thing is, it really is tempting. 

But I realize, if I really want to get over it, to finally get to that point that I would honestly be able to say that I feel nothing for him anymore - not love or anger - I'd have to let things go, bit by bit. I realized that if I continue to be angry with him, if I continue to let my anger get the best of me, then I'm not truly free. Somehow, he still has a hold on me, like he still controls the way I think and the way that I make my decisions. And I really don't, I'm not interested in having a connection with him - not at the moment, and probably not any time soon. I shouldn't rush myself, but at the same time, I know that I also shouldn't let myself rot in this feeling. 

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. (Psalm 4:4)

As difficult as it is, I just really need to stay calm, to let God take control of everything. In His time, I'll be able to say that I've forgiven him. In His time, I'll be able look at him in the eyes again and say that everything's in the past, that we're fine. But now is not the time, and I'm not going to rush myself. I know that I'm going to have to take it a day at a time. I need to stop thinking about you, and just focus on Him, give Him my time and let Him be the first on my priorities. I need to let Him make me feel whole again, especially since you just made me feel so close to being worthless when you decided to cheat. I need His love to complete me, not yours or anybody else. Wala akong mapapala kung aasa ako sa atensyon o pagmamahal mo. Hindi naman kasi ikaw ang kailangan ko e, si God ang kailangan ko. 

It'll be difficult, I know. I'm not expecting anything less. But I also know that God won't let me go through this alone, I know that in everything, He will be with me.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:!3)

Day 12

Before I get to the gratitude part, I guess I'm just disappointed in myself to so easily forget what I've learned in camp. In camp, I learned - rather, re-learned - that God is in control, of everything; our lives, our situations, our trials. I can't believe that so soon after those four days at camp, I went back to finding distractions on my own, relying on myself once again to feel better, to somehow escape the miserable feeling that inevitably settles over me. And it gets tiring. I mean at some point, I'm just going to keep on hitting rock bottom every time I try to do things my way. 

How hard is it, self? How hard is it to plug into God's word? It's right beside your bed, all you have to do is read it. Why is it such a struggle then? I don't understand why it's so difficult for me to have a consistent walk with God. The desire's there, but the follow through is the problem. Ugh.

Anyway, today I woke feeling confused. It's the second time this week that I dreamt of him. It's been a few weeks since the agreement of not talking to each other, a couple of weeks since I found out about what he did and I just don't understand why I would dream about him all of a sudden. The only thing that I could remember of the first dream was that the whole time he was in my dream, I was holding balloons and the moment I released them, he was gone. My liberal arts education tells me that releasing the balloons somehow signify that I've let him go. But what do I know, I'm not a dream interpreter. And in my dream last night, it was like how we were before we broke up. We were at the mall and he was shopping with me. The sad thing was that by the end of the dream, he had to leave 'cause there was a birthday celebration of one of my nephews. When he left, I was hoping that he would text, but I knew that he wouldn't. 

I don't know, I woke feeling this hope that I knew shouldn't be there. It's over and done with. There's no going back. So why do I still love him despite this anger that I'm feeling? I'm still so far from the goal of just feeling nothing - that whether I see him or not, it won't matter because I feel nothing for him anymore. 

But I thank God for His word. Because I know that I can't do this alone. I can try, but I will fail, miserably - especially if it's not His way. And if there's anything that I need, it's constant support and encouragement from God. 

But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish. (Psalm 9:18)

If I should put my hope on anyone, it's God. He's the only one that's constant, He will never change. He is faithful. And I just thank God for His word, for His faithfulness, for being the awesome God that He is. His justice will never fail. I may feel cheated but it's nothing compared to what Christ had to go through. I thank God that each day He gives me the strength to move on with my life, to function properly, and that He gives me the strength to find the goodness in each things. I'm getting better because of Him and nothing else.

I will set my sights and heart on Him and no one else.

Day 11

Yes, this was supposed to be for yesterday but I fell asleep :|

Half of the barkada watching a horror movie

Today, I thank God for gifting me with wonderful friends. Actually, since summer started, it's always been the five (Jessa left an hour after she arrived) of us that saw each other regularly (because of summer classes) and we haven't really seen the rest. I've missed them quite a lot. :)

I thank God for a day well spent with them, hanging out, catching up and even watching a horror movie, getting scared and laughing at each other together. :)) They've helped me so much this past several months, keeping me company, reminding me how much they care and that they'll be with me no matter what. :) 

I've come to love them so much over the past couple of years that we've known each other. I am much blessed. :)