Coping Mechanisms

Last night I made a tumblr account.

Yes. I am getting all the distractions I can have.

It was all very therapeutic, calming and very light.

It's very rare that I feel those the past several weeks.

Baby steps, dear girl. Baby steps.

www.tamanasad.tumblr.com

Today

For today's progress report,

2 steps forward, 10 steps back.

I hate this feeling.

Quote

"This too shall pass"

Do I believe this?

I really should. But when you're so focussed on what you see and what you feel at the moment, it's sort of hard to believe in it. Every time I feel like I'm making progress, something happens that catapults me back to where a started. Sort of like when you take two steps forward and one step back. 

Hay Lord. Lost na lost na ko.

Charging on Some Good Vibes

If there really was a bottle of perfume named 'Good Vibes' count on me to have one.

Certified to last all day long.

This picture was brought to you by Najee Chua :)

Brain Space

You really SHOULD be irrelevant to me now. Yet my brain still finds the space to think about you. WHY? I hate this person that you've turned me into. This isn't me. This really isn't me. 

Kung alam mo lang talaga. I bet you never expected that you would have this much of an effect on me - especially this negative of an effect. I should be mad at you. And maybe I am. Maybe that would help me. I don't know anymore. 

I hate how you've made such a mess out of me. 

Realization

Moving on after a heartbreak is a real test of patience. You cannot tell the pain that you feel to go away when you can't bear it anymore. If you say, lumayas ka na ngayon!, you will be met with deafening silence. The pain won't budge unless you've completely dealt with it. 

As I've come to understand and accept, I am FAR from being anywhere resembling 'fine' or 'good'. 

No one teaches you how to deal with a situation like this. What they do, rather, what they tell you to do is to avoid situations like them. What was the phrase... Prevention is better than the cure. But then a heartbreak's sort of like cancer right? If detected earlier, there's a higher chance of preventing it from spreading. There's no known cure, just ways to subdue the cancer from spreading further - like chemotherapy. How apt. To 'cure' a heartbreak, one will first have to feel really crappy. In the end, it doesn't even give a hundred percent guarantee that you no longer have the disease. Heartbreaks are just like cancer - just when you thought it was over, it finds a way to mess with your head and your heart all over again.

Anyway, I digress.

Patience is something that I need to work on. I just never thought that God would give me this situation to work through with time. It seems impossible, but I know I'll get through it. I know that I did the right thing, even though it feels horrible now. I obeyed, and that's what matters.

Heart of the Matter

"I've been trying to live without you now

But I miss you baby

The more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I'd figured out

I have to learn again."

- Heart of the Matter, India Arie

This song speaks to me. Actually, that might be an understatement. This song is yelling at me. This song gives me the hope that this rough patch that I'm going through right now, it's not forever. I worry sometimes, that I might get stuck, and forget to move forward. Songs similar to this one remind me that this is just one part, one aspect of my life. That this is just ONE situation I'm going to have to live through and experience for myself. It may be painful, and it may make me crumble, but I know that He will pick me up and piece me back together. He breaks me so that He might be able to fix me again, fix me in the way that He wants to. 

The past couple of weeks have been the worst of my almost 20 years of existence. Emotional pain is certainly different and worse than physical pain. For the first time in my life, I've experienced pain that made it difficult for me to breathe. Imagine running for an hour or more, imagine catching your breath and panting after a run - that's how it felt like for me, except I never even moved from my bed.

Pain is relative, someone once said. It's hard to explain this pain, and especially difficult to make one understand it. But that's how it felt. It's hard to breathe, a perpetual sadness seems to settle over you, it feels as though someone or something is actually breaking your heart and you feel like dying. Exaggerated? Perhaps. I never thought of dying just to end those feelings, but I did wish to just sleep for long periods of time so I wouldn't have to think. Because thinking and tons of free time was quite possibly the worst combination that I could have had at that time, and sometimes it still is the worst combination now.

But I was told to deal, to grieve and to move on. 

If only doing them were as easy as saying them. But in any case, I have been trying to. Goodness, I don't think I've cried so much within a day. But lately, I've been keeping myself occupied and I've been praying more. I am clear on the fact that I cannot do this alone, and I'm just drawing my strength from Him. I try to surround myself with as much people as possible so I wouldn't have one idle moment. Nights are tough, but by God's grace, I manage. 

Right now, I'm just running on God's grace. I don't know how I could even function without it. 

I know that there is a big possibility that we simply are not meant for each other and that God will give us the people He truly intends us to be with. My prayer is that for when that time happens, we've both moved on, like honest to goodness and truthfully have moved on. I also pray that I will eventually come to accept with no bitterness whatever God plans, that I would learn how to stop hoping that something different might happen. If it happens, then good. And if it doesn't, then it's still good. I have to relearn how to settle for what He wants.

All the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again. 

These things consist of learning how to be alone again, place the focus back to God, and spend more time with different people. 

I still have hope for life, in God. But hope for this one, I'm throwing it out the window. Starting now.