It's been some months now, and there are still a few things that remind me of him. For example, I don't think I could ever go to cinema house in SM without ever thinking about him and the movies that we saw together. Red Mango brings too much memories, I can't be on escalators without feeling even just a bit of sadness. There are several places that I used to love so much. Now, every time I see them, I just get sad and be regretful.
So much darkness in those places now. So much darkness in me.
And it's not the emo kind. It's just that I know I'm not the same girl that I was before. I know that this is supposed to make me tougher and that there will be other trials that would be more difficult than this. But I am certain that no girl would ever wish to get their hearts broken - and I know that I brought this upon myself anyway.
I sound like a broken record right?
I don't know what else to say - that I feel broken, that I get terribly lonely, that there's not a day that goes by that I wish things ended differently. But I know there's no use in dwelling, there's no use in hoping for what could have been, that there's no fruit in coming up with a different ending. I've accepted of course, that this is what has to be, that this is how it should be. But learning to go with the flow of this feeling - to not fight it, it's difficult. After all, who wants to feel like crap every single day? Instinct tells us to repel it, to find ways to uplift our spirits. But I guess the wisdom in that is that when we ride along with it, it'll be easier somehow. I don't know how, but I suppose it comes with the acceptance.
Right now, I'm just slowly counting on God, slowly becoming hopeful again. I fell down, and I'm choosing to rise back up. That's just life, I think.
Lord, I don't know what will happen, I don't know what the future holds. But I know that you do, and I know that Your light will dispel the darkness.
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