It's been such an awesome past few days that I can only give God all the credit for it. Considering how busy this and the past week has been for me, I should be stressed out of my mind. But somehow, God has made a way to keep me calm and to even bring me happiness.
Day 27: The Missions Team Outreach
I think it's funny that I am now a part of a ministry that was one of the reasons why had to break up (thinking that I wouldn't support him, that I don't have the heart for it - little matters). And it's not like I intentionally joined the Missions Team, or joined it for any reason other than to interact with kids really. But I just laugh at the irony of events now.
This outreach happened just a few days ago, on Saturday at UPD. Like I said, I had a lot of things to do over the weekend, and I still have plenty things to do now, so it really was surprising that I was quite the happy little girl that Saturday morning. I don't know. Probably because I was looking forward to helping out in the outreach the entire week, or getting to play with those kids. But I was, and what's magical about that day was that it lasted the whole day - even if I did see him.
I just really thank God for that day - for spending time with the children, for spending time with the other volunteers, and for being much too blessed by all of them. I thank God for affirming always affirming me that I am in the right course, that taking up Child Development and Education is the right choice. That day, really was such a gift from God, and it was a day that I needed. After all, we can all remember the time when I slid back and went on pscyho mode a couple of weeks back. Last Saturday, I think, was when I genuinely started to be ok again. Although of course, I'm still trying to be cautious and not make hasty generalizations. I don't want to speak too soon - that I'm fine and well - because I can't really say, at least not right now. But I suppose I just want to be positive about it.
Committing myself to see the glass half-full instead of half-empty. :)
One other thing that made that night particularly awesome was the message delivered by Kuya Dags. :) It was about the vanity of our efforts apart from God; that is to say, our efforts are meaningless without God. Surrender all to Him, lift everything up, and put our full faith and trust in the God who deserves all glory and worship.
Day 28: Question - Would I still have this joy for a consecutive day?
Last Sunday, it was the first time in a long while that I woke up at 9am and not at 5, 6, or 7 - I think ever since summer classes started. And all things considered, I should be happy about it, that I got to sleep for a longer while than I've had since classes started. But. It meant I had to be rushed to get ready to go to GCF - but it wasn't too bad that to put me in a bad mood.
Waking up that day though, all I could think of was that if I were to have another day filled with good vibes, it might be too good to be true; that something terrible might happen to balance it out. For example, I might see him and realize that all the joy that I experienced the day before was a lie, or worse, all the joy that I found in God when I took refuge in Him meant nothing because my feelings for him are still so great that the pain transcends my emotions and become physical. I worried when I shouldn't have. I worried when there was no certain cause for it.
God is amazing - iyon lang talaga. It was just an ordinary Sunday, but He knew and gave me what I needed. And it was such a blessing to have had meaningful conversations with Jeff, Parkin, and Minneli. It was nice to know how we're all so secure in our faith in God.
And another awesome day delivered by God - even studying for my Family exam was a blessing from Him. Though there were a few things that I found odd, I was just grateful for the things that I was learning.
Day 29: Good Vibes day 3 - Happiness Despite the Headache-inducing Family Exam
So the dreaded Philosophy of the Family exam came. Why is it so terrifying, you may ask. Well, it is because the exam covers 10 chapters - including those which she did not really discuss in our class - and she will only ask a few questions, all to be answered in an essay form. So please just imagine how much work I had to put brain under - after classes under Dr. Dumol, it has gotten quite lazy.
But praise God that the questions that came out were the ones that I was certain off and knew well. Though of course, I don't want to assume too much, especially since she's known to fail her students. So even if I knew the answers, I don't want to be complacent - especially since the second part of the exam was worth 60 points. ;_;
Anyway, it should not matter now. It is over, and I really did my best in answering the questions. I was happy I was able to answer and finish everything, after all, exams similar to that one are notorious for being too long. I suppose more than the happiness I found in finishing the exam, I was more surprised that my good vibes, my joy was still with me, and it was already the third day.
I found my joy in God and I wasn't planning on letting go of it - I will cling to it if I have to. I realized that I never want to feel like crap ever again - that I'm not going to give the enemy any sort of leverage to use against me. I know that I have to forgive, and I sincerely think that I'm on my way towards giving it. I also know that when I finally think that I'm fine, when I'm finally free of having any kind of feelings for him and for this situation, I should make certain of it so that there would be an actual reconciliation made between the two of us.
I look forward to that day. I am excited for God to heal me completely.
Day 30: When Classes were Suspended
That in itself will bring anyone good vibes :D It's not that I don't appreciate my classes - but yesterday really felt like I hit the jackpot. Ahehehe. Tuesdays are the heaviest days for me, so when they announced that classes were suspended, it meant that I didn't have my majors, Southeast Asian Studies, and Philosophical Anthropy. Suspension of classes also meant that I didn't have to stay in school until 7:30 pm. Yes, I am quite happy about it.
Also, it gave my friends and I a rather spontaneous chance to just chill and spend time together. That despite getting a mini-lecture from my dad for going out with my friends in the rain, I still managed to be in a good mood. Yesterday was quite amazing, and I thank God for blessing me with great friends.
Day 31: Looking at Old Photos
So I woke up really early today, probably because I slept at around 8:30-ish last night. So I got about 10 hours of sleep, so it's still pretty good :D
And there are a couple of things that placed me in a good mood today:
1. I usually put my iTunes on shuffle. And today, I feel like God was controlling the sequence of the songs that were playing. Why? Well, they were all about Him and songs that talk about His love for me and His faithfulness in my life. :)
2. Usually, this would constitute as a bad idea, but apparently I'm fine. So. I decided to look at old photos - well not too old, just from my friends' debuts last year, and we were still both quite happy. And the idiot in me started with the ones that gave me happier memories. So I started looking through them, and at first there was this slight pang on my chest and I couldn't really look at him. But as I continued to look through the rest of the photos, I felt fine. Like, I wasn't sad or regretful or anything. I was happy during that time and I acknowledged that. What was it that they said... Don't ever regret the things that once made you happy.
I think that I should be through with feeling regret, that I should just continue on with accepting that things are done. I was happy, I got my heart broken, and now I'm recovering - that God is healing me. I still love him of course - I know it won't leave me right away - but I hope I love him less romantically and more as brothers in Christ. I miss the companionship that I had with him, I miss being his friend, I miss having him as a friend. But I know that I shouldn't rush myself. The time will come when he and I will be able to be friends again.
And I look forward to that day. :)
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