Words are not enough to express the gratitude that I have in my heart right now. I wasn't smart enough to write down the things that I'm thankful for, but I think my memory should serve me just fine.
Day 7:
The night before camp started, I was already having a good day and was so excited for camp to start. But then a friend told me something that night that angered me and all of a sudden, the excitement simmered down. It was painful but at the same time I knew that that pain was nothing compared to the amount of hurt that God had saved me from. He was already being gracious - I knew that I had to experience that pain in order for me to learn. And so when camp day finally arrived, I was initially grateful for the escape that it would provide and at the same time, I knew that God would speak to me in this camp a lot. It couldn't have been more timely of course, discussing Job and his sufferings when I'm going through this tremendous amount of hurt and anger - I knew that it was God's way of talking to me.
And to think that camp almost didn't happen because of a typhoon - which thankfully changed its course. We were blessed with good weather and that was all that mattered.
But that day, I was most grateful for the message and my buzz group mates. That night, we learned that whether you consider yourself a good person or a bad person, you cannot escape suffering - bad things happen to everyone. It may be out of control, but it isn't for God. That to me was really encouraging especially since we, as human beings, are such control freaks. So when something happens that we can't manipulate or avoid, there's nothing else that we can do but put our trust in God and rely on Him. And fact of the matter is, just because we experience horrible situations in our lives, does not mean that we should stop serving and worshiping Him, all the more that we should serve and worship Him because it just shows how awesome He is.
When we gathered with our buzz groups, I didn't expect for all of us to be so candid with each other. I guess, when each and everyone in the group showed their vulnerability, it made all of us feel safe and secure - that we could all trust each other. I was blessed by their courage to disclose a part of themselves, and just as I tried to support and encourage them through their own trials, they've supported, encouraged and comforted me with my own trials. I praise God for all of them.
Day 8:
The very first thing that I was thankful for was that after so long, I was able to have a sincere time with my God. I don't understand how I could have ever stopped doing my devotions and searching for external comfort when He has all the answers and He is the Great comforter.
But I'm also grateful for Pastor BJ's message during plenary - that God doesn't put us through suffering for no reason or only because He's punishing us. God is always in control, always good and will always be glorified. Suffering isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes, we suffer because we've lost our focus on God and that's His way of getting our attentions; at least that was the case for me. I lost my focus on God that I now understand and am so thankful that He loves me so much that He's drawing me back to Him. How is God this great? I am amazed at His awesome.
I was also encouraged by what Pastor BJ mentioned in his message: that God controls even the intensity of our suffering, that He only gives suffering to those who can take it. Kinilig ako, that God believes that I can get through this, that God believes in me. But ultimately, the cause for our suffering is just secondary. Ultimately, we suffer so that God's name maybe glorified. How can that be such a bad thing?
Day 9:
On this day, I was blessed by the message - that God showed me the incorrect way of how I've been dealing with the whole situation. How I've been relying on my own capabilities and on depending on the limited strength of my friends, when really, all I really had to do was depend on Him. I'd forgotten who He was and concentrated too much on the pain and hurt that I didn't see that nothing can surpass God, all of these troubles and emotional stress that I'm having, He can deal with.
I have been rebuked in love, and I am so grateful for it.
I was also grateful for my talk with Ate Chette. I was so scared to talk to her before about it, but I know that she only cares for all of us - and hates it when she sees us hurting. She gave me so much understanding and love even when I really messed up a lot. She took care of me and I'm so thankful for her.
But the matter that I am most grateful for that day was the testimonies given by different people. I praise God for all of them and for having the courage to expose their vulnerabilities and praise items to everyone. I was blessed to see how God worked in all their lives and how He continues to do so. Both old (or as SJay would phrase it, classic) and new timers shared their experiences and their gratitude - including myself. I had the urge to speak, but I was debating whether I should or not. It was, after all, one thing to expose myself to a few people, but to expose myself to everyone - both new and old faces - scared me. But then, if the people who came before were able to do it, certainly God would give me the same strength that they had. And He did.
I was shaking like a leaf of course, practically fessing up to the world. But it had to be told, that yes, I am struggling with it still, but everything that I am today, all the things that I am still able to do, they're all because God has been exceedingly gracious with me. I can never understand why, but because of that same grace, I am able to move forward.
Day 10:
Yesterday, after telling myself that I wouldn't cry over it anymore, I did. I cried on the last song during praise and worship. I don't exactly remember what triggered it - maybe it was realizing how great God's love is for me through the lyrics. But I did, I cried about His love, and the pain that I'm going through that I casted it to God because I knew that I was limited and He's not and He will take care of me. So I am thankful for the release of the heaviness that I felt - there's still anger and hurt in me, but I believe that He will one day be able to grant me that peace I long for.
Another matter that I am surprised about and grateful for was being awarded as one of the many campers of the year. I don't know, I hoped for it but at the same time I knew that there were so many other people who deserved it more than I did. But I am so thankful to have been affirmed and greatly encouraged by the award. [I feel like I should wear it all the time now. o.o :))]
I know that I really have to start making a conscious effort to stay true to my testimony and to avoid backsliding. It'll be difficult, and the enemy will make it a point to make me give up, but my God is stronger and my faith is founded on Him.
I've been blessed so much the past 4 days, and I know that my words can never encompass His greatness, but I hope that my words were enough to comprehend my gratitude and love for Him.
If not for Your goodness, if not for Your grace
I don't know where I would be today.
If not for your kindness I never could say
I'M STILL STANDING
If not for Your mercy, if not for Your love
I most likely would have given up
If not for your favor I never could say
I'm still standing but by the GRACE OF GOD.
No comments:
Post a Comment