Day 4 [yesterday]

So I was supposed to write this last night. But I thought, writing it in such a terrible mood would have defeated the purpose of writing things that I’m thankful for. I mean, I would have been able to put something that I was thankful for, but it would have been laced with so much bitterness and anger and I just didn’t want that. I would have been disappointed in myself later on, to go back to that blog post later, read it and see just how angry I really was. No good. So after an acceptable number of hours, I am now writing about the thing that I am most thankful for yesterday.

See, yesterday would have been the best day that I've had so far since the entire broken heart fiasco happened. I was happy to be able to serve God again, with nothing holding me back, I was free to to just worship Him without feeling guilty about anything. Not to mention that it was so wonderful to have worshiped Him with Band 3 and that everyone was just committed to bringing Him praise and glorifying Him that night. Surround yourself with positive energy, while being positive yourself, will absolutely make you buzz with happiness and just joy to serve Him. 

That would have been the candidate I had for this 100 Days post had the bad news not been revealed to me. 

For the longest time, I've been asking God to let me understand why He wouldn’t allow it for the both of us to be together - I even threw tantrums. Nagtampo ako kay God kasi minsan na lang nga ako humingi ng isang bagay na sobrang gusto ko, ipagkakait pa Niya. Yesterday, I believe God finally told me why it would never work out. When I found out about it, I was hurt and mad - that it almost seemed like the hurt and the anger that I felt last night merged into one being. Most of all, I felt cheated, cheated by the person I invested a year’s worth of feelings on.

I had so many thoughts, most of them violent and assuming things that may or may not actually be true but seems so possible. I knew that they weren't pleasing to Him, all those thoughts that were running through my head, but I suppose at that time I was just relying on myself to make myself feel better instead of asking God to comfort me. 

So I thank God, for finally telling me the reason why it would never have worked. I thank God for showing me really just what kind of a person he really is. At the end of the day, God was just looking out for me, He wants the best for me and I daresay, I deserve the best or at least I deserve someone so much better than him. I thank God that despite my irrational anger towards Him, He never fails to make me feel love, to let me know that He loves me. 

Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the skies. -Psalm 36:5

I’m still hurt, and I think I will be for a while. But this just makes me more determined to move on now. There really is nothing that is holding me back.

Thank You Lord for this, really. Thank You for opening my eyes to this reality.