To You

I miss and love you.

Just thought you might want to know.

David's Prayer

"For the sake of your word and according to your will, you have done this great thing and made it known to your servant." 2 Samuel 7:21

Right now, I wish I had David's attitude with regards to God's will. I know I should be grateful that I know what He wants me to do. But it's just that right now, the pain of having to deny myself overrides that. And ok, I get that that was pretty selfish of me, but my heart is breaking and I don't know what to do. I know that He's sovereign, and I know that He just wants the best for me and there's hope in that. It's just that right now, I want this horrible horrible feeling to go away. 

I think my heart has been spoiled rotten, up until this point, it has been getting what it wants. 

Lord, I really don't want to be ungrateful. But I'm still just learning to depend on You, and to draw my strength from You. Right now, I'm just feeling hurt - and I think it's the worst kind of hurt because it's abstract. At least if it's physical, it stops after a while - and there's a scientific estimate of when it stops hurting. But the pain you feel inside, like your guts have been taken out or like there's a space where heart should be - and yes, I cringed when I typed that. I am ranting, and if I may add, rather incoherently. But if I don't, everything would all just be bottled up inside of me, and no good could come out of that. So I am ranting. Although come to think of it, I have exceeded my expectations of it - at first I thought all I could type was pain, pain, pain, pain. Probably fill up an entire page of just those 4 letters. But I digress. Lord, please just comfort me - comfort us both. We both made the difficult decision to obey you, and to be honest Lord, I am close to regretting that I did. I know You want me to focus on You, and I know that You just want to reveal Yourself to me Lord - I suppose this is the answer I'm getting from You when I asked that I want to know You more. And how could I if I have one mega distraction? But please Lord, please also know that I am sincerely hoping for another chance - a chance to do things right. Please Lord. 

In Your Name,

Amen.

Some Sort of List Part 2

Things that I did today:

• wake up
• watch Julie and Julia
• go to facebook, read through news feed
• cry
• sob
• pray/cry
• pray/cry
• etc. = end of thinking capacity.

Some Sort of List

I have hope that making the right decision, despite the miserable feeling that came along with it, that things will be better.

I have hope that what I did wasn't just for nothing.

I have hope that when I did what I did, God was pleased about it.

I have hope that things will eventually be better between us.

I have hope that there's someone out there that would be perfect for him, the one that he deserves.

I have hope that God's best is somewhere out there, waiting for me.

I have hope that I will eventually know to follow Him with humble obedience.

I know that should I ever lose my hope in Him, He will never stop loving me.