Day 7-10 - Grateful for the Past 4 Days

Words are not enough to express the gratitude that I have in my heart right now. I wasn't smart enough to write down the things that I'm thankful for, but I think my memory should serve me just fine. 

Day 7:

The night before camp started, I was already having a good day and was so excited for camp to start. But then a friend told me something that night that angered me and all of a sudden, the excitement simmered down. It was painful but at the same time I knew that that pain was nothing compared to the amount of hurt that God had saved me from. He was already being gracious - I knew that I had to experience that pain in order for me to learn. And so when camp day finally arrived, I was initially grateful for the escape that it would provide and at the same time, I knew that God would speak to me in this camp a lot. It couldn't have been more timely of course, discussing Job and his sufferings when I'm going through this tremendous amount of hurt and anger - I knew that it was God's way of talking to me.

And to think that camp almost didn't happen because of a typhoon - which thankfully changed its course. We were blessed with good weather and that was all that mattered. 

But that day, I was most grateful for the message and my buzz group mates. That night, we learned that whether you consider yourself a good person or a bad person, you cannot escape suffering - bad things happen to everyone. It may be out of control, but it isn't for God. That to me was really encouraging especially since we, as human beings, are such control freaks. So when something happens that we can't manipulate or avoid, there's nothing else that we can do but put our trust in God and rely on Him. And fact of the matter is, just because we experience horrible situations in our lives, does not mean that we should stop serving and worshiping Him, all the more that we should serve and worship Him because it just shows how awesome He is.

When we gathered with our buzz groups, I didn't expect for all of us to be so candid with each other. I guess, when each and everyone in the group showed their vulnerability, it made all of us feel safe and secure - that we could all trust each other. I was blessed by their courage to disclose a part of themselves, and just as I tried to support and encourage them through their own trials, they've supported, encouraged and comforted me with my own trials. I praise God for all of them.

Day 8:

The very first thing that I was thankful for was that after so long, I was able to have a sincere time with my God. I don't understand how I could have ever stopped doing my devotions and searching for external comfort when He has all the answers and He is the Great comforter.

But I'm also grateful for Pastor BJ's message during plenary - that God doesn't put us through suffering for no reason or only because He's punishing us. God is always in control, always good and will always be glorified. Suffering isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes, we suffer because we've lost our focus on God and that's His way of getting our attentions; at least that was the case for me. I lost my focus on God that I now understand and am so thankful that He loves me so much that He's drawing me back to Him. How is God this great? I am amazed at His awesome.

I was also encouraged by what Pastor BJ mentioned in his message: that God controls even the intensity of our suffering, that He only gives suffering to those who can take it. Kinilig ako, that God believes that I can get through this, that God believes in me. But ultimately, the cause for our suffering is just secondary. Ultimately, we suffer so that God's name maybe glorified. How can that be such a bad thing?

Day 9: 

On this day, I was blessed by the message - that God showed me the incorrect way of how I've been dealing with the whole situation. How I've been relying on my own capabilities and on depending on the limited strength of my friends, when really, all I really had to do was depend on Him. I'd forgotten who He was and concentrated too much on the pain and hurt that I didn't see that nothing can surpass God, all of these troubles and emotional stress that I'm having, He can deal with. 

I have been rebuked in love, and I am so grateful for it.

I was also grateful for my talk with Ate Chette. I was so scared to talk to her before about it, but I know that she only cares for all of us - and hates it when she sees us hurting. She gave me so much understanding and love even when I really messed up a lot. She took care of me and I'm so thankful for her.

But the matter that I am most grateful for that day was the testimonies given by different people. I praise God for all of them and for having the courage to expose their vulnerabilities and praise items to everyone. I was blessed to see how God worked in all their lives and how He continues to do so. Both old (or as SJay would phrase it, classic) and new timers shared their experiences and their gratitude - including myself. I had the urge to speak, but I was debating whether I should or not. It was, after all, one thing to expose myself to a few people, but to expose myself to everyone - both new and old faces - scared me. But then, if the people who came before were able to do it, certainly God would give me the same strength that they had. And He did. 

I was shaking like a leaf of course, practically fessing up to the world. But it had to be told, that yes, I am struggling with it still, but everything that I am today, all the things that I am still able to do, they're all because God has been exceedingly gracious with me. I can never understand why, but because of that same grace, I am able to move forward.

Day 10:

Yesterday, after telling myself that I wouldn't cry over it anymore, I did. I cried on the last song during praise and worship. I don't exactly remember what triggered it - maybe it was realizing how great God's love is for me through the lyrics. But I did, I cried about His love, and the pain that I'm going through that I casted it to God because I knew that I was limited and He's not and He will take care of me. So I am thankful for the release of the heaviness that I felt - there's still anger and hurt in me, but I believe that He will one day be able to grant me that peace I long for.

Another matter that I am surprised about and grateful for was being awarded as one of the many campers of the year. I don't know, I hoped for it but at the same time I knew that there were so many other people who deserved it more than I did. But I am so thankful to have been affirmed and greatly encouraged by the award. [I feel like I should wear it all the time now. o.o :))]

I know that I really have to start making a conscious effort to stay true to my testimony and to avoid backsliding. It'll be difficult, and the enemy will make it a point to make me give up, but my God is stronger and my faith is founded on Him.

I've been blessed so much the past 4 days, and I know that my words can never encompass His greatness, but I hope that my words were enough to comprehend my gratitude and love for Him. 

If not for Your goodness, if not for Your grace

I don't know where I would be today.

If not for your kindness I never could say

I'M STILL STANDING

If not for Your mercy, if not for Your love

I most likely would have given up

If not for your favor I never could say

I'm still standing but by the GRACE OF GOD.

Day 6 - Also Known As the Sudden Epiphany

During the time when things have just ended between him and I, I felt like Bella Swan in New Moon. And yes, I was quite horrified about comparing myself to such a pathetic character. It was horrible of course, feeling so miserable and how each breath you take is painful. The biggest similarity that we both shared was that every day since things ended, I only wanted to take back the decision and be with him again - torturing myself with checking his facebook page out and looking through pictures of us. Yes, it was quite pathetic. 

But that was it.

While she never made any effort to get over him - as a matter of fact, even the moment she got out of her zombie state and started doing things like a normal human being again was in an effort to hear Edward’s voice in her head - I’ve made that conscious decision to get back up and start respecting myself. I made the choice - to be normal again, to go back to my old self when I didn’t need a boy to make me feel loved. To make the conscious effort to be happy again, even if there will be times that it would certainly be difficult - I move forward anyways because I know in the end, it will all be worth it. To know that at the end of the day, this experience will just make me wiser and stronger. 

So just as Harry chose to be in Gryffindor even though the Sorting Hat told him he’d do really well in Slytherin, I choose to move forward, move on with my life because I believe that I deserve to be happy.

Always be happy. Never stop praying. Give thanks whatever happens. This is what God wants for you in Christ Jesus. - 1Thessalonians 5:16-18

Day 5

This was from yesterday, originally posted in tumblr. But, I forgot to cross-post it here. ._.


This will be short. :)

Today, I thank God for reacquainting me with the wonders that a single prayer can do. He has reminded me that even if I unload everything that I feel towards everyone that I know, nothing’s going to change - because people have no power to change the situation you’re in. It’s all in God’s hands. He will keep you safe, only He can make you feel better.

Thank You, Lord. It was a short prayer, but surrendering it all to You is all the best that I can hope for. :)

Day 4 [yesterday]

So I was supposed to write this last night. But I thought, writing it in such a terrible mood would have defeated the purpose of writing things that I’m thankful for. I mean, I would have been able to put something that I was thankful for, but it would have been laced with so much bitterness and anger and I just didn’t want that. I would have been disappointed in myself later on, to go back to that blog post later, read it and see just how angry I really was. No good. So after an acceptable number of hours, I am now writing about the thing that I am most thankful for yesterday.

See, yesterday would have been the best day that I've had so far since the entire broken heart fiasco happened. I was happy to be able to serve God again, with nothing holding me back, I was free to to just worship Him without feeling guilty about anything. Not to mention that it was so wonderful to have worshiped Him with Band 3 and that everyone was just committed to bringing Him praise and glorifying Him that night. Surround yourself with positive energy, while being positive yourself, will absolutely make you buzz with happiness and just joy to serve Him. 

That would have been the candidate I had for this 100 Days post had the bad news not been revealed to me. 

For the longest time, I've been asking God to let me understand why He wouldn’t allow it for the both of us to be together - I even threw tantrums. Nagtampo ako kay God kasi minsan na lang nga ako humingi ng isang bagay na sobrang gusto ko, ipagkakait pa Niya. Yesterday, I believe God finally told me why it would never work out. When I found out about it, I was hurt and mad - that it almost seemed like the hurt and the anger that I felt last night merged into one being. Most of all, I felt cheated, cheated by the person I invested a year’s worth of feelings on.

I had so many thoughts, most of them violent and assuming things that may or may not actually be true but seems so possible. I knew that they weren't pleasing to Him, all those thoughts that were running through my head, but I suppose at that time I was just relying on myself to make myself feel better instead of asking God to comfort me. 

So I thank God, for finally telling me the reason why it would never have worked. I thank God for showing me really just what kind of a person he really is. At the end of the day, God was just looking out for me, He wants the best for me and I daresay, I deserve the best or at least I deserve someone so much better than him. I thank God that despite my irrational anger towards Him, He never fails to make me feel love, to let me know that He loves me. 

Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the skies. -Psalm 36:5

I’m still hurt, and I think I will be for a while. But this just makes me more determined to move on now. There really is nothing that is holding me back.

Thank You Lord for this, really. Thank You for opening my eyes to this reality.

Day 3

Today, I thank God for a day with my brother.

I was supposed to help out a friend at Church, but I wasn’t able to ask permission right away [sorry Phoebe!]. So I stayed at home, watched a movie on my laptop before I decided to go down to eat anything. Ahehe. And although I wasn’t able to help out a friend, I was able to spend it with my brother - reluctantly helping him out with kitchen work. I really do consider it a blessing too since I don’t get to spend much time with my brother nowadays. It was nice, spending that time with him.

I also thank God that just as he uses people to encourage and comfort me during this time, He also uses me to comfort and encourage others as well. ToSJay, I meant what I said. I felt, and still feel the same way too. We feel lonely because we didn’t just lose the ‘relationship’, we also lost our confidantes. I still think that we’re allowed to have those moments when we’re overwhelmed by the feeling of missing them - just as long as we don’t let it consume us. I personally still have those moments, I still think about it and him a lot, but somehow, it gets better. At least, I manage to deal with it better now, unlike how I was a couple of months ago. :) We can do this, we are each other’s support group. I thank God for you and the rest of the AG :)

I laaaaaahve you. ♥

Hay Lord. Ang galing-galing mo lang talaga. :)

Day 2

Today, I’d like to thank God for His faithfulness. See, I never really thought, a couple of months ago, that I would be able to say that “I’m fine” any time soon. Yes, I’m still a long way from being able to say that sincerely, with no heaviness and an honest to goodness real smile on my face. But - and there is quite a big but - I’m doing so much better. And I never imagined that I would be able to say it quite so soon. 

God’s grace - it’s amazing, is it not? :)

And although today didn’t turn out the way that I thought it would be - training and going out with friends - I don’t seem to mind at all. :D And I’m grateful for staying at home, I was able to meet my brother’s friend, who was charming as she was pretty. I wouldn’t have been able to meet her and chat with her for a short while had I gone out. Although, as it turns out, it was going to get cancelled anyway ‘cause one my friends parents’ were making her go home. It was a good day, and God’s grace is an everyday blessing. 

I’m on a steady road to recovery, I think. :) And that really is something to be thankful about. :D

Dear Lord, thank You so much for Your faithfulness. Thank You so much for always making me feel Your love and for letting me know how much You care about me. Grabe lang, Lord. Ang galing-galing mo. Only You can make the seemingly impossible, possible. You gave me strength and will power when I was unsure of myself and You provide, even when I don't ask. You just know, and You are amazing. I love You Lord. Help me rediscover You, my first love. Help me rediscover the love that I have for You. 

In Christ's name, Amen.

Day 1

I am taking saaavi’s advice will now start with the 100 Days as well. That would be, 100 Days of finding something to be thankful for, finding the goodness in each day and being blessed by them.

Today, I praise God that the heavy chest feelings that I usually feel lately since the end of a relationship is gone - at least for today. I mean, I’m uncertain if tomorrow it will be back, but for today, I am happy and so grateful that it’s not there. When the emotional pain that you have suddenly becomes physical, it sort of messes with your head, and ultimately makes you utterly useless. Lying on the bed, doing nothing, trying so hard to breathe steadily - all of these are effects of grieving. But at some point, we have to realize that it doesn’t have to stay like that; that I don’t have to stay like that. 

I meant what I said in my previous post. I need and deserve to be happy and so I will continue to make the conscious effort to be happy, to know that the only reason the skies are grey is because of the clouds - look beyond the clouds and the sky is blue again. :) Heehee.

Dear Lord, thank You so much for today Lord. For letting me feel Your love, for continuing to love me despite my numerous flaws. Accompany me Lord, be with me in every step of this journey, this situation that You’ve gifted me with. You are amazing. 

In Christ’s name, Amen.