Day 51-53 How God Prepares

I've had friends who've told me that sometimes when something unexpected happens to them, natural reaction to the situation would kick in. Eventually however, as they told me, they would realize soon after that it wasn't too bad because God had prepared them for those situations. 

I am blessed to say that God has prepared me for an unexpected encounter last night with How he's been talking to me the past few days.

Day 51: Wednesday

Wednesdays are usually pretty laid back for me. Because it's the University's "free day", I spend most of my Wednesdays at home, do some school work - but mostly catch up on some much needed rest, and have an early morning time spend with God. And it just feels  so good when God is speaking to me clearly. That very distinct kilig feeling because He's talking to me. 

"But have you any right to be angry?" -- Jonah 4:4

It was just something that really struck me. For a few months now, I've stopped considering that I'm still mad or angry - at him or at the situation. I certainly never thought that I was over it - I still don't think that I'm over it. But I thought that I've already gone past the angry stage. But as I've come to realize, just because I'm not raging every few minutes, or just because the desire to inflict the same kind of pain on him is gone, does not mean that I'm not mad at him or at the situation anymore.

Sometimes, something as simple as bitterness can still account for being mad - and certainly something that the devil would be able to use and spur on so that I would get insanely angry again. It's a dangerous thing, this bitterness. But the reason why that verse struck me so much is because I know that I really don't have much of a right to be mad. Yes, he hurt me but that doesn't mean I had no fault in the situation as well. I went against God's wishes so of course there are going to be repercussions, and I need to deal with the consequences.

Besides, getting mad will not help anyone. So I might as well just stop and move on right?

Day 52: Thursday

Just this Thursday, the University's School of Education had its incorporation rites and the Education students had to dress up for the event. Well, it wasn't a formal event, but I had to wear a skirt - and it's the second time that I've worn a skirt to school.

To be honest, it wasn't that spectacular or anything. It was an event that formally inducted us into the SED family, and for the most part, we all had fun. And I just thank God for constantly affirming me that I am in the right course. That night just got me thinking that even though there's not a lot of money in teaching, the financial returns really isn't something that concerns me - I mean, I know that when the time comes, God will provide. In a way, it was fun as well - it was a gathering of people who are ready and happy to serve.

Thank You Lord for putting me this desire to teach and to make a difference.

Day 53: Friday

Yesterday was the birthday of one of my closest friends in college. Somehow though, we weren't able to have a big celebration for her. I mean, we gave her cards and greetings and stuff, but somehow it didn't feel like we made her feel more appreciated on her special day. I do hope though that we made her feel loved enough yesterday.

It was actually a pretty good day yesterday. Went to all my classes, and especially enjoyed the discussion we had for Developmental Psychology yesterday. Topic? Birth Order. And so yesterday, I just realized that I really don't fit the characteristics of the last-born. Interestingly, I fit in on the first-born category more. Or maybe I just really dislike being the youngest in the family? Goodness, I really don't know. :))

After class, I went straight to church for band rehearsals. So, we have more guest band members than actual band 3 members and for what seemed like the first time ever, there were more boys than girls in the band room yesterday. :)) I also had to lead the band devotionals last night, and because Jonah 4 had a huge impact on me, it's the passage that I decided to share last night. I usually get nervous for it, but yesterday, I was just really excited to share what God has been telling me. :)

Speaking of Jonah 4:4, just before I led devos last night, Strong stopped by with Matt at the band room. I've said before that we're trying to be civil with each other right? Well lately, it just feels like I'm the one that's just trying to be polite and civil with him. What I realized last night, when neither of us said hi or whatever, that I can try being polite and civil all I want. But in the end, I'm just going to get frustrated. Ang bastos lang kasi. Babatiin mo tapos wala. I mean, I'm making an effort here. But eh. I resolved with myself last night that if he really doesn't want to, then I'll be fine with it. I mean, I'm through with making a fool out of myself.

And I just thank God for the speaking to me last Wednesday and preparing me for that unexpected encounter with Strong last night. It would have been really easy to get mad and bothered last night, but somehow, I just felt like I'm getting used to it already. :)

Lala. Keep calm and keri lang. My God is in control, He is with me. And that's enough for me.

Day 50: Thank God I'm a Woman

"I cared for you in the desert in the land of burning heat. When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me." --Hosea 13:5-6

Sometimes I think, being a woman is really tough. Every month from the moment we hit puberty, our hormones go on on this roller coaster ride that only our biological chemistry understands. Guys think that it's tough on them - especially those in relationships - to live with or relate to women when they are having their monthly. Well, however difficult it maybe for them, it's still nothing compared to the physical, emotional, and intellectual fatigue that we have to go through for that one week in each month. Sometimes, I even think that our emotions are let lose on that particular time that our minds and bodies are both struggling to keep up with it. 

It's tough to be a woman. But it's tougher to be a woman without God.

I personally think that without God by my side, I'd be crazy by now. The fact that women haven't tried to kill themselves because of the hormonal ride they get every month, I think, is a manifestation of God's grace. Which is why I thought Hosea 13:5-6 to be quite interesting. Taking it as it is, and setting aside for a moment that this is a passage from the Bible, the two verses sound like it's coming from a woman. To be more specific, it sounds like an embittered woman who have been set aside and forgotten after the efforts she placed on something or on someone. 

Looking at it at a human and mortal perspective, it seems like God is complaining - to be more direct, in Filipino parang nanunumbat ang Diyos. And if there was one thing I learned the earlier this year: huwag na huwag kang manunumbat sa mga taong hindi naman nangailangan ng tulong, regalo, o pagmamahal mo. It may seem off to us, but to God, it's totally fair and just. Why? Well, for one thing, He is our God, and as God, He has done so many things for our benefit. But sometimes, we get so blinded by our pride that we fail to see things in God's point of view. For another, God is a perfect and holy God. His understanding knows no bounds, and is a generous God. He gives in the context of what He knows is good for us, not what limitations deem best for us. And as we saw continuously since the beginning of time, God has been generous and faithful to His people. It was His people that continuously sinned against Him.

Kaya patawarin natin si God kung nagtatampo siya at may karapatan naman siya.

So how does this relate to this post's title? 

Well, it's mostly because I thought it was witty. But also because for those two verses, I imagined God to be a woman - but yes, I am perfectly aware that God is a spirit and therefore, does not really have a gender. And in some way, I imagined myself saying it - or at least, felt that I might say it in the future, when, God willing, I have a family or something. I know that at least for that moment, God certainly understands how women feel on a monthly basis - whether it be because of the monster that is our hormones, or a contextual something. That is, to feel insignificant, unappreciated, hurt. 

I thank God for His understanding. I thank God that despite the difficulties that came with being a woman, I am one. I thank God for the countless benefits that comes with being a woman - bringing a child into the world, nurturing a child like a mother would, loving a child like he/she is the only one that matters. 

Lord, I don't really know the point of this post. Ahe. But what I know is, before writing this, I wasn't feeling well - I mean, I haven't been feeling good lately. It's probably because I let myself get distracted by so many things and seek for other things when my security should lie with You. Lord, You know how emotionally tired I already am by everything that has been happening and how I'm afraid my emotions are making me think irrationally. Lord, I know that You are in control and I know that in Your perfect time, I'll truly be alright. I know that my emotions are super wonky right now, but I thank You for them anyway because they came from You - and You are the source of all good. Lord, help me please to glorify You. Help me to just focus on You and on my relationship with You. I wish to grow deeper in love with You. In Your Name I pray, Amen.

warning: this post was written by a highly emotional girl who is on her period.

Day 49: A Humbling Experience

Sometimes, I really need to start walking my talk.

Today, I found out that I've offended another person with the things that I've said. Admittedly, I am tactless and part of the problem with being tactless is not realizing that the words I let go would cause another person harm. It's a lesson learned, I guess - not to broadcast my feelings to the rest of the world. Especially if they're not edifying, I should really just learn how to stop and control myself. It's what I've been telling my other friend, but apparently, I need to it myself too. 

I don't know, I guess, I'm just more expressive of the things that I feel - rather, I'm more vocal about it. 

Protective or not, it's no longer my business - plus, I really don't have any right anyway. I've no position over them. Kaibigan lang ako. And I'm fine with that. I should not nor do I want to impose my will on them anymore because, reality check Alyssa, you are not God. One thing I have to prepare myself for though is the possibility, and maybe inevitability too, that if or when they do end up together, I might spend less time with my friend. And that I might lose her to the both of them - seeing as how the guy is close friends with the ex, and how ex and I can't really hang out together. I don't ever want it to reach the point where she'll feel the pressure or that the need to choose - because I am not that kind of friend. 

Kung darating man sa puntong iyon, mas mabuti nang ako na iyong bibitiw.

Man, I'm really not trying or intending to sound dramatic or whatever - but I think that's how it's ending up to be. ._. Dear AP, I love you and I only want the best for you. But I think, for the sake of our friendship, I will back off from this thing that you have with him. I will only speak when you ask my opinion. For now, I will just commit to being as objective as possible about the entire matter, and keeping quiet unless spoken to about it.

Lord, thank you for this lesson that You've taught me. I know that I can be extremely opinionated, intense, and tactless. Father, I apologize for the way that I've acted and for the things that I've said. I apologize for imposing on something that is not my concern, and for putting my will above Yours. I'm sorry for this seemingly excessive pride that I have. I realize that the reason for my actions is that the issues that I have are still quite fresh. I have issues that I need to fix, and I shouldn't be poking my nose where it doesn't belong. Lord, help me to be more humble, help me to mind my own business. Lastly Lord, I pray that you will teach me to be less judgmental and give people the benefit of the doubt. All these things in Your Holy Name I pray,

Amen.

Random Post is Random

Sometimes, life catches up to you and everything starts to sink in. And for that moment, you feel completely lost. Like all of a sudden, you can’t remember the life you had before everything blew up in your face. And it’s not like you feel sad or anything, just confused, wondering what the next step should be.

So I don’t want to call myself emo. But I guess, I have been emotional lately - but trying really hard not to breakdown. I mean first of all, there really isn’t anything I can do to change the way that things happened. They just did, and yes, I got hurt - plenty. It’s something that I’ve come to accept. Getting used to it however, is something else entirely.

Hm. I don’t know. I don’t even really know what I’m supposed to talk about right now.

I long for that day, I suppose. The day when I’ll finally be free from the horrible feeling, free from being bound to him emotionally, free from thinking about him constantly, and free from still having feelings for him. It’s something that I hope for, and it’s something that I’m certain will come.

I know only God can truly make me happy and joyful, and I believe that. Although, I also know that I’ve got to help myself be happy and joyful as well. Of course, efforts need to be made to have and remain a positive outlook.

I will overcome this :)

Day 48: End of Part I

This will be really short. (Oh, and this is for yesterday. ahehe)

I am thankful that a chapter in my life has officially ended - with closure and understanding that we both needed. I can focus on moving forward once again, taking care of myself once again, and just giving all my attention and focus to God. No more drama, no more problems related to that. It was a hurdle I finally jumped over and now, I really don't need to look back on it anymore.

Anything else I feel towards this is completely my own issues - the tendency to miss him and look for him; ako na iyon. And I know it really would take a while - again - for me to stop feeling those things and start to genuinely feel good about myself, of my own identity. Now, I'm just going to let God fill up all the empty spaces that needs to be filled within me, and I know that I'm going to be alright. I know that this will make me a stronger person, a wiser person capable of making Godly choices. 

I'm just excited to reach that point in my life na sobrang okay na ako, na masaya na ako. 

It's time to look and move forward, it's time to face the future with a smile on my face and God by my side. :)

Day 47: Thankful, All Things Considered

Remember how when you do things your way apart from God, they never work? First hand lesson right here. 

There were a lot of things that could have gone wrong yesterday, and some things that did go wrong. I mean, I'm still pretty much beating myself up for it because it really was just inexcusable and so immature. I mean come on, breaking down right before we were about to lead worship? Who does that? And it's not like anyone did anything to me, I suppose at that time, I just reached the boiling point. With everything that was happening, with everything that I was feeling for the week - I know that it wasn't the right time, but I realize that it was bound to happen anyway. 

I'm just, disappointed in myself I guess, and feeling terribly sorry for the people who had to see me in that state - which is, everyone I guess. And here's the thing, I would just really like to clear it up, I didn't go onstage to show the world that I had been crying and that I'm broken. On the contrary, I went up because I knew that whatever was the cause of the breakdown was coming from Satan and not from God. Feeling rejected, feeling insignificant - those are not from God. I went up because I was reminded of  and believe in God's love for me, and that I had to fight those feelings, those lies from the enemy. I went up because God is the only who's keeping me together.

So I apologize to anyone who have been bothered by my state yesterday, granted, I should have washed my face first or something. Again, I apologize for that.

I am thankful though that despite this, God has been glorified last night. A lot of things could have gone wrong last night - last minute changes in the line up an all - but I believe that God was still worshiped last night and that was what matters. I'm thankful that after that 'episode' everything just sort of went up from there. It was a good time of worship, and it was a good time of fellowship after with the band. I just. My love for Band 3 is... I don't even have the words for it. I thank God now for placing me in this band a year ago, I thank God for the people who are a part of this band, how we help each other, and how we are accountable to each other. Thank you for Angel and Janny who led worship with us, also, I now know more about the two of you thanks to the game that we played last night. :))

Thank You, truly, Lord. I hope that somehow, in my brokenness, Your light was able to shine.

Crying Can Be Healthy Too

If you know me, you know that I really don’t like crying. I think that crying, is a waste of effort, it shows weakness, and it means that there are just some things that I can’t control. I hate crying. I hate the feeling I get that leads to it. But I have to admit that there is an upside to this thing.

Release. Relief. The unburdening feeling I get after I cry.

So, I wasn’t really planning on tearing up today. It was just, I saw a rerun of one of Glee’s episodes (the one where Jean, Sue’s sister, dies) - and it was the part where Sue couldn’t even finish reading her eulogy. The scene where her voice cracks and she started to break down. It was a vulnerable moment - and although I wasn’t going through what she went through, I have to admit that I’m feeling vulnerable right now as well.

Heck. I’m lying on the sofa, crying my eyes out as I type this. I say I’m pretty vulnerable.

In one of our philosophy classes, we learned that your intimacy - your own experiences, pain, joy, etc. - is unique to you. Other people may sympathize, but they can never truly understand and feel the way that you do. Pain is relative - which is why people who go through certain challenges feel alone.

What am I trying to say?

Well, what started out as a stimulus that prompted tears seems to have ended as a means of self-reflection. I know that I am in a vulnerable state. I know that it seems as though all the effort I put to make myself move forward, be productive, and get better had all been for nothing. I mean, I think I’ve beaten myself up for it quite a lot already, and God has been rebuking me in my devotions too. And although I have to learn and start forgiving myself, I’m still feeling shameful and disappointed in myself that I let my guard down.

I wondered what had happened to guarding my heart.

But I know, that deep down in my heart, this will all turn out for the best. Right now, I just keep telling myself that this will be for my benefit as well. It builds character.

“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God.” —Ezekiel 11:19-20

Right now, I just really want to do my best at obeying good - doing and abiding by His will. Because right now, I know that I am in such an ugly place and state in my life - personally, not just with regards to the situation. I was reflecting on myself, and I got scared of what I found. I don’t quite like this person that I’ve become.

I really want to change myself. I really want to be the person that God wants me to be.

There is freedom in obedience, I long for that freedom.