Random Post is Random

Sometimes, life catches up to you and everything starts to sink in. And for that moment, you feel completely lost. Like all of a sudden, you can’t remember the life you had before everything blew up in your face. And it’s not like you feel sad or anything, just confused, wondering what the next step should be.

So I don’t want to call myself emo. But I guess, I have been emotional lately - but trying really hard not to breakdown. I mean first of all, there really isn’t anything I can do to change the way that things happened. They just did, and yes, I got hurt - plenty. It’s something that I’ve come to accept. Getting used to it however, is something else entirely.

Hm. I don’t know. I don’t even really know what I’m supposed to talk about right now.

I long for that day, I suppose. The day when I’ll finally be free from the horrible feeling, free from being bound to him emotionally, free from thinking about him constantly, and free from still having feelings for him. It’s something that I hope for, and it’s something that I’m certain will come.

I know only God can truly make me happy and joyful, and I believe that. Although, I also know that I’ve got to help myself be happy and joyful as well. Of course, efforts need to be made to have and remain a positive outlook.

I will overcome this :)

Day 48: End of Part I

This will be really short. (Oh, and this is for yesterday. ahehe)

I am thankful that a chapter in my life has officially ended - with closure and understanding that we both needed. I can focus on moving forward once again, taking care of myself once again, and just giving all my attention and focus to God. No more drama, no more problems related to that. It was a hurdle I finally jumped over and now, I really don't need to look back on it anymore.

Anything else I feel towards this is completely my own issues - the tendency to miss him and look for him; ako na iyon. And I know it really would take a while - again - for me to stop feeling those things and start to genuinely feel good about myself, of my own identity. Now, I'm just going to let God fill up all the empty spaces that needs to be filled within me, and I know that I'm going to be alright. I know that this will make me a stronger person, a wiser person capable of making Godly choices. 

I'm just excited to reach that point in my life na sobrang okay na ako, na masaya na ako. 

It's time to look and move forward, it's time to face the future with a smile on my face and God by my side. :)

Day 47: Thankful, All Things Considered

Remember how when you do things your way apart from God, they never work? First hand lesson right here. 

There were a lot of things that could have gone wrong yesterday, and some things that did go wrong. I mean, I'm still pretty much beating myself up for it because it really was just inexcusable and so immature. I mean come on, breaking down right before we were about to lead worship? Who does that? And it's not like anyone did anything to me, I suppose at that time, I just reached the boiling point. With everything that was happening, with everything that I was feeling for the week - I know that it wasn't the right time, but I realize that it was bound to happen anyway. 

I'm just, disappointed in myself I guess, and feeling terribly sorry for the people who had to see me in that state - which is, everyone I guess. And here's the thing, I would just really like to clear it up, I didn't go onstage to show the world that I had been crying and that I'm broken. On the contrary, I went up because I knew that whatever was the cause of the breakdown was coming from Satan and not from God. Feeling rejected, feeling insignificant - those are not from God. I went up because I was reminded of  and believe in God's love for me, and that I had to fight those feelings, those lies from the enemy. I went up because God is the only who's keeping me together.

So I apologize to anyone who have been bothered by my state yesterday, granted, I should have washed my face first or something. Again, I apologize for that.

I am thankful though that despite this, God has been glorified last night. A lot of things could have gone wrong last night - last minute changes in the line up an all - but I believe that God was still worshiped last night and that was what matters. I'm thankful that after that 'episode' everything just sort of went up from there. It was a good time of worship, and it was a good time of fellowship after with the band. I just. My love for Band 3 is... I don't even have the words for it. I thank God now for placing me in this band a year ago, I thank God for the people who are a part of this band, how we help each other, and how we are accountable to each other. Thank you for Angel and Janny who led worship with us, also, I now know more about the two of you thanks to the game that we played last night. :))

Thank You, truly, Lord. I hope that somehow, in my brokenness, Your light was able to shine.

Crying Can Be Healthy Too

If you know me, you know that I really don’t like crying. I think that crying, is a waste of effort, it shows weakness, and it means that there are just some things that I can’t control. I hate crying. I hate the feeling I get that leads to it. But I have to admit that there is an upside to this thing.

Release. Relief. The unburdening feeling I get after I cry.

So, I wasn’t really planning on tearing up today. It was just, I saw a rerun of one of Glee’s episodes (the one where Jean, Sue’s sister, dies) - and it was the part where Sue couldn’t even finish reading her eulogy. The scene where her voice cracks and she started to break down. It was a vulnerable moment - and although I wasn’t going through what she went through, I have to admit that I’m feeling vulnerable right now as well.

Heck. I’m lying on the sofa, crying my eyes out as I type this. I say I’m pretty vulnerable.

In one of our philosophy classes, we learned that your intimacy - your own experiences, pain, joy, etc. - is unique to you. Other people may sympathize, but they can never truly understand and feel the way that you do. Pain is relative - which is why people who go through certain challenges feel alone.

What am I trying to say?

Well, what started out as a stimulus that prompted tears seems to have ended as a means of self-reflection. I know that I am in a vulnerable state. I know that it seems as though all the effort I put to make myself move forward, be productive, and get better had all been for nothing. I mean, I think I’ve beaten myself up for it quite a lot already, and God has been rebuking me in my devotions too. And although I have to learn and start forgiving myself, I’m still feeling shameful and disappointed in myself that I let my guard down.

I wondered what had happened to guarding my heart.

But I know, that deep down in my heart, this will all turn out for the best. Right now, I just keep telling myself that this will be for my benefit as well. It builds character.

“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God.” —Ezekiel 11:19-20

Right now, I just really want to do my best at obeying good - doing and abiding by His will. Because right now, I know that I am in such an ugly place and state in my life - personally, not just with regards to the situation. I was reflecting on myself, and I got scared of what I found. I don’t quite like this person that I’ve become.

I really want to change myself. I really want to be the person that God wants me to be.

There is freedom in obedience, I long for that freedom.

Day 46: I Do Believe that God has a Sense of Humor

Whoever said that God doesn't have a sense of humor have obviously never experienced it for themselves.

I always find it amazing when God uses His humor to speak to me, and I find it funny in an ironic, "seriously" kind of way. What I mean is, He has a way of speaking, through messages, that literally have happened in my life. Take yesterday for example. 

Yesterday, I went to Messiah - originally to sit in on the Philosophy class, that ended in staying there for their 'Chapel Time' (went there too early, and agreed to help him with his English stuff in the afternoon). The message yesterday was honoring God through faith and obedience. It was actually a pretty good message, which turned to greatness the moment he reached his last point - which was obedience. This was the example that the pastor gave: suppose God is asking you to give up something - maybe not a sin per se. Maybe God is asking you to give up your boyfriend or your girlfriend because God wants them for Missions at ayaw mong sumama. 

I started snickering at the back, I am not kidding. :)) And really, all I can really say to God is: Yes Lord, thank You always for reminding me of this. I laugh at it now, but I know that deep inside, God really is sovereign over my life and I thank Him for all the things that He's done in my life - especially the past several months. I know that they have made me stronger and caused me to trust in Him more. 

Although things certainly aren't as bad as they were before, I know that I still have a long long way to go before I can say that I am completely over it. I've stumbled, but I continue and will continue to hold on to God for support. 

God has done amazing things in my life, and will continue to do so - my life's journey isn't over yet, after all.

My Prayer for the Day

Father, 

I know that I haven't been really spending much time with You lately, and I know that there's no excuse for that. I'm sorry that I keep telling myself to prioritize my time with You, and I still fail to do so. I apologize for such a lousy commitment of putting You first, always. Things get in the way, but I should really put in more effort into spending more time with You. Lord, You know my heart, and for certain things You already know, I apologize for them. I know better, I know what You want for me, I have come to accept a long time ago, and all I long to do is just obey You. Lord, I ask that You please give me the strength not to stray from the path that You want for me. Lord, please. You know that I am not able to do things alone. Lord, You know that for every time that I try to do things on my own, if I try to do things apart from You, I will fail. 

Lord, You know my heart, You know my desire to follow You. Lord I just pray that I will forever choose to follow You, put You above everything and everyone else.

Lord, I would also like to lift up my sisters in Christ to You, those who've been going through difficult times - whether it be because of school, family, or heart matters, I pray that they (and myself) would always remember to draw our strength from You. You are an everlasting source of strength God, and You never fail. I pray Lord for sustenance and for consistencies in our lives - to be consistent in our walk with You, in growing deeper in love with You. I pray Lord that our faith in You will become stronger with every challenge that You throw our way. Father, I know that You will help us be closer to You. Lord, we will always find our joy in You, we will only be completed by Your love. Thank You Father, for being the God that You are. For being a God who loves, a God who cares, and wants the best for us. 

You are amazing, Lord. 

In Your name I pray, Amen.

Day 44-45 Of Letting the Good Times Roll

Again, this was supposed to be last written last night, but I chose sleep over this. My body has gotten quite greedy with sleep lately... Also, this might be really short because I'm cramming this before I leave for school. :))

Day 44: The Last of Us to Turn 18

Last Saturday, one of my friends just turned 18 [the reason why I'm putting an emphasis on this is because we're already in our 3rd year and she just turned legal. So young. o.o] and to celebrate, we spent the day over at her house chilling. And I suppose in a way, it's also a relaxing day that we all needed, and not just to celebrate her coming of age. The past couple of weeks have been stressful with reports, projects, papers, and midterms, so her birthday really was the perfect time to unwind. 

I'm just really thankful for my friends; these people who I feel I can really be myself with - I mean, it's not like I have split personalities or whatever, it's just that I feel really comfortable with them, practically soul mates with them. I realize that's kind of a weird thing to say, but that's exactly how it feels with me, like we all have similarities with each other. And with the risk of sounding like a freak and a nerd at the same time, the seven of them would be like my horcruxes (only I didn't have to kill seven people to split my soul into seven fragments), I see a part of myself in all of them. 

So although I did something during that day that I felt completely guilty of, I know now that I've been forgiven of it. I talked to God about it, and I know that I should just remember my convictions, stay true to what I believe in, and just continue to honoring and serving God with my words, thoughts, and actions. 

Birthday girl in pink :)

Day 45: Spreading the Good Vibes

(Bullet points na lang, I'm running out of time :)))) )

Things that I was grateful for yesterday:

1. Discipleship with Ate Rhods - always a plus, always makes my day better :D
2. Worshiped with the Children's Ministry yesterday morning, and
3. Spent some time with friends listening to the message after, standing at the back of the auditorium because there literally was no seat left.
4. Finally, my dad took me shopping. :))

Ok, so I will maybe expound on these later when I get home. But as for now, I've to go! Ahihihi Good morning everyone, let's all be sensitive to what God will say and do to us today :)

Day 43: How God Answers Prayers

All I can say is that, I've been asking God to guard my heart, double time too, since just this Sunday, and I know that the reason why none of the plans that I was supposed to have today worked out was because of Him. Here's the thing, we're friends - but I still get the feeling that this decision would backfire on me. Why? Because I still have feelings for him, so even if we're 'just friends', there's always going to be the risk that I'll get attached to him all over again. 

So today, I was supposed to go to school, study, have lunch with a friend, and then go over to Messiah College to sit in on a philosophy class. God's answer to my prayer of guarding my heart - rain. Because it rained, and rained especially hard today, I was forced to stay at home today (after getting the readings for a class). I had to reschedule meeting up with a friend, and my plans of sitting in on a philosophy class remained as they were - plans. Which meant that the problem of seeing him, going to Messiah for possibly the wrong reasons have been solved. 

I refuse to be sad about this - rationalizing and over thinking about where he maybe or what he's doing - I just know that my God knows me so well, He knows my heart so well. God knows that we're being too comfortable with our newly reconciled friendship, which entails so many risks - one of which includes getting my hopes up all over again. And I believe that by making me stay at home, He's protecting me from this. 

I know that to some, being friends with the very person who's hurt you the most is an impossibility - I mean, I thought that once too - but I know that there's nothing impossible with my God. No glitch, no setbacks are too big for Him. I recognize that this journey isn't over yet, this getting over him thing, but I know that each day, I'm getting there. I pray that each day, I'm loving him less and loving God more; depending on him less and depending on God more.

Lord, You know my heart. You know that I only desire to be Yours, for You to be in control of my life. Father, I know that You are more than capable of protecting my heart, protecting my entire being from getting harmed, and I trust in You, Lord. Thank You, Lord, for knowing me from the inside out, that You give solutions that are specific to our needs, solutions that show just how much You know us. Father, I know that You are all that I would ever need, and that I should never feel incomplete again as long as You are in my life. Father I pray for every other girl out there who's going through the similar situations such as myself, and who are having a far worse time than I am. Lord, I know that You will heal, comfort, and empower them to do the right thing, what is most pleasing to You. I am forever grateful for Your love, Lord. In Your mighty name, Amen.

Day 42: Just the Small Things

I'm just thankful for a a quiet time spent with my dad. I know that I've been complaining a lot about him lately, how he and my mom may have separation anxiety issues, but I know when to be a grateful child. I know my dad can be quite overbearing sometimes, that he'd really rather be the one to pick me up and drive me to any event of my life. Today, it wasn't as though I was even expecting him to watch with me, I mean, it was only 2pm then when he picked me up, so I thought that he'd go back to work after dropping me off at home. So it really was a surprise when my dad said he'd be the one to bring me to the movies and watch HP7 :')

Ok, it seems really shallow, but it's been painful to be a fan such as myself and only see this movie 3 weeks after it's release. It's kind of shameful ok? :)) BUT. Better late than never, so I really am so happy that I finally, FINALLY saw this movie. Even though I never wanted it to end, even though I cried like a baby watching it, even though this movie meant the end of my childhood - it was the best time I've had in a long time. Thank You Lord, for giving us this day, thank you papa for bringing me to watch this movie, thank you Jo Rowling for the most magical 10 years of my life. 

Papa, thank you for spending some time with you today, a day that neither of us are too stressed or are on edge. :) Thank you for everything, for being a great provider and a good father. :)

This is my wish: "May your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth rejoice!" -- Proverbs 23:25


I wish that I bring joy to my parents by being their daughter. :)

P.S. Lord, please still continue to guide my heart. The risk is always there, but I know that that risk is nothing compared to how great you are. Guard my heart and let You be the one that I will always put first. In Your Name, Amen.

Day 41: Of Unexpected Things

So I was supposed to do this last night, but I fell asleep. Ahe.

It's still a bit... surreal - I guess is the word I'm looking for - that things between him and I are sort of fine now. That is to say, we're both fine and I think ready to strike a slow friendship all over again. Which is the surreal part, I suppose. Because I don't think a lot of people can say that they're honestly on good terms with their exes and are actually friends with them. Although, please still expect this girl to be cautious of this friendship and to let God guard her heart always.

I don't think I'll go into the full details of how our talk went here, but it was just peaceful, I guess. At least, I was peaceful after. And we sort of fell into an easy friendship - like nothing happened between us. For example, he was looking through the pictures that I have in my iPod and all of a sudden he goes "Ang taba mo pa dito." So, kamusta naman di ba? 

I'm just thankful that things are starting to be ok again, that we're trying to reconcile with each other at least. I'm thankful that God answers prayers, or at least He listens. I'm grateful for how yesterday went and how much of a blessing everyone was but I still pray that this cautious friendship that we're having now, won't make me stumble. 

Just friendship.

There will be no muling ibalik moments. 

Lord, please, please, please, guard my heart for me. You know that I won't be able to do it alone. In Your name, Amen.