Heart of the Matter

"I've been trying to live without you now

But I miss you baby

The more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I'd figured out

I have to learn again."

- Heart of the Matter, India Arie

This song speaks to me. Actually, that might be an understatement. This song is yelling at me. This song gives me the hope that this rough patch that I'm going through right now, it's not forever. I worry sometimes, that I might get stuck, and forget to move forward. Songs similar to this one remind me that this is just one part, one aspect of my life. That this is just ONE situation I'm going to have to live through and experience for myself. It may be painful, and it may make me crumble, but I know that He will pick me up and piece me back together. He breaks me so that He might be able to fix me again, fix me in the way that He wants to. 

The past couple of weeks have been the worst of my almost 20 years of existence. Emotional pain is certainly different and worse than physical pain. For the first time in my life, I've experienced pain that made it difficult for me to breathe. Imagine running for an hour or more, imagine catching your breath and panting after a run - that's how it felt like for me, except I never even moved from my bed.

Pain is relative, someone once said. It's hard to explain this pain, and especially difficult to make one understand it. But that's how it felt. It's hard to breathe, a perpetual sadness seems to settle over you, it feels as though someone or something is actually breaking your heart and you feel like dying. Exaggerated? Perhaps. I never thought of dying just to end those feelings, but I did wish to just sleep for long periods of time so I wouldn't have to think. Because thinking and tons of free time was quite possibly the worst combination that I could have had at that time, and sometimes it still is the worst combination now.

But I was told to deal, to grieve and to move on. 

If only doing them were as easy as saying them. But in any case, I have been trying to. Goodness, I don't think I've cried so much within a day. But lately, I've been keeping myself occupied and I've been praying more. I am clear on the fact that I cannot do this alone, and I'm just drawing my strength from Him. I try to surround myself with as much people as possible so I wouldn't have one idle moment. Nights are tough, but by God's grace, I manage. 

Right now, I'm just running on God's grace. I don't know how I could even function without it. 

I know that there is a big possibility that we simply are not meant for each other and that God will give us the people He truly intends us to be with. My prayer is that for when that time happens, we've both moved on, like honest to goodness and truthfully have moved on. I also pray that I will eventually come to accept with no bitterness whatever God plans, that I would learn how to stop hoping that something different might happen. If it happens, then good. And if it doesn't, then it's still good. I have to relearn how to settle for what He wants.

All the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again. 

These things consist of learning how to be alone again, place the focus back to God, and spend more time with different people. 

I still have hope for life, in God. But hope for this one, I'm throwing it out the window. Starting now.