Taking a Break

from Tumblr.

Of course, I don't know how long I'll last without going through my dashboard but I think it's needed. Maybe I'm overreacting, I don't know. But I just spend way too much time there - way too much time online actually - and I feel like it's eating my life away. I could do so much more if I'm not on it all the time. Plus, I'm becoming a war freak, and that's always going to end bad. 

And to think Pastor BJ just told us the one and only situation that we're allowed to get mad. 

I just don't get it, I guess. When did saying the truth - that if majority of the people in the world engaged in same sex relationships, human population will decline - merit being called a homophobe? I guess, I just don't understand what they're fighting for. Humans are humans, that's basically it right? You have your human rights and your civil rights - regardless of sexual orientation. Deal with it. But I'm not condoning homophobia or bullying or abuse towards homosexuals. 

So I'll take a break from all of that. Spend some more time with God and on self-reflection, and to steer away from anything that would potentially cause me to get mad again.

Day 54-55: Realizations, Affirmations

I have been MIA for the longest time. I blogged thrice for the whole of September - which is really sad, come to think of it. But God has been awesome, without a doubt. I may not write about it everyday, but He makes me feel His love and His presence each day. He has continually sustained me and kept me alive for the weeks that lead to Finals week, and I'm grateful for that. :) So onto the point of this post: 100 days of God's goodness :)

Day 54: Affirmation

You know how sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just sort of end up thinking about what you're not supposed to think about? Well, my memories have been whooping my butt and it's quite common for me to end up thinking about him - the could have, might have, should haves of it all. You know how it is, when all of a sudden, you just sort of start thinking and asking yourself: Would I have been happier if I didn't end things? 

So, I decided to do my devos after. I was a day late with the reading assignment for Bible 365, so instead of reading Luke 3-6, I was reading Luke 1-2. God used this verse to affirm me that yes, having separate lives is better for the both of us.

"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?" -- Luke 1:34

I don't think I've shared this here before. But months ago, when Strong and I were still together and hanging out at MOA during a ridiculously long break, he asked me something that is - come to think of it - ridiculous. At that time, this was what he asked me: "Mahal, pano kung mabuntis kita?" (Love, what if I get you pregnant?). Blinded by love at that time, all I ended up saying was, "Edi panagutan mo." (Then take responsibility for it.)

Come to think of it, Mary getting pregnant at that time - out of wedlock and not by her husband - was setting herself up to be the target of people's judgments. Besides this, I'm not entirely sure, but weren't women killed at that time for committing "adultery"? She took a huge leap of faith. She knew that she was simply a vessel, an instrument, and that she was part of something greater. So despite the judgmental looks she was bound to get from people everywhere she goes, she took it because she knew that it was for the greater good and because it was God's will.

Now, contrast that with a "could have been" of my situation. Fortunately, I was able to tell him what I should have told him months ago when he asked me that. When we had counseling 2 months ago, I brought that up and told him that the fact that he even asked me that question just goes to show how much he doesn't know me. I asked him if he seriously thought that I would be the type of girl to let herself get pregnant out of wedlock. 

I can't even begin to imagine the cost of having a child at this day, at my age, and without a job. I know that some people are in this situation - balancing work and studies at the same time, and somehow managed to ask their parents for support and that's great. But call it pride, but I really wouldn't want to ask my parents for support for something that I should be responsible for. If I'm going to raise a kid, I want to do it right. I want to be able to raise him or her in a family filled with love, and a family that is dependent on God - not a family that is kept whole by a sense of obligation instead of volition. It would probably kill me if one day my kid comes up to me and asks if his or her dad only stayed because I got knocked up. 

I don't want my kid to ever think that, or to think that he's a burden. He is a gift, and that's how he should be treated. 

I want kids,  4 at most. But if I were to have them at this point in my life with someone who is still unsure of where he wants to be 5 years from now, and someone who will undoubtedly have a difficult time supporting a family, I might as well just give my kid up for adoption, even if it'll kill me.

So thank You, Lord once again for affirming a God-based decision. 

Day 55: Realization

So I caught up with the readings for Bible 365 just now. And seeing as Luke is part of the Gospels, it records Jesus' life and ministry. Which means, for the most part of the reading assignment, it was mostly about Christ performing miracles. If He's not healing the sick, He's casting demons out of the possessed, or He's raising people back to life. And in all of these, not once did He ask the people to DO anything for Him - so that He could heal them, raise them back to life, or exorcise them. All he asked and required of was faith. That's what's most important to Him. 

Isn't that how salvation works?

We are saved because we believe in Him, not because of our deeds or our words. We are saved by faith. For us Christians, it means so much more because it just goes to show God's grace. He is gifting us with salvation, He doesn't want works to earn that salvation - he's giving it freely. But, it's just up to us to believe. I guess it's just a matter of asking yourself the question, in the same way that Jesus asked the Pharisess: Which is easier to say; your sins are forgiven or get up and walk? No doubt He can do both - He is, after all, God. But He's not looking for an external change, but rather, something that is internal.

Belief. 

One word that is sure to test us, test whether or not we have a true relationship with God.

Things I do at 12 in the morning

It should be school work. But I'm taking a break from that first. 

I know I haven't blogged in a while. But, sorry to disappoint, but no deep and reflective thoughts for tonight. Tonight, I bringeth GPOY :D Otherwise known as gratuitous picture of yourself. Or. Vanity. :))

wishing my hair would always be that cooperative

(yes, it has bad lighting and is a low quality picture) 

So I was checking if the dress that I bought a month ago for my cousin's wedding (which is this Sunday already) still fits and if it goes well with the shoes I bought two weeks ago :)

here be the dresseth

and here be the shoes :)

That is all. :D Now, back to trolling working :D

Day 51-53 How God Prepares

I've had friends who've told me that sometimes when something unexpected happens to them, natural reaction to the situation would kick in. Eventually however, as they told me, they would realize soon after that it wasn't too bad because God had prepared them for those situations. 

I am blessed to say that God has prepared me for an unexpected encounter last night with How he's been talking to me the past few days.

Day 51: Wednesday

Wednesdays are usually pretty laid back for me. Because it's the University's "free day", I spend most of my Wednesdays at home, do some school work - but mostly catch up on some much needed rest, and have an early morning time spend with God. And it just feels  so good when God is speaking to me clearly. That very distinct kilig feeling because He's talking to me. 

"But have you any right to be angry?" -- Jonah 4:4

It was just something that really struck me. For a few months now, I've stopped considering that I'm still mad or angry - at him or at the situation. I certainly never thought that I was over it - I still don't think that I'm over it. But I thought that I've already gone past the angry stage. But as I've come to realize, just because I'm not raging every few minutes, or just because the desire to inflict the same kind of pain on him is gone, does not mean that I'm not mad at him or at the situation anymore.

Sometimes, something as simple as bitterness can still account for being mad - and certainly something that the devil would be able to use and spur on so that I would get insanely angry again. It's a dangerous thing, this bitterness. But the reason why that verse struck me so much is because I know that I really don't have much of a right to be mad. Yes, he hurt me but that doesn't mean I had no fault in the situation as well. I went against God's wishes so of course there are going to be repercussions, and I need to deal with the consequences.

Besides, getting mad will not help anyone. So I might as well just stop and move on right?

Day 52: Thursday

Just this Thursday, the University's School of Education had its incorporation rites and the Education students had to dress up for the event. Well, it wasn't a formal event, but I had to wear a skirt - and it's the second time that I've worn a skirt to school.

To be honest, it wasn't that spectacular or anything. It was an event that formally inducted us into the SED family, and for the most part, we all had fun. And I just thank God for constantly affirming me that I am in the right course. That night just got me thinking that even though there's not a lot of money in teaching, the financial returns really isn't something that concerns me - I mean, I know that when the time comes, God will provide. In a way, it was fun as well - it was a gathering of people who are ready and happy to serve.

Thank You Lord for putting me this desire to teach and to make a difference.

Day 53: Friday

Yesterday was the birthday of one of my closest friends in college. Somehow though, we weren't able to have a big celebration for her. I mean, we gave her cards and greetings and stuff, but somehow it didn't feel like we made her feel more appreciated on her special day. I do hope though that we made her feel loved enough yesterday.

It was actually a pretty good day yesterday. Went to all my classes, and especially enjoyed the discussion we had for Developmental Psychology yesterday. Topic? Birth Order. And so yesterday, I just realized that I really don't fit the characteristics of the last-born. Interestingly, I fit in on the first-born category more. Or maybe I just really dislike being the youngest in the family? Goodness, I really don't know. :))

After class, I went straight to church for band rehearsals. So, we have more guest band members than actual band 3 members and for what seemed like the first time ever, there were more boys than girls in the band room yesterday. :)) I also had to lead the band devotionals last night, and because Jonah 4 had a huge impact on me, it's the passage that I decided to share last night. I usually get nervous for it, but yesterday, I was just really excited to share what God has been telling me. :)

Speaking of Jonah 4:4, just before I led devos last night, Strong stopped by with Matt at the band room. I've said before that we're trying to be civil with each other right? Well lately, it just feels like I'm the one that's just trying to be polite and civil with him. What I realized last night, when neither of us said hi or whatever, that I can try being polite and civil all I want. But in the end, I'm just going to get frustrated. Ang bastos lang kasi. Babatiin mo tapos wala. I mean, I'm making an effort here. But eh. I resolved with myself last night that if he really doesn't want to, then I'll be fine with it. I mean, I'm through with making a fool out of myself.

And I just thank God for the speaking to me last Wednesday and preparing me for that unexpected encounter with Strong last night. It would have been really easy to get mad and bothered last night, but somehow, I just felt like I'm getting used to it already. :)

Lala. Keep calm and keri lang. My God is in control, He is with me. And that's enough for me.

Day 50: Thank God I'm a Woman

"I cared for you in the desert in the land of burning heat. When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me." --Hosea 13:5-6

Sometimes I think, being a woman is really tough. Every month from the moment we hit puberty, our hormones go on on this roller coaster ride that only our biological chemistry understands. Guys think that it's tough on them - especially those in relationships - to live with or relate to women when they are having their monthly. Well, however difficult it maybe for them, it's still nothing compared to the physical, emotional, and intellectual fatigue that we have to go through for that one week in each month. Sometimes, I even think that our emotions are let lose on that particular time that our minds and bodies are both struggling to keep up with it. 

It's tough to be a woman. But it's tougher to be a woman without God.

I personally think that without God by my side, I'd be crazy by now. The fact that women haven't tried to kill themselves because of the hormonal ride they get every month, I think, is a manifestation of God's grace. Which is why I thought Hosea 13:5-6 to be quite interesting. Taking it as it is, and setting aside for a moment that this is a passage from the Bible, the two verses sound like it's coming from a woman. To be more specific, it sounds like an embittered woman who have been set aside and forgotten after the efforts she placed on something or on someone. 

Looking at it at a human and mortal perspective, it seems like God is complaining - to be more direct, in Filipino parang nanunumbat ang Diyos. And if there was one thing I learned the earlier this year: huwag na huwag kang manunumbat sa mga taong hindi naman nangailangan ng tulong, regalo, o pagmamahal mo. It may seem off to us, but to God, it's totally fair and just. Why? Well, for one thing, He is our God, and as God, He has done so many things for our benefit. But sometimes, we get so blinded by our pride that we fail to see things in God's point of view. For another, God is a perfect and holy God. His understanding knows no bounds, and is a generous God. He gives in the context of what He knows is good for us, not what limitations deem best for us. And as we saw continuously since the beginning of time, God has been generous and faithful to His people. It was His people that continuously sinned against Him.

Kaya patawarin natin si God kung nagtatampo siya at may karapatan naman siya.

So how does this relate to this post's title? 

Well, it's mostly because I thought it was witty. But also because for those two verses, I imagined God to be a woman - but yes, I am perfectly aware that God is a spirit and therefore, does not really have a gender. And in some way, I imagined myself saying it - or at least, felt that I might say it in the future, when, God willing, I have a family or something. I know that at least for that moment, God certainly understands how women feel on a monthly basis - whether it be because of the monster that is our hormones, or a contextual something. That is, to feel insignificant, unappreciated, hurt. 

I thank God for His understanding. I thank God that despite the difficulties that came with being a woman, I am one. I thank God for the countless benefits that comes with being a woman - bringing a child into the world, nurturing a child like a mother would, loving a child like he/she is the only one that matters. 

Lord, I don't really know the point of this post. Ahe. But what I know is, before writing this, I wasn't feeling well - I mean, I haven't been feeling good lately. It's probably because I let myself get distracted by so many things and seek for other things when my security should lie with You. Lord, You know how emotionally tired I already am by everything that has been happening and how I'm afraid my emotions are making me think irrationally. Lord, I know that You are in control and I know that in Your perfect time, I'll truly be alright. I know that my emotions are super wonky right now, but I thank You for them anyway because they came from You - and You are the source of all good. Lord, help me please to glorify You. Help me to just focus on You and on my relationship with You. I wish to grow deeper in love with You. In Your Name I pray, Amen.

warning: this post was written by a highly emotional girl who is on her period.

Day 49: A Humbling Experience

Sometimes, I really need to start walking my talk.

Today, I found out that I've offended another person with the things that I've said. Admittedly, I am tactless and part of the problem with being tactless is not realizing that the words I let go would cause another person harm. It's a lesson learned, I guess - not to broadcast my feelings to the rest of the world. Especially if they're not edifying, I should really just learn how to stop and control myself. It's what I've been telling my other friend, but apparently, I need to it myself too. 

I don't know, I guess, I'm just more expressive of the things that I feel - rather, I'm more vocal about it. 

Protective or not, it's no longer my business - plus, I really don't have any right anyway. I've no position over them. Kaibigan lang ako. And I'm fine with that. I should not nor do I want to impose my will on them anymore because, reality check Alyssa, you are not God. One thing I have to prepare myself for though is the possibility, and maybe inevitability too, that if or when they do end up together, I might spend less time with my friend. And that I might lose her to the both of them - seeing as how the guy is close friends with the ex, and how ex and I can't really hang out together. I don't ever want it to reach the point where she'll feel the pressure or that the need to choose - because I am not that kind of friend. 

Kung darating man sa puntong iyon, mas mabuti nang ako na iyong bibitiw.

Man, I'm really not trying or intending to sound dramatic or whatever - but I think that's how it's ending up to be. ._. Dear AP, I love you and I only want the best for you. But I think, for the sake of our friendship, I will back off from this thing that you have with him. I will only speak when you ask my opinion. For now, I will just commit to being as objective as possible about the entire matter, and keeping quiet unless spoken to about it.

Lord, thank you for this lesson that You've taught me. I know that I can be extremely opinionated, intense, and tactless. Father, I apologize for the way that I've acted and for the things that I've said. I apologize for imposing on something that is not my concern, and for putting my will above Yours. I'm sorry for this seemingly excessive pride that I have. I realize that the reason for my actions is that the issues that I have are still quite fresh. I have issues that I need to fix, and I shouldn't be poking my nose where it doesn't belong. Lord, help me to be more humble, help me to mind my own business. Lastly Lord, I pray that you will teach me to be less judgmental and give people the benefit of the doubt. All these things in Your Holy Name I pray,

Amen.

Random Post is Random

Sometimes, life catches up to you and everything starts to sink in. And for that moment, you feel completely lost. Like all of a sudden, you can’t remember the life you had before everything blew up in your face. And it’s not like you feel sad or anything, just confused, wondering what the next step should be.

So I don’t want to call myself emo. But I guess, I have been emotional lately - but trying really hard not to breakdown. I mean first of all, there really isn’t anything I can do to change the way that things happened. They just did, and yes, I got hurt - plenty. It’s something that I’ve come to accept. Getting used to it however, is something else entirely.

Hm. I don’t know. I don’t even really know what I’m supposed to talk about right now.

I long for that day, I suppose. The day when I’ll finally be free from the horrible feeling, free from being bound to him emotionally, free from thinking about him constantly, and free from still having feelings for him. It’s something that I hope for, and it’s something that I’m certain will come.

I know only God can truly make me happy and joyful, and I believe that. Although, I also know that I’ve got to help myself be happy and joyful as well. Of course, efforts need to be made to have and remain a positive outlook.

I will overcome this :)